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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

Hi Ev* , it's really good to hear from you - did you end up playing Among Us last night? I've never played, but my partner showed me a lot of the videos of people playing on Twitch and it looks like a lot of fun - I find the psychology of it super fascinating! It definitely sounds like a really good distraction.  


I'm sorry to hear that the system still has a lot of members that are having thoughts of suicide and self harm, it does sound like Ad is playing a really positive role in helping to keep everyone to stay safe. You mentioned that you've been asking questions to a lot of other systems, are you finding that helpful? It's good to hear that your new psychiatrist seems nice, have you chatted to them about how your feelings about the system? It sounds like it would be exhausting fronting a system with so many members, as you've said though it is good that you're able to get breaks when other members swap in. 


Check out our community activities calendar for November 2020 here

Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

Hey Ev* it's really good to hear back, I was really worried about you all! I'm sorry stuff is still so stressful Smiley Sad 1203 members is certainly a lot to keep track of Smiley Sad Sorry to hear you're struggling with school at the moment, that is hard especially on top of everything else. I'm glad your new psychiatrist is nice!

Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[R] I am not having a good day and I have only been switched in for about half an hour. There was someone who was fronting who got very stressed over being a week behind on school work (we're now in that weird term between Year 11 and Year 12, we've dropped Maths Extension and are doing English by distance learning). So she did something bad that I probably won't be able to say because of the guidelines. No one knows on the outside knows about it. But we're home and we're safe now. I don't know what to do about Tm** (the fronter). I kind of just want to forget about it.


Anyway, system count is at 1478, it was J's birthday today and earlier this month and D had their birthdays too. Next birthday I think is C's (4th November). Most of us have decided our birthdays are either when we showed up in the system (if anyone can remember), or when that member is registered on PluralKit on Discord. So, most of the birthdays in the system are between June


also decided to make an Among Us Discord server yesterday, and we currently have three other systems there. I'm glad they have something to do now to distract them from not being host anymore.


Also, bad news about the psychiatrist. She told Jv (a friend of mine in the system) that she didn't believe in systems and thought there was one person behind it all and we all "just had to be happy being [body's name]." She also used the word "fragments" and described us as one person creating personas to cope. Not only that, she said it in front of the body's mother. And the body's mother agreed with her. And then she said that the trauma that caused our system was our history of school bullying (uh, we have a note on our phone listing eight trauma sources that happened when we were younger that we remember or found out about, but Jv didn't say anything about it. They weren't happy about it.


Also, a lot of the system is still suicidal and a large amount think that we're just making everything up and faking it all. It's hell in here most days.

Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

Hi @SomeoneNADJS [R], I am sorry that you aren't having a good day, that really sucks. It sounds things have been intense since you switched in and that things been really stressful for the system today. Do you think it would be helpful to let someone in the outside world know what has happened today?

It sounds like it was really hard for Jv to hear what the psychiatrist had to say about systems. You mentioned that a large amount of the system think that you are all just making it up.. what would it mean for the system to consider the perspective of the psychiatrist? Would it be helpful or unhelpful? I really want to acknowledge that it sounds like things are really difficult for the system right now. I am wondering what types of tools or activities the system uses to cope with what is going on? Is anyone still chatting to the KHL counselor?

Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

@SomeoneNADJS  Hey R, it's good to hear from you again, thanks for updating us on what's been happening for the system. I'm sorry to hear that some of the system have been finding school stuff stressful, I'm glad to hear that you're safe now. Do any system members look after particular subjects for school? 

Making an Among Us Discord server sounds like an excellent distraction for N, do other system members play as well, or is it just N? Playing with other systems sounds like it could be super fascinating, do they tend to switch while they are playing at all? I watched a bit of the AOC stream of Among us (there's some highlights here that are pretty entertaining) - I don't usually like watching other people play games but I find this one super fascinating! 


I'm so sorry to hear that things have been hard for the system, it sounds like it would be exhausting dealing with some of the system thinking you're faking it all - we are always here to listen.


Check out our community activities calendar for November 2020 here

Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[R] Hi all. System's still growing and I'm still feeling awful. I'm fronting less and my memory keeps going all weird because of it. We've still been keeping track of how big our system is and I'll check... 1609 known members. Hoping it will slow down by a lot soon.


The whole thing where Tm** put us in danger happened again, but with a different member of the system. Still kind of wishing I could just be dead already. I feel like our system is just a burden on everyone around us and we'd be better off dead.


Also, that psychiatrist lady who doesn't believe in our system diagnosed us with major depressive disorder and social anxiety disorder, and I don't think any of us knew we had those. I don't really know much about them myself, all I know is that we feel terrible a lot.


Anyway, I think Jv told our psychologist what happened where another fronter put us in danger, and I remember they hijacked one of my Kids Helpline sessions in order to tell our counsellor. I don't think anyone has talked about it since then.


Another time, Rx got really suicidal and our mum nearly took her to the hospital she was so bad. I think she's fronted since then but I don't remember what she did.


Also we're still dealing with stuff that might be childhood trauma, but it's too hard for us to talk to anyone about without getting partial flashbacks. I think we've just been pretending that whenever they happen that they're just anxiety attacks. It's hard for me to even think about as I type this. And I'm not sure if it was even trauma because all of it seems like just minor stuff, and I feel like we should've known about it before we found Ms and they started opening up about some of it. I looked over the effects section in the ReachOut article on child abuse and we match up with a lot of it. I hope it's not real.


