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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[R@Jess1-RO It was just our mum and our friend today. The latter is supportive of what’s going on, which is good. Thank you.

 

I have more stuff I want to talk about, which sort of intersects between the trans stuff and the system stuff. I kind of feel like who we’re supposed to be on the outside is still not who I am. Sometimes I quite literally feel like I’m not the same person as who everyone used to think I was, and with the whole wishing-to-be-inactive thing, hoping that some other person will come and replace me, but I don’t think that will ever happen, because I’m still the same person as before. I am who I am.

 

I feel like I’m making decisions not necessarily because I want them, but because it’s what’s best for the system. That doesn’t mean the two don’t often overlap, but it just doesn’t feel right prioritising something other than how I feel, especially when I hoped that I would have the chance not to. I don’t mean that I want to be selfish or want to dismiss what everyone else wants, but I feel like I’m in a position I don’t like.

 

I was talking to A a few minutes ago about sort-of wishing that we didn’t have to hide under the facade of one person, but obviously that wouldn’t be a smart move if anyone ever found about us. It really sucks, and it would probably still suck even if people did know and we’re accepting, since all they’d see is the one face and one body in front of them.

 

I’m also scared about our transition. I want to do all of these things, but at the same time they scare me. We still haven’t managed to organise individual roles yet. I also don’t want to be in control of the body as often as I am now, but I’m also scared to step down and be inactive more often. I know I’ve talked about wanting to go inactive before, but I meant that as long-term so I wouldn’t have to wake up for however long.

 

It’s a lot of change, but I can’t stay like how I am, and neither can the rest of the system, but moving forward seems terrifying too. It doesn’t help that because of dysphoria and stuff I almost feel like I’m a ghost in someone else’s body and that I don’t belong in it.

 

I’ve also been worried about stuff with C. I’m hesitant to talk about what’s been happening with her because I don’t fully understand what’s happening or how to deal with it myself, so I’ve just kind of been ignoring it, which is making me feel worse.

 

And then, back to gender stuff. I haven’t really been involved much with the actual telling of other people, since our mum has basically been doing it for us with most people, but I feel like the non-binary part of our outside identity is being overlooked and we’re being viewed as binary female. This bothers me because conveniently both the gender of who we’re pretending to be on the outside and my gender are both a combination of female and something non-binary. It was also picked because it represents the system as a whole too (mostly female members with some non-binary).

 

I’m still afraid of social norms and potentially being treated as lesser for transphobic or sexist reasons, both of which are loads of crap that I’m not happy anyone has to deal with. I doubt being also seen as non-binary would fix that, and it would probably make it worse, but I’m not sure how well our mother understands it. And I can’t tell her because I can’t speak up for myself about these sorts of things, and I’m scared about letting anyone else in the system handle them.

 

And that is yet another long post about random stuff bothering me. There might be more I’ve forgotten, but that should be most of it (if not all of it).

Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

Hi @SomeoneNADJS ,

 

Thanks so much for the update. It's great to hear that your mum has been so supportive, but I'm hearing that it is also challenging for you when your mum has been telling people that you are trans and identify as binary female, when you perhaps feel that it isn't the most accurate label for you given that some of your system members identify as gender fluid. Is that right? I just wanted to reassure you that it's a very common experience to feel unsure about where exactly our gender identity 'fits', and there was some really amazing posts made on this topic that I'll link to here, in case you find them helpful. It's wonderful that your mum is being so supportive and accepting, but if you feel like you want to have a bit of space to sit with these things, I think it's also totally OK to set some boundaries with her around what she shares about your identity. Whatever makes you feel the most comfortable. 

 

In regards to your system, you mention "I’m also scared about our transition. I want to do all of these things, but at the same time they scare me. We still haven’t managed to organise individual roles yet. I also don’t want to be in control of the body as often as I am now, but I’m also scared to step down and be inactive more often. I know I’ve talked about wanting to go inactive before, but I meant that as long-term so I wouldn’t have to wake up for however long".

 

It sounds like you have had a huge amount to work through, and I can understand that it could feel overwhelming and exhausting.  You mention wanting part of your system to go inactive and not wake up for however long, and I just wanted to check, are you feeling safe at the moment?  

 

I hear your concerns about C - when you're ready to talk about what is happening with her, we are here to listen. 

 

I'm sorry that you are worried about the stigma and transphobia that unfortunately still exists in society. You have shown so much courage, honesty and bravery, and it sounds like you have come a really long way in the last few months in terms of opening up to your family and friends. We are here to support you in your journey. 

