*TW* I don't want to be here anymore

[MB95]

I don't know how to put how I'm feeling into words and not sure I really care to even try. I just feel so numb and angry and don't want to be here anymore and am finding it really hard to stay strong. I want to hurt myself so badly but then I scare myself and end up feeling worse and like more of a coward because I can't do it. I'm just over it. I wish I could be normal but I can't and I don't think it's ever going to change. I'm fucked up and that's that. And it's only going to get worse these next couple days cause it's anniversaries and I can't cope. I have no one and I don't know what to do. I'm safe and I will be safe cause I'm stuck with family and would never put them through it but I don't feel safe. I just want to scream.

[Hannah-RO]

Hey @MB95 I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Sending lots of big sloth hugs and vibes your way  

I'm hearing how over everything you are, and that you feel like it's hard to stay strong, I can only imagine how exhausted you must be and that that must be making things even more tough. I understand it's going to be a tough couple of days for you and we're here to support you however we can. You are really important to us and we want you to be ok 

Thanks for letting us know you're safe, I understand you're not feeling safe though and this must feel really overwhelming. Do you want to chat through some coping strategies to use for the next couple of days?

[MB95]

Thanks @Hannah-RO, I love that everyone has jumped on board the sloth train 😂 

I'm happy to try and talk through strategies cause I'm so over everything and just want it all to stop. Mainly my anger atm. I can't seem to control it. I've tried journaling and messaging my friend but it hasn't worked so idk how much it will work but I guess we can try. I'm pretty exhausted though so not really up to much. I'm just scared about what I will do so I guess if I can stop being so numb and angry it might help me feel safer. Idk. I was going to maybe check in on some posts on here cause I just messaged lost and that made me stop feeling for a moment cause she made me laugh. So it was a nice distraction. But I really don't know what other strategies to try. 

[Lost_Space_Explorer5]

Hey @MB95 I'm sorry you're feeling like you don't want to be here anymore I'm glad you're safe at the moment though, but things still sound really intense. Thanks for reaching out to us, I appreciate how hard that can be. I know sometimes you feel like you're burdening people reaching out to us on here, but that is not the case at all. We really want you to be safe and really care about you.

I'm glad I made you laugh lol Argh I'm gonna miss you when you age out of these forums!

I know you're strong enough to get through this, because you've done it so many times before. I'm sorry you're feeling so angry Sometimes I get angry at the world and the trying to push it down just makes it get bigger. Do you relate to that at all?

What anniversaries are coming up, if that's okay to ask?

So you've tried journaling, messaging your friend and distracting yourself on here, right? I wonder what else we could try.. What do you think you need right now?

*sloth hugs*

[clarii3105]

Hi @MB95, I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. Regarding the anger, I used to have a lot of issues dealing with my anger to the point where I would frequently be very verbally nasty (much to my regret) towards other people. I would also throw stuff around my room and punch my pillows really hard and stuff, so I can definitely empathise with the upset, frustration and self-hatred that comes with difficult-to-manage anger. You're not alone, and this doesn't mean you're a bad person and things can't get better!

two main things I found helped me a lot were breathing exercises and physical exercise. as you feel the anger rising, I've found that taking a sharp, deep breath in, counting to 4, holding it for 4, then taking a deep breath out for 6 (and repeating this as much as you need) helps quell some of the rage. according to guided meditation I've done on the Smiling Mind app (great app for meditating and calming down btw!) the breath serves as the body's natural tranquilizer, and can help you calm down in times of anger. Actual physical exercise is great too - going for a short walk outside away from other people i find has great-calming down effects, as well as going running, lifting weights etc - let's you 'sweat the anger out' haha. long-term you could even do something like get a punching bag and some gloves to help channel the anger into a healthy release. do any of these things sound like they could help you? 

I hope things look up soon. have a beautiful day

[WheresMySquishy]

@MB95  I'm so sorry you're feeling so down and frustrated. Well done for staying safe and trying out some strategies, even though they didn't entirely help.
I hope that you can make it through the next couple of days. Anniversaries can be so tough.
I agree with @Lost_Space_Explorer5. You are a strong person and have already gotten through a lot.

[MB95]

Thanks @WheresMySquishy and thanks for sharing your experience with me @clarii3105. I've tried the breathing a lot, especially when I'm anxious, but it doesn't seem to work for me when I'm angry. I struggle to calm myself down so it just kinda makes me worse cause I get so frustrated at it. I've used the smiling mind app a bit in the past so maybe I'll try it tonight cause I'm not feeling as angry at the moment. Just numb and exhausted. As for exercise, I always have the intentions to do it but when I'm like that I can't. I do always want to punch things and scream though so have thought about buying a punching bag. I just have shit anxiety so struggle to get myself to the shops to buy it cause I don't really know what I'm buying so my anxiety goes crazy. 

Thanks @Lost_Space_Explorer5. I did try hard not to post on here cause I haven't got long to go but I really needed to talk to someone and my psych is still on holidays and I promised myself I wouldn't send her any emails that would worry her cause it's not fair on her so I gave in. Aren't you guys lucky?! 😂 I get what you mean, but I am so used to pushing it down that I don't really know what to do with it tbh. I don't really want to talk about the anniversaries sorry. I just never talk about them cause it's too hard. I hope that's okay. I tried to do some uni work and watched some Netflix which sort of helped. I'm not as angry now, just completely wiped. Thanks for listening guys, I REALLY appreciate it. 

[Lost_Space_Explorer5]

Yeah I can understand that @MB95, not knowing what to do with the anger. I've found when I'm not angry anymore I look back and just don't understand what I was thinking. I think our logic brain is supposed to get switched off when there's that much emotion so I try to reactivate my logic brain by doing something like puzzle games or reading stuff on my phone (I don't have the attention span for reading a book anymore, but that might also work lol?). Sorry if you're not wanting suggestions right now. I find the brain sort of interesting in my very basic understanding of it Still, if we wanted to sound fancy when distressed we could say, oof my amygdala is really being overworked right now, I need to switch on my prefrontal cortex

That's totally okay, you can talk about whatever you're comfortable with. Ooh it sounds like the "logic brain" distractions with uni and Netflix helped a bit?

[MB95]

Okay @Lost_Space_Explorer5. I need to thank you twice today! Actually no, 3 times!!!

1) For your dropping like flies comment

2) For your dropping like flies memes 

3) For your fancy brain comment

And.. fuck it..

4) For just being you! 

Seriously, I have needed those laughs so badly today so THANK YOU!!! 

Legit having such a belly laugh at your message just now. You truly are great. 

I also don't have the attention span for books these days.. but I guess the uni and netflix helped. And I just sent my best friend a big long message which actually felt really theraputic. I vented like crazy and she's a lot like you where she will come back with random shit that makes me laugh 😂 

I'm defs not great and in denial atm about a lot of things but I don't care cause the intense thoughts of offing myself are at bay for the moment so I'm feeling a little less on edge and finally feeling safe with myself. 

I feel so stupid about today, like you said about the logic brain - I just don't get what I was thinking. But I guess it's reminded me of how much I need help and that I need to try and take these next few days easy if I'm going to make it. 

Seriously though, thank you so much for the laughs and for just being you! I'm gonna miss you so much when I leave here 😭

[Lost_Space_Explorer5]

Awwhh you're welcome @MB95 I'm gonna miss you too

Your friend sounds awesome