TW: Fuck Everything

[Zeldasmile]

Hey guys I don't know if you remember me I haven't been around a lot lately. I'm fucking sick of everything. Sexuality, gender, friends, thoughts, family. I'm sick of being the way I am I wish I could just be normal and fit in and not feel disgusted with myself. I'm sick of being bi. I love it but I'm sick of hiding. My mum's a homophobic piece of crap hypocrite who sees no wrong in anything she does and will quickly brush off anything as someone else's fault and just suddenly not remember it. I'm sick of going home and being tormented and messed with and treated like shit and going to school and being treated again like shit. I don't have any safe spaces. I almost didn't make this post. I rolled over on my bed and laid in a puddle of self pity and self hatred. But I decided that I would do something so that's a positive. I'm sick of feeling like I can't be myself without hurting other people. I'm sick of my body. I just need to lose weight and maybe I'll look better. But I can't get rid of my fucking chest now can i. I'm shit at making friends. I have one person who I'm way too clingy with and constantly stupid and bitchy even though he means the world to me and I'd be dead without him. I've considered suicide. I haven't self harmed in a few weeks but I almost did this morning. I had the *equipment* ready to go. But I ran out of time in the shower so I couldnt. I'm sick of being yelled at for no reason. I'm sick of fucking everything and I want to die. I wish I was just a normal kid. A mum, a dad, a sibling or two. Friends and not a care in the world. I'm sick of people expecting me to be so much better than I am. Fuck everything. I started appointments with eheadspace. Then I missed one and could never be bothered to go back. I've only got two weeks left of school this year so there's no point in seeing the counsellor. I'm sick of being à disappointment. I'm just fucking sick of everything. Why do I have to be *that* kid. Everyone seems to think I know what I'm doing but I just don't. I'm sick of crying myself to sleep at night. I can't anymore, I have a room mate now. Sorry for the rant I'm just, as previously mentioned, sick of everything. 

[Megu]

Dude(tte), I think is cool that you let it out. Sometimes is more than necessary, and I telling you this as someone whose account will soon be deleted because went looking for help in a strictly Australian platform even when I knew I wasn't allowed. Put it to words felt somewhat liberating for me and I hope writing it helped you too.

I'm sorry you're dealing with homophobic parents and that you feel you have few friends.I regards to your parents I'm sorry I can't offer you advice since I don't know the whole picture, but if you're feeling that you don't show enough appreciation to your friend then you could write them a letter expressing how much the support means to you. Is easier to put your thoughts into order and not to divert/get sidetracked from doing it. And on top of all is Christmas season! so you don't have to worry about it coming out the blue since this kind of thing is common in this season.

About your self-image issues: I would bet the only two cents I have in my pocket and the other two in my friend pocket that you look perfectly fine!. But maybe start practicing a sport may be a good idea. Not so much because the losing weight thing, but because it can help you feel more in control of your body + it gives the chance to make new friends based on a common experience + (at least in my case) it can help you take your mind from this stressing things. Though, being honest joining any club/activities of any class of your interest may help you a bit. My only advice would be to look for a "self-improvement" oriented group rather than a "competition-based" group to avoid add further stress.

Hang in there. I hope everything gets better for you 

[TOM-RO]

Hi @Zeldasmile,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time at the moment. It sounds like everything is piling up and getting really overwhelming. Seeking some professional support could be a good idea. It's understandable that you don't want to get started with a school counsellor considering you only have 2 weeks left. I would really encourage you to get back in contact with Headspace though, this is a lot to be carrying on your own. Do you ever call Kids Helpline? They are 24/7 so always there if things get too much. Do you have any friends who know how you're feeling?

You mentioned having thoughts of suicide. Can I check in on your safety today?

You said you haven't been around a lot lately so I want to say good on you for getting back in touch and please stay around and keep us updated on how you're feeling. You don't have to go through this alone.

- Hayley R/O

[Zeldasmile]

Thanks @TOM-RO and @Megu. I'll reply more later, but I'm not having any suicidal thoughts at this very moment. I have to go out soon, but I will come back.

[Jay-RO]

Hey there @Zeldasmile,

I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling, it sounds like there is a lot going on for you right now. What did you think of some of the suggestions from other users?

I hope you are doing well today Thank you for confirming your safety yesterday.

[RockPaperScissorsMelon]

Hey, @Zeldasmile, I really hope you're feeling a little better today. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with that makes it hard to stay afloat. Have you practiced any self-care techniques to help yourself long-term? I see sports have already been recommended, but something like practicing a hobby or reading a book works just as well for me. Also, please don't give up on the idea of a counsellor at school. Even though there's not much time left for the school year, he/she could probably link you in to some other support too.

You matter and we're thinking of you. Please take care of yourself

[scared01]

hey @Zeldasmile of course i remember you!
im sorry your having such a hard time
Has today been any better?

[Sunflower18]

Hey @Zeldasmile, 

I'm not sure we've spoken before, so hi  

Well done on making this post, it can be such a big step to reach out when we're not feeling great. It sounds like there's a whole host of things leading to you feeling pretty overwhelmed at the moment.

It can be so tough when we don't feel like there's a place we can be ourselves, or have to hide who we are, I've definitely been there. Do you like any sports? When I was struggling with making likeminded friends, I joined a soccer team and was lucky to meet such a wide array of people, many of which are LGBTQI+. For me, joining this team enabled me to comfortably be who I am, make a whole bunch of friends and get fitter. Is that something you'd be interested in doing? 

As some of the others mentioned, would you be able to access Headspace again or maybe contact KHL? Sometimes it really helps to have some professional support. 

Please keep us updated on how you're going, @Zeldasmile!

[Zeldasmile]

Whoa okay lots of people. sorry I haven't been on in à few days, I'll go through each message now and give a long winded reply. So no I haven't really practiced self care techniques because I really don't get the point and find that it hasn't helped me. I'll hopefully do cricket and soccer in à club next year but I don't know. I'm not really great at sports and find that people are really negative and take a lot of their cynical stance in the fact that they've been playing for years and think that makes them oh so special and means they can be dickheads. I used to read a lot but until my mum has paid for my glasses and I actually get them, I won't really be able to do that. I enjoy playing games though, but they can be really expensive. I don't feel comfortable with the idea of a counsellor because then I actually have to talk about my problems and people at school and teachers and it makes me feel panicky and stressed and I really don't like the idea of having to admit to people who actually matter and have an effect on my life that there is something wrong. I live in a small country town, lgbtqia+ people aren't really accepted and there are lots of hardcore religious people who would want to smite me. I might contact khl or eheadspace sometime. I don't know.

[Bee]

@Zeldasmile I'm sorry to hear things sound so tough there is lots going on in this post, do you want to pick something which stands out the most for you?

I wanted to say that I also live in a smaller country town, and I am seeing a bit of a shift towards LGBTQIA+ community where I am, in some circles things haven't changed, but in others, things are definitely changing.

I also wanted to tough on self-care, you mentioned how you don't get the point of it, and I wanted to share that self-care is literally stuff to keep you well, so getting out of bed, feeding your body etc all the things our body and mind need to be healthy