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Re: TW: I can't take it anymore

Hi @Tiny_leaf 

 

I am struggling with a lot right now. I can't focus on my work. I am tired all the time. I keep getting flashbacks about past trauma which leads to panic attacks. I can't sleep or eat or do anything else that will help me function properly.

Re: TW: I can't take it anymore

It sounds like things are exceptionally difficult for you at the moment @skyfireinferno99. Some of the things you have described would be extremely draining to go through - let alone having to manage them all at the same time. 

From what I read in your thread above, it sounds like you really aren't gelling with your current therapist. Trust and understanding is incredibly important for any therapeutic relationship, and so it's really important that you are able to find a psych you connect with. Have you thought about potentially getting a different psychologist? It might be helpful for you, particularly if you find one that specialises in trauma based therapy Heart

Re: TW: I can't take it anymore

@skyfireinferno99 

 

Firstly I do agree with @Andrea-RO, if your therapist is making you feel like a burden they might not be the right fit. Also it's literally thier job to help you. They're being paid for thier work. If they can't do that work they probably shpuld be helping you find someone who can.

 

Functioning is hard...

 

I struggle with eating as well, one thing that helps me is having some foods around that are really easy to make and eat. For me if something takes more than 15 minutes to make I can't do it.

Would that help do you think? If so I can give suggestions on how to do that.

 

I feel like I should say as well that it's okay to be less productive with your work right now. There's a huge amount going on, and if there was ever a time to be gentle with yourself it's right now.

 

Do you know what it is that makes it hard to focus on your work?

Like is it not intresting enough or does it involve too many steps or something like that?

 

Flashbacks are horrible...

One thing that helps me with them is trying to focus on my immediate surroundings as much as possible.

Another thing is playing games like Tetris, for me that really helps take my mind away from things.

 

You mentioned that your autistic, right?

Have you heard if stimming? For me that's really important for self regulation and dealing with stress, do you think it might be worth looking into how it could help you?

Re: TW: I can't take it anymore

Hi @Andrea-RO 

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

My life is a mess. Things are getting on top of me and I don't know what to do anymore.

 

I really like working with my psychologist. I have been seeing her for more than a year now. The appointments helped me manage my condition and do my job well. I need more support because of the lockdown and she can't do weekly appointments because she wants me to be emotionally independent. It's more about me surviving right now and I have talked to her about this multiple times. She can't see me weekly and that's why I feel that I am a burden on her. She would have agreed to weekly appointments if I wasn't being too much for her. I want to continue working with her and I don't want to find anyone else. I just need more support during the pandemic and be able to survive. I think my symptoms will be manageable and I will be fine with fortnightly appointments when my office opens and I am able to go to work everyday.

Re: TW: I can't take it anymore

Hi @Tiny_leaf 

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

I don't want to find a new psychologist. It has been working out well with my current one and I have been seeing her for more than a year now. She can't offer me weekly appointments and I need more support. I don't have any support from family and friends. When I am able to go back into the office everyday, my symptoms will be manageable and I think I will be fine with fortnightly appointments. Until then I don't know what to do anymore. I have tried different helplines multiple times but I always feel worse after the call than before. I have tried work EAP but that didn't work out. I have tried other places for the weeks when I don't have appointments but they can't see me because I already have a psychologist. I don't really know what else is left to do. I just need to learn to accept that feeling depressed and distressed and being in intense physical and emotional pain is the new normal for me.

 

I have a suspected eating disorder. I haven't been diagnosed yet but I have spent some time with specialists about that. Medications have caused me to lose my appetite but gain weight, which only makes me feel worse about my body. I do keep foods around that are easy to cook. I have become a picky eater ever since I start medications for ADHD and there's not that many options for me. I usually eat when I am hungry or not feeling sick, but my appetite is all over the place.

 

I love my job and it's all I have in life. I can't afford to screw up at that. I can't focus when I am working from home and I keep thinking about past trauma, how bad things are, how I am all alone and how no one cares about me. I am also really tired because I haven't had a break in more than 3 years along with the lack of sleep.

 

I hate having flashbacks. Usually I am able to divert my attention back to work but these days I have been having them all the time and it's hard to manage. The things that I have tried are journalling, grounding exercises, breathing exercises and listening to music.

 

Yeah I am autistic. I haven't heard about stimming. I might have a look into that.

Re: TW: I can't take it anymore

@skyfireinferno99 we actually have a thread about stimming, would you like me to tag you?

Re: TW: I can't take it anymore

@Tiny_leaf Yeah that would be good. Thank you for that Smiley Happy 

Re: TW: I can't take it anymore

Hey @skyfireinferno99

 

I am glad to hear that you've got a really good relationship going with your therapist, and it's good that you want to stick with her. It sounds like she's really trying to support and encourage you to take some big steps with your mental health and wellbeing journey. It can be a really stressful and scary time to have that independence, especially if you've been working towards it for a while. I really don't think that you are a burden to her at all, and I think it's really important to focus on this being a step forward for you, rather than a rejection on her part. It's important to remember that the goal of therapy is to eventually be able to not need it/improve your own independence. Have you spoken with her about things you can do to manage these feelings of hurt between sessions?

Re: TW: I can't take it anymore

Hi @Andrea-RO 

 

I know it's important that I can be independent and I am independent in most parts of my life. I don't have any support from my family and friends and I live alone. It's not an option for me to open up to my work colleagues or my manager either that I am struggling. I wanted to get to a point with my psychologist where I could do fortnightly appointments and I was getting used to it but then lockdown happened and my condition is getting worse every day.

 

It definitely does feel like rejection and abandonment. I have been abandoned by psychologists three times in the past. I have talked to my current psych about managing in between sessions but none of those strategies are working for me. I need more professional support during this time but I don't think I am going to get it. I guess I should accept that my condition is going to get worse everyday, there's nothing I can do about that, I am not going to get the support that I need and there's no hope left for me.

Re: TW: I can't take it anymore

Hi @skyfireinferno99 , 

 

It sounds like you've been working really hard on finding the right treatments and strategies for you - that can be really exhausting, and it shows a lot of strength and resilience. Looking back through some of your older posts, I saw that you used to find seeing your GP to be a good support, do you think that's something that would be worth a try? It sounds like you were finding it easier to manage things when you were working in the office, do you have any idea when you might be able to return to work from there? Working from home can definitely come with a lot of challenges and can be really isolating - do you think you could have a conversation with your boss about possible timelines to return to the office? I'm just thinking it could be nice to feel like there's something to look forward to. We're also always here to listen. 

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