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TW: I can't take it anymore

Hey everyone,

 

Hope you all are staying safe and keeping well.

 

I am back on the forums after a long time. I am having a hard time coping and things are getting on top of me. I can't seem to keep my head above the water. It's all too much and I can't take it anymore. There is no end in sight and I don't know when I'll be able to go into the office.

 

I have been stuck at home for 3 months now. I had been working from home for longer than others because of a foot injury, which meant I couldn't walk. I already suffer from depression, anxiety, chronic pain, autism and ADHD. Isolation has made things worse and my condition is deteriorating everyday. I live alone and I haven't been home since before Christmas last year (my family lives interstate and I moved out of home last year to start my grad job).

 

Depression is getting worse and I can't seem to experience any positive feeling at all. I used to like reading, watching TV shows and playing video games but I have lost interest in all of that. I can't seem to do anything. When I am not working, all I do is lie in bed and think about how bad things are, how I am all alone and how no one cares about me. I have also been getting flashbacks of past trauma lately which has been a lot to deal with. Nothing makes me happy anymore. 

 

I can't sleep at night, I can't wake up in the morning and I am tired all the time. It's a struggle to get out of bed everyday. I have to force myself to do work every single day because I am on my own, no one cares about me and no one is going to look out for me.

 

Work is all I have in life but I have lost my focus. I have followed all the recommendations given online regarding working from home but I can't get much done when I am at home. It's taking me longer to do things and I have been making a lot of mistakes, which means that I have to go back and redo things quite a bit. I should also be doing online courses in my spare time, but I can't do that either.

 

I do see my GP once a week and she has linked me with a psychiatrist who is reviewing medications. I also see a psychologist once a fortnight, which helps but the frequency of appointments is not enough. I had asked for weekly appointments but she can't see me because I am a burden on her. I looked online for other supports for the weeks where I don't have appointments but most of them didn't reply and others that replied said that since I am already seeing a clinician, they can't see me (even when I need more support). I have tried calling helplines multiple times but every time I call I feel worse after the call than before and they invalidate how I am feeling. I don't have any support from my friends and family either. I stay in touch with them but I have to put a mask on in front of them and pretend to be someone I am not.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me. No matter what I do or how hard I try, nothing gets better. I have tried so many things but nothing is helping. Before the pandemic, I was still depressed and still suffering from different things but at least my symptoms were manageable. The pain is too much for me to handle. I guess I am a lost cause. I am broken and damaged beyond repair. I should learn to accept that feeling this depressed, having no one who cares about me, feeling distressed all the time and being in intense physical and emotional pain is the new normal for me. I should also learn to accept that my condition is going to get worse everyday, I am not going to get the support that I need and that there is no hope left for me. 

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Re: TW: I can't take it anymore

Hi @skyfireinferno99 , 

 

I'm so sorry to hear that things are so tough for you right now. It can be an awful feeling, when you feel like you're having to carry all of those dark thoughts on your own, and the things that used to bring you joy don't interest you at the moment. Chronic pain can be terrible, and it sounds like you've managed to be really proactive in looking for supports from your GP, psychiatrist and psychologist - I know how hard that can be, and I think that it shows you're an incredibly strong person managing to get those things lined up. 

 

I think a lot of people are finding working from home to be a big adjustment without also having to cope with an injury and chronic pain, so I think it's important to be a bit gentle with yourself. I'm also wondering if your work has an EAP (employee assistance program) you could use? A lot of workplaces will give you access to them, and you can get free counselling to help you cope with work and personal problems. 

 

It sounds like things are pretty tough at the moment, so I just wanted to check if you're feeling safe at the moment? Thinking of you - we are always here to listen, you're not alone. 

__________

Check out our community activities calendar for November 2020 here
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Re: TW: I can't take it anymore

Hi @Janine-RO 

 

Thanks for your reply. It's too much for me to handle. I am physically safe. It's really hard when I feel this distressed all the time and there's nothing I can do. 

 

I have tried work EAP as well. The first counsellor I got wasn't very helpful and I had asked for someone else but the waiting times are too long. I don't know what to do anymore. I had also tried lots of places online but they had said that since I already see a clinician, they can't see me even though fortnightly appointments are not enough and I need more support.

 

I guess I need to learn how to accept that I am not going to get the help I need and there's no hope left for me.

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Re: TW: I can't take it anymore

Hey @skyfireinferno99 , 

 

I'm sorry to hear that the EAP wasn't helpful, it sounds like you're working really hard to find the right supports for you. We are all here to listen as well - I know I've had times in my life when it truly felt like things weren't going to get better and life would stay in a dark place, and I know how lonely and awful it it can feel. In my case, things did slowly improve, finding the right balance of medication if needed and a mental health professional can be a huge help, but I know that progress can seem painfully slow at times. 

 

This is a bit of a left field idea, but have you ever looked into any autistic led peer mentoring organisations like I Can? If you haven't heard of them you can check them out here, I have heard some great things about them. 

 

You say that you feel like you have to put a mask on in front of your family and friends, I know a lot of us feel like we have to hide our pain from those around us but it can sometimes help a lot to open up a bit about what's going on to people close to us - do  you have a trusted friend who you might be able to talk to about how you're feeling?

__________

Check out our community activities calendar for November 2020 here
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Re: TW: I can't take it anymore

Hi @Janine-RO 

 

Things have been really bad for years now, and the pandemic was the last straw to push me off the edge. I was managing before but I can't anymore. When I am not working, I just lie in bed thinking about how bad things are and wait for the days when I have appointments. My psychologist can't offer more support because she thinks I am a burden on her. I have tried other places for additional support in the weeks but they have refused because I already see someone. My family and friends are not supportive and they just think that I am not trying enough. Opening up to the people in my life has always backfired on me. I have tried calling different helplines so many times but every single time I feel worse after the call than before.

 

I am not up for peer mentoring or support groups now. I want help surviving and dealing with depression and the support that I am looking for is one-on-one professional support. I have given up on the hope that I am going to find the support that I need or that things will get better. I don't see a way out anymore.

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Re: TW: I can't take it anymore

@skyfireinferno99  my heart really goes out to you, especially when you've been trying so hard to find the right supports. I don't want to minimise what you're going through, because I know that it is shit -we are here, and we are listening. 

__________

Check out our community activities calendar for November 2020 here
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Re: TW: I can't take it anymore

@Janine-RO Thanks for that. I try so much and nothing gets better. Honestly I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't know what I did to deserve all this pain.

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Re: TW: I can't take it anymore

Hi @skyfireinferno99 

 

I'm sorry things are so hard...

 

I just want to say that I'm dealing with similar issues. I'm also autistic, have ADD, anxiety and depression, and chronic pain.

 

I know it won't replace professional support, but one thing that I can do is help you brainstorm some ways to cope with things that are making it harder for you, since I have experience with similar issues.

It won't fix everything, but I know that for me having some simple things I can do helps me get through day to day.

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Re: TW: I can't take it anymore

Hi @Tiny_leaf 

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

Yeah we can try that. I have tried so many things but nothing is helping me anymore.

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Re: TW: I can't take it anymore

Sorry that it took me a while to respond @skyfireinferno99, apparently my notifications are a bit slow today..

 

What sort of things are you struggling to cope with at the moment?