 

 

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Check out our community activities calendar for March 2020 here
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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[R@Janine-RO Yes, that’s right, except one of our non-binary members is not at all genderfluid (S is agender). I count myself as genderfluid since I’m slightly fluid between the intensity of feeling female or non-binary, although for me my gender is usually consistent.

 

For clarification, I don’t want the rest of the system to go inactive, just me because a lot of the time I don’t want to exist and don’t want to deal with this stuff, and my own inactivity would be a way to achieve that without anyone on the outside having to know. I don’t have any official plan to do this, but at least if I did go inactive it wouldn’t have to be permanent.

 

Thanks Smiley Happy I’m not going to say anything about what’s happening with C unless she says she’s alright with it, so I might have to go ask her about it since she’s one of our less active members at the moment.

 

Everyone says that I’m brave and stuff and I stil kinda find it hard to believe, especially since most times when someone says that, they’re unaware that I’m doing a lot of things to carry the rest of the system, and that I would be even less capable of doing these things than I am already if I didn’t have any system members.

 

On another note, had a psychologist’s appointment today, if didn’t go well, and I ended up walking out feeling a lot worse than I did going in there. Partially it was because I went in male clothes because I got dressed in shorts and a T-shirt to help bath the dogs (which didn’t end up happening) and to go on a walk with our dad, and I forgot about the appointment until I was reminded about it ten minutes before we had to leave.

 

I shut down for about half of the appointment because something we were doing me reminded me of a bad experience I had at school a few years ago, and thinking about that and how that made me less confident to speak reminded me of how social norms have also influenced me being scared to talk, and that made me feel dysphoric, and I was already trying to distance myself from feeling our body (dissociation I guess), and thinking about that made me feel worse, and then I started thinking about the whole thing about not wanting to exist, which made me feel worse. Not a fun chain reaction of feeling like crap, and I don’t think our psychologist had any idea of what it was that triggered me.

 

I’m also dreading school. We’ll miss out on the first week of term and then gradually increase our attendance over the second week. I don’t think I’m going to be comfortable fronting for a while at school until I know how good/bad out situation is going to be.

 

(Quick terminology explanation: the way in which we define “fronting” and “being switched in” is that fronting is being aware of our body and switching in is the process of becoming the dominant thinker, although when we’ve talked about either of them it’s always been in the context of controlling our body. I’m noting this because I don’t think I made this distinction before, and because other systems out there might define either of them differently, so these are the definitions we use).

 

Also, that LGBTIQ+ group we go to (I say “we” even though I’m the only one who has been switched in for it) is starting again tomorrow (as they stopped for a while in December). Since I’ve found I’m not great with talking to other people I’ve met there, we might see if anyone else in the system has better luck with talking to people without being awkward, I guess.

 

Anyway, better try to get to sleep because now I have to get up before 9:30 tomorrow morning. Our mum was frustrated that I had “slept in” until 12, even though I was actually awake since 10am and was just feeling miserable and wanted to be left alone, and had not slept until 3am. Our sleep cycle has been stuffed up.

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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

Hi @SomeoneNADJS , 

 

Thanks so much for taking the time to explain all of that, it's good to read the update from R, and thanks for clarifying that you don't want the rest of the system to go inactive. I really admire your honesty and strength in sharing here. 

 

I'm sorry to hear that your appointment with the psychologist didn't go well. It sounds like you were experiencing a lot of dysphoria and felt triggered by a few things about the situation, is that right? It sounds like you've reflected with a lot of insight into what it was about the situation that you found triggering, I hope that your next appointment goes better for you Heart 

 

I hope that all goes well at your support group tomorrow - keep us updated on how you are going. I hope you managed to get a good night's sleep - I've gone through periods where I stayed up super late in holidays (I also used to work night shifts which was terrible for my body clock) - I hope that your sleep cycle gets into a good pattern for you soon Smiley Happy 

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Check out our community activities calendar for March 2020 here
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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[R@Janine-RO Thank you. It wasn’t that hard to figure out what was triggering though, since that was about 90% of what I was paying attention to at the time. Thanks, hopefully it does. I think it’s next week, but I can’t remember when specifically.

 

Got a better night’s sleep last night, but I still woke up at around 1:45 and didn’t get to sleep until after 3, but that’s still an improvement. Dinner will be in the oven in a few minutes and after we’ve had that we’re going to the group.

