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Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

@MB95  How are you going today?

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

Thanks for checking in @Eden1717. I'm not great, but I'm getting there. I just don't feel safe in myself for some reason and for some reason I just want to go and see my psych and hug her. But I'm also not on board with it anymore and have stopped therapy for a while. Idk what's going on. I also got really dissociated this morning in class and had to take a break because my self harm thoughts were getting so intense I was scared people would notice. My lecturer kept looking at me as if she knew what I was thinking which freaked me out. And I also wanted to hug her randomly? Then my other lecturer who I spoke with last week and has put supports in place for me emailed randomly to check in and wish me a happy Easter and told me to call her if I need anything. So then I got teary. I wanted to cry but my body is numb so doesn't really allow that kind of emotion very often. Not really sure what's going on. I just don't feel safe and am really scared to be left alone which has been happening for a while now. And for some reason whenever one of my housemates is home I keep wanting to give her a hug and just cry. Idk why but I so badly want to hug her but feel like it would be weird. She's a hugger but also super caring and I don't usually hug so I know she'll hit me with a million questions. I just keep getting really anxious and scared when she isn't home cause I don't feel safe without her here. Same with her partner but I don't get as worried about him. Idk. I've kept them at a distance cause I don't want to get attached but for some reason I just freak out when she isn't home and then when she is I have to hold back the hugs. I think she accidently saw that I have self harmed too cause she's been overly caring and protective and keeps mentioning how strong I am which has come out of nowhere and she was pretty against leaving me home on my own this weekend. Idk. I think she just makes me feel safe maybe? Cause I'm not sure what else it is but it's weird. Part of me just wants to tell her everything cause I feel like she's been probing me and if she did see that I have self harmed I really don't want her to worry. She wasn't meant to see them but there was this night I forgot about them and since then she's been like this. I won't tell her anything though because I will probably scare her and then she won't want me living here anymore and I finally feel like I have a home so I don't want to ruin it. I just feel weird though. I'm scared to be on my own and don't know where this urge to hug people is coming from?!?! Any suggestions? Cause I'm at a loss.

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

Sorry my messages are so long tonight. I just feel like I really need to talk to someone. 

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

Hey @MB95,

 

The urge to hug is a very natural urge. It's so naturally that children/babies instinctually reach out for touch and other forms of affection, often as it is part of the human experience.  It's so much so that if there is no touch, mirroring or affection from their loved ones they can actually die. There are stories in about this of babies dying who have been left alone in orphanages, because they were not being picked up, hugged and touched. Part of reaching out for touch, mirroring and affection is a survival mechanism and it sounds like all that's happening is your natural instincts kicking in. As human we are not designed to keep as much distance as what modern culture would have everyone believe. It may be difficult to buck this instinct as it goes against our natural lore as humans and we are simply not designed to buck these urges, we've been conditioned to.  

 

If you need a hug and there is someone like your roommate who loves hugs, is caring about you, is there for you and who is asking about your wellbeing, it might be a pretty safe place for you to allow a hug and cry. If you really don't want to answer any questions can you maybe ask her not to not ask any questions or not too many questions (if you're up for it) if/when you hug her and cry?  If she saw you cutting then maybe she just wants to know a bit more about it so she knows when to be worried and when not to be worried. Not all people are shocked with this topic, however I understand that you may be fearful about what other's reactions may be on this.   

 

It sounds like you are feeling quite vulnerable right now with emotions ready to be emoted and is giving you a sense of general unsafety, as you may be more open than usual. It can be challenging to allow ourselves to emote when we are not used to doing this and may not even be aware that this is what's happening.  You said that you disassociated in class, disassociation may be a protective strategy for when your emotions are coming to the surface and ready to be released.  

 

This weekend is a celebrative weekend.  Is is possible to allow yourself more affection than what you are used to in the spirit of a holiday? I get that it's difficult, yet it might support you greatly. What are you prepared and willing to do in regard to all this?

