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TW: Feeling Alone and really Worthless...

Okay...

 

I feel really alone right now, and really worthless. Every single time I make a mistake, and my parents know and see it, I get told off for it. Sometimes even yelled at. I know this sounds minor compared to people with abusive family, but I do have a lot of self-hate from the last few years of anxiety and bullying at my last school contributing to my emotions and thoughts towards myself. 

 

My brother and I were rostered on for different chores we had to do tonight, and we both disliked them. So we came up with the idea that we could switch jobs, because we liked what the other person’s job was. When I start doing my brother’s job, I make a mistake of taking off the tablecloth and went to find a clean one. Then my mum comes out of her room, and says that it needs to stay on, because she doesn’t have a clean one ready to be used. Then she asks why I’m doing my brothers job, and I say that we switched because we don’t like our rostered jobs. Then I get yelled at, because we aren’t allowed to switch jobs. Why can’t we switch jobs? We just came up with a perfectly good solution to our problem! And I get blamed for it.

 

I genuinely feel horrible, because I always get told off or yelled at. I don’t even know why. I don't even know what it is that I’ve done wrong. And when I do know, and try to fix it, I still get yelled at. I’m sick of it. I always start crying, because of my parents. 

 

And I always feel alone, because I’m the eldest of 5 kids. I am expected to “get on with life, you’ll be fine, it’s just a stage of life, go use your coping methods, whatever they may be”.

 

What if the reason I feel this way, is because of my parents? Because I’m expected to do these things? And I can’t call my youth leaders, because I feel like a burden for them to take on. That I’m wasting their work time. That I don’t deserve their help. Because I don’t deserve it.

 

Maybe I really am the things I think I am. The worthless, stupid, dumb, fat, useless, mistake of a bitch that my parents created.

The waste of space that shouldn’t even be alive. 

 

😣

 

Why am I like this? Why am I always going to cry over something as little as a small mistake that I get yelled at for for no reason? Why am I even here still? Why do i have to suffer this pain? 

 

I am safe, but distressed and sad.

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Re: TW: Feeling Alone and really Worthless...

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing that with everyone. I am really sorry to hear that you are feeling all of these emotions and thoughts about yourself. It doesn't matter how small or minor something may seem - if it is making you sad or upset then it really does matter. It sounds like this really does impact how you feel and makes you feel quite judgemental and critical of yourself. Being told off especially after we have made a mistake can feel so hurtful. It is such a very normal thing to make mistakes - it sounds like you were just trying to make things easier and enjoyable for you and your brother.

 

I am wondering if you have thought about speaking to the KHL counsellor about the negative thoughts you have about yourself? I say this not because I don't care or can't be bothered.. but because it can take time and/or professional support to undo a pattern of behaviour that you are used to engaging in. Some regular sessions might allow you to process this Smiley Happy One small step towards this is to ask yourself how you would respond to a friend who was going through the same thing? 

 

I know you mentioned feeling worthless, useless and stupid. I don't know if this helps but you are such an important and special part of our community. You always give really supportive, empathetic and caring advice to a number of people on here. Even if you had no other good qualities (which you have many others), that in itself shows that you are deserving and worthy of receiving support Heart

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Re: TW: Feeling Alone and really Worthless...

Hey @Taylor-RO
Thank you for the kind reply.

I really was trying to help, and we both found it more enjoyable. But I still get told off anyway... 😔

I actually have spoken to a KHL counsellor, but only the one time. I’ve used the web chat twice, and called once. Calling definitely helped the most, but my parents will find out sooner or later that I’ve been calling them. I don’t wish for them to find out I’ve been contacting them, when I seem so perfectly fine on the outside...

I will try contacting them again, and ask for the counsellor I spoke to last time.

I would be there for my friend, and I would ask what they wanted me to do for them. Then I’d do what they asked, unless its unsafe or someone was in danger, and after that I’d see if I could find the right support for them. Or just help them find coping strategies and be open to call them if they needed it.

Aww, Thank you. I really appreciate that.❤️
(And you’re right, I have got other good qualities, I just don’t see them when I’m in this upset state)

I just called a leader, and she told me that she would much rather call me, and talk to me, just to see how I’m going, because she loves hearing from me. I have a weekly chat with her, so hopefully I will improve a bit more with how I’m feeling. But I’ll still contact KHL though.
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Re: TW: Feeling Alone and really Worthless...

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx

 

It sounds like your parents telling you off is really contributing to your sense of self-hate at the moment. It makes sense that you'd see this situation as negative, especially because your mum told you off. But, I can see multiple positives from the situation you described. First, you are actually helping your mum with the chores, which not all kids do, so you're helpful. Two, you  used problem-solving skills to come up with a better chore schedule for you and your brother. And three, you have worked together with you brother, and communicated effectively with him. Heart

 

I'm really glad to hear that you have linked yourself in with some useful supports, including KHL and contacting your leader. Since you mention experiencing self-hate, I think you could really benefit from practicing self-compassion. Have you ever heard about this?

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Re: TW: Feeling Alone and really Worthless...

Hey @Maddy-RO

Yeah, I guess there are positives, but the negative part of it is making me feel bad. Because I did those good things, I get blamed and yelled at for it.