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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[R] I don’t have much time to write stuff, so this might be a bit rushed, since people are coming to our house soon.

 

We got hair extensions yesterday, and now that I have them, I’m not so sure if I like them that much. I don’t want to say anything yet because I don’t want to seem ungrateful or anything, and they were only just put in yesterday. Haven’t really talked much with my other system members since then.

 

I’m feeling crap again now for other reasons. I’m terrified of school in a few weeks, I’m dysphoric because of our body and I’m not feeling great about social stuff either because I don’t feel comfortable with something, I don’t even know what, and I don’t know what to do about it.

 

I want to go inactive yet again. Hopefully I’ll be able to pretend nothing’s wrong for tonight because I feel like crying at the moment I feel so terrible

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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[R] The aforementioned people are here and I’m too scared to go downstairs

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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

Hi @SomeoneNADJS, hair extensions sound like they have been a big adjustment for you. Do you feel as though talking to your system members about it will help? It could take some time getting used to.. but if you still find that you don't like them, that is also okay too. We only decide and learn more about what we like by exploring and experimenting.

How did everything go tonight? It sounds like you have been in a difficult place and struggling with a few things. You mention being worried about starting school. What is school usually like for you? And how will this change when you return back to school? I hope how you have been feeling has improved throughout your night Heart
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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[R@Taylor-RO Maybe that could help if I knew their opinions on the extensions.

 

Everything went mostly well tonight. It was the birthday of a family friend so she and her boyfriend came over and our family livestreamed the Wiggles concert.

 

School is usually okay for me. Last year was probably the easiest in terms of not being bothered by other people so much (as in, the not so nice people). By the end of 2018, most of those people dropped out of school and the rest of those people haven’t been an issue.

 

On the work side of things, last year I basically worked all day on just school work on both days of the weekend (and luckily that work paid off and I got us to top marks a couple of times), and I’m not looking forward to that. I’m worried about dealing with dysphoria, switching in our system, socially what will be happening, and the increased workload of Year 11.

 

Feeling a bit better now, but still not great. I’ve realised that in a way, I’m kind of back to where I started around February last year. At that time, I was suicidal (but didn’t act on it because of the presence of other members of our system), and just starting to realise I was trans.

 

The reason I relate that to now is because I don’t want to deal with a lot of stuff that’ll be happening in the near future, and I’m sort of suicidal (but now I just want to go inactive for however long, which is not only easier and less noticeable for anyone on the outside, but it’s reversible), and now I’m still keeping things secret.

 

I feel like our male persona (how I used to be and act) wasn’t entirely me, but I don’t feel like our female/nb persona feels like me either, because I still feel attached to acting in similar ways to before, and I feel like “she” has to act in the interests of the system, even if they make me really uncomfortable. And I feel like I can’t voice that without giving away we’re a system.

 

Sometimes I wish there wasn’t so much secrecy around non-disordered systems, otherwise things would probably be a lot easier to manage.

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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

Aw @SomeoneNADJS/R Heart That must be so hard to deal with. I really felt for you when you said that neither your male or female persona feels TOTALLY like yourself. Sounds like you have a lot of contradictory thoughts, feelings and behaviours going on, and I can see how that's so stressful for you. Heart Just know that we are here to support you along your journey. 

 

I don't know too much about DID. I know a lot about BDD but not in the context of transsexuals. However, I know a person who had similar issues. She was biologically female and had BDD and thought she wanted to be male. She was also overweight and unhappy with her body image. So, turns out, after lots of professional psychological support and introspection, she realised that she doesn't want to identify/look like a man, rather that she hated the way she looked due to being, as she described, "morbidly obese." She had stomach shrinking surgery and lost a whole bunch of weight, and her body dysmorphia decreased, and she realized that she identified as a woman. So, I'm not trying to tell you that you're obese or need to change the way you look (I don't even know what you look like),  rather that dysmorphia or feeling like you want to transition can occur for all sorts of reasons, some that you may not be fully aware of yet. It is okay for you to be feeling confused as it's not an easy process. I can't recall if you're seeing a mental health professional to talk through these feelings, are you? 

 

You are tackling lots of confusing and difficult emotions while commencing Year 11 and I feel for you. Please look after yourself and ask for help if you need it. What are some things you can do now or during the semester to make school a little bit easier for yourself?  Do you find being busy with homework distracts you from your distress/concerns, or adds to it?