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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

Hey Sh^^^, do you mean you have a plan for taking your life? If so, do you think you could call kids helpline before making any decisions? It's a permanent and tragic decision so it's not something to rush into. We really want you to be safe, okay? How can we help you to stay safe right now?
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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[Sh^^^] I was talking about suicide. I don't know who to talk to. I don't know anyone. I just wanna die.

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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

Hello Sh^^^, thanks for letting us know. I am sorry that you are feeling like you want to die. I am just letting you know that I have just sent you an email. 

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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

Hey Sh^^^ I hope the mods are able to help you stay safe tonight. There are people you can talk to, that's what helplines are for. You can always call emergency services if you're in immediate danger.

 

This website has a list of helplines (including state specific ones)

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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

Hi @SomeoneNADJS , I just wanted to check in with you and see how you're doing this morning? It sounds like it was a really hard weekend. We're all here for  you any time you want to talk - and feel free to use the forums email if you'd prefer that. 

__________

Check out our community activities calendar for August 2020 here
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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

Hey @SomeoneNADJS, I just wanted to check in on how you've been going? Things sounded very intense last week, I hope you are okay
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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

Hey @SomeoneNADJS sorry for the late message but I'm so sorry to hear you've been going through some difficult times. I wanted to let you know that we all admire how strong you've been with everything happening with school and with your systems... no matter what happens you're deserving of help. If you're comfortable we would love to hear from you Heart

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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[Ev*] We're okay. No one's done anything to hurt the body. The expansion this month has been going a lot slower than it has been. Our current count is absolutely insane at 1203*. We've seen other systems with higher though. But we've had two days so far this month with zero new members.

 

*For some reason our amnesia mainly happens around what happens outside the system for some reason. Like if someone new shows up nearly everyone who wakes up not long after notices, but some of us can't even remember what we've done during the day before we switch in. Luckily I don't seem to have it as bad as other members of the system.

 

We're still struggling a lot. A lot of us still want to die, a lot of us are getting switching amnesia (which has been a thing that's been happening for quite a while now), we're still struggling to accept that we might have DID or OSDD, and we still don't want to think about our trauma. Unfortunately A* ended up finding more today. We've identified about five different potential sources of trauma now, but still no one wants to believe we have trauma. We also still get partial flashbacks which are really awful, and a lot of us think we're just still faking everything. I really wish it would all go away.

 

In other news, I've been around since the beginning of the month, and I've taken the job of host from R. She doesn't seem to be too happy about "being replaced", but she still has a lot of in-system friends that care about her. I still barely know anyone except for some of my clones (I have about 30 clones that are like alternate versions of me, it's really weird), and a few others, like Ad. The reason I took over as host is because our brain formed me based off of our outward singlet persona.

 

Ad's become one of the most active members of the system recently along with me. He's been around since late July, but hasn't been active much at all until recently. His job seems to be showing up when whoever is switched in is really distressed, switching in himself and continuing with whatever we're supposed to be doing, and calling someone else to help that person so they can calm them down in the background while he manages the outside. He's pretty good at it. I think he's also one of R's friends.

 

Anyway, still feeling terrible now. I really want the system and the trauma to go away and I want to just be a singlet. I wish I was normal. Instead I'm a new host in a system of 1000+ people, most of whom I'll probably never meet, dealing with trauma which I'm still not even sure if it's trauma (it still feels like we're overreacting to it all, and that our system appearing in the past as a result of the trauma is stupid), still dealing with anxiety (we've been managing to go back to some of our lessons at school though), still dealing with our transition, and a lot of the time just wishing I could end it all. I don't know how any of us put up with it all, but I guess it's helpful being able to just switch out and not have to remember how terrible the previous person felt.

 

I'm still really worried that all of this is fake and we're just non-traumagenic with false memories and delusions, and we're just faking all of our symptoms. Apparently denial is a normal part of having trauma/DID/OSDD, but it still doesn't help us get over the worry that maybe none of this is real. Especially since our traumas were so pathetic as well. Like, how could we have possibly gotten here from that? We were probably just too sensitive as a child. Maybe all of this is our fault. I can't stop any of it from happening, but I still think I could just be deluded into thinking this is happening to us. It sucks.

 

Anyway, @Janine-RO @Lost_Space_Explorer5 We didn't end up doing anything, but I think there are a bunch of people who regularly consider trying to do something bad. Some of them want to commit suicide, others want to be traumatised so they can prove that what we went through wasn't real trauma. I know that's really messed up but that's just how they feel. Thank you for checking in on us.

 

@StormySeas17 Thank you. I still don't think we're strong though.

 

Also, forgot to mention we're seeing a new psychiatrist. I think I saw her briefly at one appointment, but I didn't speak much with her. Ad says she's really nice.

 

And we've also found a new distraction that we like. There's this game called Among Us we've been playing for a few weeks now I think. I know Ad likes it (he's watching me while I write this), and I think Jv loves it too (they're one of R's friends, and they've played with some people from other systems over VC on Discord. Apparently they're very good at being an impostor.

 

And also I forgot to mention exam week. We used to be really high achievers, but out of our four exams, during two we got anxiety attacks so bad we had to stop, another was for a subject we were dropping so we were allowed to skip that one, and the last one we managed to get through without freaking out, but we only got 46%. Smiley Sad

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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

@SomeoneNADJS Hey Ev*,

 

It's great to hear back from all of you, and I'm sorry to hear that you're all struggling so much at the moment. You're right, 1203 counts sounds like an incredibly high number to keep track of, especially with so many of you struggling with so many other serious issues like wanting to die and the amnesia.

 

You have mentioned that a lot of you have been struggling with feeling like your trauma isn't real and that you're all faking these symptoms. I think you're being pretty insightful in observing that the feeling that trauma isn't 'serious' or 'real' enough is something that is actually really common for people who have gone through trauma, even though that doesn't necessarily change that original feeling that things are fake. At the end of the day, I think that no matter what label or name we put on things, the difficulties that you and everyone else are experience are real, that the pain this is causing you all is real, and that you all deserve to be supported through this.

 

I'm glad to hear that Ad has had a positive experience with the new psychiatrist, and that a couple of you guys have been enjoying Among Us with other people on Discord; apparently that game has been really popular to stream on Twitch, as well!

 

Exam week sounded like a really tough time in particular. I think just being able to get through that week and receive a result is a huge achievement given everything that you've all been doing with, and that you all deserve a huge amount of credit for that.

 

You've mentioned a lot of heavy things going for you all right now, Ev*, so I just wanted to check in and ask if you all would be safe tonight? Do you have any plans for the rest of the evening?

 

 

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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[Ev*@TOM-RO It's not really insightful of me. It's what we've been told by other traumagenic systems. I think we ask them a lot of questions. Hopefully we're not annoying them too much. I'm not sure if we deserve help though, because we still could be faking it all for attention unconsciously.

 

Yeah, I heard. It sounds really fun. Since I'm melting in this house and I have no chance of getting to sleep tonight, I might try and play some soon. We're safe tonight. Our mum's asleep downstairs on the couch, so we wouldn't really be able to do anything bad without waking her up. I think if I were going to die I'd rather have someone else in the system kill us instead of me anyway. I guess that means we're also safe if I'm fronting.