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TW - I constantly think about..

Trigger Warning - suicidal thoughts.

 

Last night all I dreamt about was dying and how I would go about doing it and talking to KHL and having ambulance arrive and it possibly being too late to do anything Smiley Sad I don't get it. Not a single day has gone by for the past 3 months at least where I've thought about giving up and not wanting to be here. I'm safe right now. 

 

I'm tired of this. I'm doing everything I can. I'm seeing a psych regularly, I speak to KHL at least once a week sometimes more, I'm going to headspace support groups, I'm forcing myself to be sociable and hang out with friends, when I'm not sick I've made efforts to do sport or exercise, I'm reducing pressure and expectations at work..and I've been getting myself to read or watch tv shows or movies to do the things I normally enjoy and really like doing. 

 

But my passion is gone. 

So is my motivation. 

I just want to hurt myself or disappear. 

I'm sorry for being like this Smiley Sad I wish I was normal and just liked life and thought it is this great thing with so many opportunities.  It doesn't feel like it. It feels like a constant struggle and either something goes wrong or there is some kind of stress. I genuinely don't know if I would go through with it ultimately. I keep telling myself not to, to wait, to keep trying, things will change..try and have hope. 

 

I'm using so much energy all the time. I'm tired and I want it to go away. Smiley Sad 

 

I'm safe right now. 

 

Smiley Sad 

Re: TW - I constantly think about..

Thank you for telling me you're safe @mspaceK.

I understand you're under a lot of stress, right? Losing all that, is tough to deal with.
I know that feeling of losing all motivation and passion. That's me right now (I'm safe btw).
I have no passion or motivation to get the things I love doing. But I found that it's not really what I need right now.

Anyways, you probably don't want to hear about that, as it probably won't relate...
What is it that you need right now?
I'm kinda not in the right headspace to help, but I can be here to talk about it, in little chunks if you want...

Here for you. Hugs

Re: TW - I constantly think about..

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through right now @mspaceK, and I'm glad to hear that you're safe atm.

 

From the looks of things, you've been doing an awesome job in reaching out for support, and making sure you take care of yourself with not a lot of payback for yourself and how you feel, and that really sucks. If I can ask, has something been going on in recent times that keeps dragging you down, or does it seem like there's not any specific reason?

 

You're so right about giving things time, and how change will eventually come. It is so so so frustrating to feel like you're trying everything to help yourself, but nothing about how you feel is changing. I struggle with motivational/passion issues too, and esp when I'm feeling tired and over it, it seems pointless to even aspire for that. 

 

Keep doing what you're doing if you can, with getting support and trying to take care of your body and mind. It's so hard, but you're hanging in there. Sending lots of love HeartHeartHeart

Re: TW - I constantly think about..

Thanks @skyedre & @xXLexi_Lou122Xx . I don't really have anything to say right now.  I'm tired from work and just want to go home and rest. I'll reply properly when I feel up to it. 

Re: TW - I constantly think about..

That's ok @mspaceK. You do what you need to do. Smiley Happy

Re: TW - I constantly think about..

I don't know if it is any specific thing @skyedre . I've had these feelings for ages. Tonight I had a good night out with my friend at this function and I had fun and talked to people, but there were so many times I was just thinking I want this to be over, I don't want to be here, I don't truly feel happy. The way to describe it is like it feels all faked or forced, or i know I should feel good but theres just this cloud over my head. I'm home now and exhausted. I'm also stressed about my work shift tomorrow because my manager has made some changes to my duties for the day and I know I'll get through it fine, I'm just anxious and unmotivated. I don't know if it's financial stress, health stress, work stress and /or family relationship stress. It's probably all of it.

 

It feels like I have so much going on. In my mind and in real life too. I'm trying to take it slow. I get these urges to want to harm myself or fantasize about killing myself and wishing it were real. I know it's wrong. It's like I'm on a loop of bad thoughts. It's only temporary. That's what I keep telling myself. I'm going to try and talk to my KHL counsellor tomorrow if I can.  

 

My health has been really stressing me out recently though. As well as my eating. Smiley Sad 

Re: TW - I constantly think about..

@mspaceK I'm sorry that all this is going on for you.

I know about that cloud.. it really sucks.

Has the infection thing started to improve at all?

Re: TW - I constantly think about..

I feel like crap today. Physically and mentally. 

 

I had work this morning and it was an easy shift but I was so unmotivated for it. I was getting really irritated part way through.  

 

I just had lunch with my mum and now I'm finally home. It was good to see her and my sibling. 

 

I don't really know @Tiny_leaf . I have another day of taking antibiotics left. But I am in pain so much in my lower abdomen / ovary area. I can't pin point exactly. But I am so bloated and energy drained. I'm exhausted. I think I will go to the doctors again tomorrow morning if i can get an appointment, otherwise I'll go on Tuesday.  I think I need an ultrasound or something. It just really feels like something is wrong but I don't know. 

 

Going to watch a tv show and see if my khl counselor is available. 

Re: TW - I constantly think about..

@mspaceK i think that you going out and talking to people, and having fun is something to be really proud of. I've been to some events where i just feel disconnected and unhappy despite all the possible things that should be making me feel good, and it's such a helpless feeling because it's not something you can really control. For me, with more time that passes from that event, the easier it is to overlook all the shitty things I was feeling and remember the parts that were fun instead. I'm glad you say it was a good night, and I hope the crappy parts of the night don't outweigh the better parts Smiley Happy

 

It sounds like your life is super busy right now, and you have every right to feel exhausted and unmotivated because of it. Taking it slow def sounds like a good idea, and you deserve the time. Telling myself that things are temporary helps me too, and even if you might not really believe it, it's a good thing to try turn things positive anyway.

 

Good luck with your counsellor! I hope they can help you out as much as they can, and of course, we're here to listen here too Heart 

Re: TW - I constantly think about..

Hi @mspaceK, I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing today? I was just reading through your posts for the last week and I have to say that you managed to put into words the way I have been feeling for the past few months. I might not be in the exact same position as you, but I know just how much it sucks to feel so disengaged and dissatisfied with the experience of living.

 

I am starting to come out of my funk, so I am confident that in time you will be able to feel better too. The thing that kept me going through all the scary suicidal thoughts was the fact that I know what it feels like to feel 'better' - I have felt excited by life before, I have felt motivated and engaged, I have felt happy to be alive. While I spent days and nights feeling the exact opposite, I knew that I was capable of feeling good, so that gave me the hope I needed to persevere through the hardest of times. What gives you hope? 

 

The best advice I ever received from a psychologist was this - "Just keep doing what you're doing, and eventually, everything won't feel like sh*t". I genuinely believe this to be true. Hang in there @mspaceK, just take one day at a time. We are all here for you and rooting for you. You certainly don't have to apologise for the way you're feeling - the person that is most impacted by it is you. I hope today is a bit lighter and brighter, but if it isn't, I'm always here for a chat xx