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TW Feeling consumed by all these thoughts

Morning. I had awful dreams again. Lately they have all been about the same thing. Me dying or getting very ill - and it's all self inflicted and my fault. And everyday I've thought about dying and giving up and just feeling really overwhelmed with life in general. I feel so sick about everything and I don't really know what I am doing with myself. 

 

I've thought about going to a psych ward - at least so I'd be safe from self harming. But I don't know. I have work fri, sat, sun and mondays and I have to earn that money to pay rent and save. I hate it. It's repetitive and draining and I hate keeping this up. My life feels like it is on a loop. 

 

I really don't know what to do anymore. I hurt myself a lot. I wanted to die. I feel like a mess. I feel like I can't be helped. I feel like I can't control my emotions and that they are always out of control and draining me. I'm tired of it. 

 

Smiley Sad 

 

I don't know what I should do.

Re: TW Feeling consumed by all these thoughts

Hey there @mspaceK,

 

I'm sorry to hear about the bad dreams you've been having, it can be distressing to have dreams of dying while feeling distressed and in a tough time. Have your supports at headspace given any suggestions on coping with dreams? 

 

It sounds like you are considering other options such as hospital to keep yourself safe and offer more support- this is such a brave step and it is great to see that you are considering what options are available to you. We are always happy to chat to you more about options for support too Heart

 

You've mentioned feelings of wanting to end your life, can you confirm if you are safe today? Coping with constant negative thoughts and feelings isn't easy, and talking about these thoughts is super important. Making a safety plan can also make it easier to cope when they get stronger, what do you think about making one?

If you are unsure about how to make a safety plan, Beyond Blue has a fantastic app that you can keep on your phone for easy access over here. They also have a Chat and forums that may have some resources you can access as well. Let us know if you want any support making a safety plan- many of our members use safety plan and I am sure we can work together as a community to support you Smiley Happy 

 

I also edited out the specific mention of what happened a couple of days ago, to keep the thread safe for other users. That being said, we are so grateful you are being open and honest with someone about what happened the other night, and we really encourage you to keep reaching out to your supports when you need them Heart


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I am finishing with ReachOut this week, say good-bye here. I'll miss you all!

Re: TW Feeling consumed by all these thoughts

@Jay-RO I'm safe. I'm just at work on my break. I'm super tired. I've done safety plans before. I'm trying to stick to them. Being alone is my trigger and it's usually at night when I'm alone in my room. Usually I stay at my boyfriends house or he stays with me but I can't because he won't be back until next weekend. Another week away. Or sometimes I spend time with my friend but she's very busy with work/uni stuff right now.

 

I just don't know how long I can keep this up for. Maybe it'll be better when my boyfriend gets back. I hope so. 

 

I hate working at the moment. Smiley Sad I also feel so irritated and frustrated with everything. Hmmm 

Re: TW Feeling consumed by all these thoughts

Hey @mspaceK, how are you going today? You've mentioned that you're thinking about going to the psych ward to keep yourself safe but are unsure about it as you need to work in order to be financially stable, right? Is it possible that you can get sick leave from work so that you can receive treatment but also remain financially stable?
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Hope is just around the corner; you think it's not there when you first look straight ahead, but it actually is when you turn around

Re: TW Feeling consumed by all these thoughts

I am having a terrible day @Esperanza67 . I just finished work and I've been on the toilet hunched over in serious pain for about 30 minutes with diarrhoea and I just walked to my car and almost threw up. I have already balled my eyes out and now I'm just trying to feel well enough to leave my work and drive home to eat lunch. And then I have to leave again to go vote before close. 

 

I feel absolutely terrible. 

 

On a side note I just got my period so the symptoms I'm getting are apparently normal (i was sick last night too) for having a period - I've just never really experienced a period this bad before and because I've been so sick the past few weeks it's really stressing me out. 

 

Unfortunately I cannot get sick leave as I am a casual so if I don't work I don't get paid. I am supposed to go to work tomorrow and Monday. I spoke to my work manager before I left telling her I felt really sick and I'm really stressed about cancelling shifts but also being well enough just to get through my shift. It's really getting me down Smiley Sad I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I'm hoping it will pass. I'm going to try and drive home now. 

Re: TW Feeling consumed by all these thoughts

I'm really really over feeling sick all the time with these digestive upsets and lower abdomen pains. It's ruining everything. I hope I am well enough to get through my work shift tomorrow because today I got told by a parent that "I am an amazing teacher" and it's inspired me to want to keep teaching. At least I'm doing something right. 

 

Just got home from voting. Going to relax in my room.  Proba ly watch netflix or read my book.  

Re: TW Feeling consumed by all these thoughts

I can't stop crying Smiley Sad I just had another pain episode and on the bathroom. I don't even know if i can work tomorrow. I feel sick and tired. I just had ibruprofen - 3rd time today. I can't deal with this Smiley Sad this is making me so sad. I have a heat pack and just trying to rest. 

 

Smiley Sad i feel so sad. 

Re: TW Feeling consumed by all these thoughts

Hey @mspaceK, it sounds like today has been a rough day for you. Is all this pain you are experiencing purely related to the symptoms of your period? Is this something you have talked to the doctor about? If you ask me, it does sound quite extreme and exhausting. I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so crap at the moment. I can totally get how this has caused you to feel so low - it sounds like a lot to deal with especially on top of your other responsibilities. Do you think you will cancel your work shift tomorrow? I think it is important take note of how you are feeling - can you work in the current state that you are in? Will it impede your recovery? Heart

Re: TW Feeling consumed by all these thoughts

I had to cancel work @Taylor-RO . I just don't think I'll be able to work. I'm still getting pain and nausea and feeling like i need to rush to the bathroom. My housemate really just thinks I'm having a normal period. It really doesn't feel like it. 

 

I'm watching a movie with my housemate and waiting for my burger to be ready for dinner. I'm seeing my doctor next week. 

Re: TW Feeling consumed by all these thoughts

@mspaceK that sounds so difficult... 

 

No disrespect to your housemate, but you'll know what your normal is for periods better than anyone else. 

I used to get bad pain, nausea and vomiting with my periods, and fainting at one point.. fortunately the pill helped sort it all out for me.

I hope that the appointment is helpful!