@Taylor-RO I'm not sure it would be helpful because it seems fairly obvious that we're not just making it up, to us at least. Especially since we have memory gaps for a lot of things.


@Janine-RO We all like to go on there and play Among Us. They don't usually switch while they play and they seem to be able to stay switched in while they do it. Although our system likes to change our username, colour and accessories depending on who's playing. I like using red and wearing the devil horns.

Certain members don't really manage particular subjects because it gets hard for us to focus on getting that stuff done. I think we have a French exam next week, so not sure how we're going to go with that.


Also, since there are so many of us, would it just be easier if we used our names rather than the abbreviations with asterisks and stuff? It'd probably be easier for us than having to look up what abbreviation we use for each person.

Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

Hello R, thanks for giving us an update, it is nice to see you back on the forums! I am sorry to hear that things have been difficult for you lately. It sounds like you have been dealing with a lot of different things at once, I can't imagine how hard that must be. I am sorry that you are feeling like a burden and thinking that you would be better off dead. Are these thoughts that you are having, or something you will act on?


Good to hear that you have still been getting some support from your psychiatrist and psychologist. Have they been supporting you as you are working through some of your past trauma too? I think it was really great of you to reach out for support and read up on some of ReachOut's articles on child abuse. As you probably already read in the article, there are some services that you could reach out to for support if you did want to discuss anything that is on your mind. In addition to the ones already listed, 1800Respect is another helpline that you could call to talk to a trained counsellor if you are interested Heart

Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

Hey R, it's good to hear back from you, though I'm sorry to hear stuff has still been so bad Smiley Sad Sorry you had that experience with the psychiatrist- it sounded really invalidating and confusing..

I'm really glad you've all managed to say safe by reaching out to mum and KHL when needed, although I'm hearing how much pain Rx and Tm** were in to be wanting to end things Smiley Sad We definitely don't think your a burden, and I'm sure the people in your life who love you don't feel that way either! The flashbacks to trauma sound so horrible, I can't imagine how overwhelming and disorienting that must be.

I have thankfully gotten rid of my addiction to among us! But that was a fun game Smiley Happy I used to wear white/black with wolf ears as my costume of choice Smiley Happy

Good luck on your french exam, or should I say bonne chance!

With the abbreviations, it's up to you guys what you would feel most comfy with. As long as it doesn't give your identity away to people on the forum, it's all good!

Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[R] Hi @Sophia-RO! Nice to see you too. Most of the time these are thoughts our system is having. Most of us are too scared of surviving to attempt anything.


Our psychologist knows but we find it really hard to talk about it because we get flashbacks by bringing it up (aka having to type it on our phone because we can't talk when we think about it too much). She taught us this visualisation thing where we imagine putting the traumas in a box and keeping it locked, and then to open it when we're in appointments. Unfortunately the box keeps opening Smiley Sad


I checked the 1800 Respect website and I'm glad that they have a webchat option. I'm a bit hesitant to though because I don't know if the stuff we went through was serious enough, and I know that none of it was meant to hurt us (except for one thing that was done to us by a friend from long ago's older brother and his friend).


@Lost_Space_Explorer5 Hi again. I'm not sure if you meant when she said she didn't believe in systems or when she diagnosed us with two things we didn't know we had (which, by the way, she had apparently diagnosed us a month before telling us).


Thank you. We get told that a lot, because we seek a lot of help from our mum and from other systems we know on Discord. The flashbacks aren't fun. When it happens to me our muscles tighten, the body shakes and I'm taken back there as well. I don't front as much as I used to, so I don't get them as often. Although today I've been fronting nearly all day except for CatF, Vn*, A and Ao* popping in briefly.


I think we had two who played as black with wolf ears and white with wolf ears. I think they were Sh! and Wn.


I don't think by using our names that anyone'll find out who we are unless anyone tries to find us in plural Discord servers. I got the permission of everyone mentioned here to say their names.


Not sure if we've ever mentioned Ao* before. She doesn't front, but she helps distressed people calm down, and she's a big fluffy cat!


I remember someone mentioning Ao* to some friends on Discord and one of them said she sounds like the best caretaker ever. She's been around since August but wasn't around much until late September.


Also, a lot of systems have this thing called a headspace which is like a place in our head we can go to, and while ours only exists if someone is thinking about it, Ao* likes to hug the distressed people. Ours is quite small and members of our system are only there when they're awake. Apparently it's possible to have it run in the background so other people in the system can go there while they're not fronting, but since we didn't have one naturally, ours doesn't work like that.

Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

Hello Rouge, thanks for letting me know. I am glad to hear that you are safe at the moment. It is good that you have been able to talk with your psychologist and that they are already aware. I think that is a good strategy, it's a shame that it hasn't been working too well lately. Have you been able to let your psychologist know that the box keeps opening up? I understand that you are a bit hesitant to chat with a counsellor from 1800Respect, I think it is more than okay for you to wait until you feel comfortable chatting about it. Would you feel comfortable talking with your psych about reaching out to other services like 1800Respect? I am wondering as they might be able to help you prepare in some ways for future talks. Aonani looks so lovely and fluffy! I also really like that name, is there a story behind that awesome name that you would like to share with us?