Yes, I do know what self-compassion is. But I never really get time to do it, even now that I have all this time on my hands. The only thing I can do, is self-care. Which includes drawing, texting leaders and other people when I don’t feel okay, and bible study. I never have really put self-compassion into practice, because I see myself negatively so much of the time.
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Re: TW: Feeling Alone and really Worthless...

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx Heart 

I can really hear how much you’re struggling and it really saddens me to know that someone I care about is feeling a way I have felt before,  because I know how horrible it is and wouldn’t ever wish it upon anyone Smiley Sad I want to reassure you that although your mind tells you these awful things are true, none of us here would ever think that Heart 

 

I want to challenge you to contribute to this thread for me. Can you do that? Smiley Happy take your time but I want you to identify these 3 things that you like about yourself, to prove to that voice inside your head that there are good things about you Heart 

I will go first and list 3 of the MANY hundreds of good qualities you have: 

•You're encouraging, sympathetic and helpful positive feedback you give those around you offers the confidence they need to persist and I really admire that about you.

•You often put others first and offer your best advice despite going through other things to insure that they are okay, which is so brave and kind.

•You are extremely compassion. 

I also want you to challenge these thoughts or pretend that you’re having a conversation with them, as a debate that you aim to win. For example, when you’re feeling worthless your mind will tell you that but you have to act as your own seperate person and confront that voice saying it is not right, stating why and asking yourself questions. And when that voice says you’re fat, ask yourself what’s bad about being fat? What would I say to someone else that is distressed by their weight? Reach out have a really helpful article here and I really encourage you to read through it. It’s about challenging the thoughts and I found it really helpful when I was struggling with low self esteem/self hate. 

You are deserving of support, especially considering what you’re going through. I want you to know, I’m always going to be here for you and I am so willing to help you. Please don’t ever feel guilty for needing a little extra help every now and then, instead be proud because you are so brave for sharing these things with us Heart Don’t ever hesitate to tag me because I will support you whenever you need, for what ever reason, to the best of my ability! 

 

I’m so sorry that your family has had a pretty big influence on how you are feeling towards yourself Smiley Sad Is your mum still working? I imagine all parents would be dealing with a lot of distress at this time. Some parents are struggling to pay bills, buy enough food, essential items and many more things which would impact their stress levels and overall mood. Would you consider doing something nice for your mum like writing a letter of understanding to show that you know she may be struggling and you’re there to support her? You could even suggest the parents forum here too if her stress is surrounded supplying for her children during this time. I know you have a lot of siblings, I imagine it would be really hard for her if she was experiencing a lower income. Please don’t be too hard on yourself Heart sometimes there’s a reason people get on your nerves and it can be related to their own problems, it’s not your fault trust me Smiley Happy 

 

You are so important and I care about you a lot! I would hate for anything to happen to you and without you here, the forums would never be the same. I know you can get through this because you are so strong! You are a QUEEN! Heart


I am so proud of you for calling your leader! I often compare my issues with others and think that I’m not worthy of support simply because my problems seem so small compared to theirs but no problem is too small, to need help. You know your limits and as soon as something feels off or different, you deserve to reach out no matter what! 

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Re: TW: Feeling Alone and really Worthless...

Yeah I can understand how that would be really frustrating for you. I guess I'm just highlighting the positives to remind you that you are worthy of self-love, not self-hate!

 

Self-compassion can be as simple as telling yourself that "it's okay." Instead of "mum yelled at me, I'm such an idiot etc." you can say "mum yelled at me, but that's okay, she must be stressed." I know practicing this stuff is easier said than done, but thoughts are known to have an impact on one's mood, so if you try and think slightly more positive thoughts, then it might make you feel a little bit better Smiley Happy. I understand life can get busy, and sometimes it's too hard to challenge our thoughts, but I guess I thought I'd share this with you so that maybe, when you're feeling a little bit better and up for it, you can give it a try.

 

Sending support your way Heart We're here for you!

 

Everyone Hugs GIF

 

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Re: TW: Feeling Alone and really Worthless...

Great support @Bananatime04 Heart - we said similar things about thoughts!

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Re: TW: Feeling Alone and really Worthless...

Haha thanks, sorry @Maddy-RO! Heart
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Re: TW: Feeling Alone and really Worthless...

Aww, Thank you so much @Bananatime04!❤️

I know that none of you here, would think all the nasty things I think about myself, but I just feel so badly about myself that even compliments from others are only helpful for a certain amount of time...

I can go and contribute to that thread, but I’ll have to wait til tomorrow.

Aww, You’re so sweet, and I love how you lift others up, when they feel so low. ❤️

I’ll have a look at that article, but again, I don't know how helpful it will be. Most things can only be so helpful... Maybe I’ll listen to some music later, and see if that helps. I like the idea of becoming a separate person, and debating the evilish side.

I won’t hesitate to tag you, I promise. ❤️

My family is pretty big, so I can’t help that. My parents have a pretty high income, and my dad works from home. My mum doesn’t actually work at the moment, but she has a degree in social work, or whatever her qualification is. She might start working again, but she’s still not sure.

I would write a letter or something, but I just don’t have the motivation at the moment. And confronting people is what I hate doing the most...

Aww, again, you are so amazing when you say that. Thank you!
I’ll remember that for next time I call a leader or reach out. ❤️