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TW Goals and anxiety :(

I'm really struggling with my anxiety and positive sense of self. I've been having trouble controlling and dealing with my emotions for months and on and off for several years. I've still set goals and tried to do things to improve my life and work towards things I want but it all feels completely useless when this anxiety just won't go away. Smiley Sad 

 

I have happy moments where I actually want to be here and do things with my life and I can see myself having a future and I want that. I think deep down I really do. 

 

But then things like last night happen. I go to bed and I have these intense feelings of dread and hopelessness and fear that come out of nowhere, or they're not nowhere and it starts with this small feeling that just builds up and up and I can't breathe and I want to run away and hide and I just can't. Smiley Sad I can't escape. And i'm so alone. 

 

I know I need help but I really don't know what I need. 

 

I just want my anxiety to go away. I don't want to go to bed and lay awake for ages with these terrible visions of bad things happening to me or the people around me. I don't want to wake up suddenly in a panic and see things coming towards me and trying to hurt me. I don't want the sense that something is watching me and trying to hurt me. Smiley Sad I don't want to feel like something is wrong all the time. :'( 

 

KHL people and my headspace nurse have suggested medication - even my GP. But i'm so scared and I feel pathetic at the idea that I even need medication...that I can do this on my own, I don't need that help. But I don't know anymore. I have times, that could be weeks where I am fine. But then I'm depressed again and I hurt myself and even tried to kill myself or seriously considered it and on more than one occasion I almost went through with it. 

 

So yeah - maybe I need help. Smiley Sad But I don't think this anxiety will ever go away. How can it when it's been here always. I'm a perfectionist and I get anxiety over the smallest little things. It's not fair. :'( 

Re: TW Goals and anxiety :(

Hi @mspaceK. I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling. Persistent anxiety can be incredibly hard to cope with, and I can completely understand the feeling of hopelessness that comes with not being able to do all the things you would like to because of anxiety. 

 

It is great that you have moments of hope. Even a moment of feeling motivated and excited for the future is enough to hang onto during the dark times. If you feel like you want a future, then hold onto that feeling.

 

It sounds really difficult to be constantly feeling under threat and fearing the worst. Can I ask, are you safe at the moment? Given that you have mentioned thoughts of self-harm and suicide, I want to make sure that you are safe and secure. It's great that you've reached out to your GP, have you been seeing a psychologist?

 

I can also completely empathise with not wanting to take medication. For a long time, I felt like taking medication felt a bit like giving up and that I was failing. But now, as someone that takes medication, I feel as though it is an extra layer of support, and why should I say no to that? I try and think of my experiences with anxiety and depression as malfunctions in my brain - not enough serotonin, not enough dopamine, too much cortisol. When I put it this way in my own mind, it seems totally fair to take medication to balance out the neurotransmitters I'm not getting. Where's the failure in that? If I had diabetes, I'd be taking insulin, so I see my brain in the same way. I don't know if this works for you, but please know that there is no shame in taking medication. It is a very personal decision, and it is something only you can decide if you are comfortable with, but know that it is a brave choice if it's something you want to do. 

 

I'm sending you all my love and good thoughts. Please know that with support, you can get through this. It does get better, and there are small moments of grace here and there. 

Re: TW Goals and anxiety :(

Hey @mspaceK, that sounds exhausting having to deal with that for several years. The fact that you are still setting goals and trying to improve your life is amazing. I can tell you are trying so hard and that is really what counts. You are doing your best. It is okay to not be okay and what you are going through IS tough.

Medication can be a scary thought so I don't blame you for feeling hesitant. On the other hand, medication can be really effective. The choice is completely yours at the end of the day and you shouldn't feel pressured to take it. A lot of people feel that way about medication and don't want to rely on it to get them by. At the same time, it sounds like you are really struggling and this is another option that you may benefit from. It is not an easy choice and there is no right answer - just choose what you think is best for you. I am sure you may have already but you could discuss whether there are steps you can take prior to medication. The fact is a lot of people take medication for various problems including mental health concerns too. You are not alone and it does not make you weak - you deserve to get whatever help you need to cope.

Can you please include whether you are safe or not within your post? Heart I was also wondering whether you have a safety plan? It could be something you make when you are feeling happy for the times that you feel depressed. Are there any strategies that your professional support have given you that help you during these times?

Re: TW Goals and anxiety :(

I'm not feeling suicidal right now or wanting to SH. I'm safe. Just playing games and watching TV series to pass the time. Tomorrow I have work and I'm feeling better health wise so that's good. 

 

I don't know if I can bring myself to talk to my GP about the medication again right now. But I am seeing a psychologist @queenP . I don't have another appointment until late June, a few weeks. 

 

I have a safety plan @Taylor-RO . Watching tv shows and playing games and talking to people are a few things on my list, which I'm doing. I'm supposed to talk to my GP about an incident that happened a few weeks ago - a suicidal intent that failed - but I haven't told or my psych either. My KHL counselor says I should so that I can get the right support I need yet every time I go to bring it up, I just can't. My boyfriend knows though. He wants me to talk about it too. And he's worried about me now that he knows what I tried to do. 

 

I'm contemplating the medication but I'm going to try other things first. Like playing sports more now that I am feeling a bit better health wise, cause I've been too sick and too little energy. But a big thing I need to do is get a job that pays better and consistent shifts. The job application process is really overwhelming and daunting. And my motivation and resilience has been so low. 

 

It's hard. 

Re: TW Goals and anxiety :(

Hi @mspaceK.

 

I don't get the feeling you think I'm pathetic.

Would knowing that right now I'm on two different anti-depressants change that?

It's okay to need help. It's okay to need medication, and it can really help some people.

Mental illness isn't something people can just "get over" if they're strong enough. No one in these forums is weak for coming here for help. No one is weak if they need medicine. That includes you.

 

Also, there are people who have both chronic anxiety and happy lives. My closest friend is one of them. She sometimes freaks out before tests, or freezes in fear for no apparent reason when she needs to speak to someone. Sometimes she'll panic in the middle of the night that someone she cares about is in danger. She's also brave, funny, smart and just generally a really good person. She's excited for her future, she's finding new interests and hobbies. She's happy with her life.

Maybe you're right, and your anxiety won't go away. But that doesn't mean you'll have a miserable life. It just means that it's something you'll need to manage. 

 

If you're not sure you can keep yourself safe, it might be worth re-looking at hospital as an option. I know how overwhelming the idea can be. I think I had like.. two days to come to terms with it. But if you do go, you'll have pretty much as long as you choose to think about it. 

If you want, I could find you resources or tell you about my own experiences.

 

Please take care. 

Re: TW Goals and anxiety :(

thank you @Tiny_leaf . it's too much to think about right now. It's just overwhelming me. 

Re: TW Goals and anxiety :(

@mspaceK it's okay.

Would you like to do anything as a distraction? 

Re: TW Goals and anxiety :(

I've just been playing games and watching shows all night @Tiny_leaf . It's getting a bit late. I'm going to have a shower and then try and sleep. 

 

Goodnight and thank you. 

Re: TW Goals and anxiety :(

@mspaceK good night, I hope you sleep well!

Re: TW Goals and anxiety :(

I had really bad dreams Smiley Sad I was being abused by my family like I have been in the past. It felt so real and I just want to cry because I couldn't escape. I couldn't do anything and I had absolutely no control and all my rights were taken away. 

 

:'( 

 

I also went to bed early in order to get a good nights sleep Smiley Sad I feel awful and sad.