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

@MB95  sorry it took so long to reply I am currently in a lot of physical pain from a long standing back issue. anyway I am sorry you are feeling so horrible. idk maybe the urge to hug people is because it would make you feel safer and comforted? can you maybe get a stuffed animal or even a heat pack and hug it and cry? idk it might let you release some emotions but idk. have you found anything in the past helpful to combat the self harm thoughts? i know some people use ice or rubber bands but i never really found that helpful. actually come to think of it I am not sure how i stopped doing it. anyway i hope you can find something that works for you. sorry i am not much help. 

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

Hey @MB95 , just wanted to pop in here and say I'm thinking of you, I hope your week has been going well- and also a little cheesy indoor plant GIF for ya! 

 

 

Motivation Plants GIF by LookHUMAN

 

It sounds like things were feeling really intense for you last week, we are here if you need to chat.

 

__________

Check out our community activities calendar here

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

Thanks @Janine-RO, I LOVE the GIF! You just reminded me I need to check on my plants actually, I took them all outside for a water a couple days ago and forgot to bring them all back in 🤦‍♀️ I have like 10 in my room now and got a couple for around the house lol 

 

Thanks @MaryRO. I think my urge to hug has well and truly gone lol Idk what was going on. I'm back to being my shut off self though so it's all good, I feel more myself now! It is kinda weird though cause I went from wanting to be with my housemates and scared to be away from them to now getting so angry at them so easily when they've haven't even done anything and I can't work out why. Like my blood just boils and I have really bad thoughts. Yesterday was hard. I couldn't control my anger or work out where it was even coming from. I know I never would, or at least I hope to God I never would, but I just wanted to hurt them and scream and yell. But then a few hours later I went back to wanting to spend time with them. It was so weird. They don't know I was like that cause I went and hid in my room and I'd never let it show. But yeah. Idk what was going on. It's been happening a bit lately. I feel like I'm going insane. One moment I'm okay and the next I'm really not. Like yesterday I really wanted to self harm but I couldn't because my housemates were here and then I just got more angry and worked up because I couldn't do it and then I did something else for the first time ever that I guess in one way would be considered 'normal' if it wasn't under the circumstances but it made me feel so disgusting and I don't even know why the hell I did it because it's not me at all and it usually just grosses me out. I don't know what is going on with me. I just feel like I'm losing it and don't know how to gain control. They want me back on meds but I really don't want to go down that path again but then I wonder if maybe I should. I don't know. I just wish it would all stop. 

 

I agree @Eden1717. I don't find the rubber bands or ice to help. I can't usually feel the ice cause I'm just so numb I don't even notice the burning sensation lol Occasionally I use the rubber bands if I'm at uni and getting really worked up or starting to disassociate, I'll go into the bathrooms and do it for a while but it very rarely works. Idk. I'm just trying really hard to stay busy and to spend all my time at uni cause that's often where I feel safest for some reason. 

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

Hey @MB95 

That is so cool you have so many plants! Do you have a favourite? I don't know anything about plants but have great admiration for plant parents Heart

 

Your feelings around your housemates sound like it must be pretty confusing and frustrating, its so hard when we feel a certain way and just can't pinpoint where it's coming from. Anger can be such a tough emotion to manage, do you feel like you have an outlet for it? Something we taught in a workshop I used to run was finding places to just shout at the top of your lungs to feel that cathartic release - some people would do this underwater, or underneath a bridge when a train goes past, or out near the airport as the noisy planes are taking off. Its an incredible primal feeling and I cannot recommend it enough! I know you said you felt like screaming and yelling, is there somewhere you think you might be able to do this and let it all out? Sorry if that is a totally silly and unhelpful suggestion!

That is really tough that they want you back on meds, it sounds like its pretty conflicting for you which is totally fair enough, its a hard decision to make and it must be harder if you're feeling this pressure as well. I think you're really good at reflecting on yourself @MB95 Heart

I also think its really insightful of you to notice that uni is where you feel safest at the moment and proactive of you to be spending more time there. Are you hanging out at uni today? Have you got much on for your afternoon?

 

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

@MB95 staying busy is a good plan. I can empathise with wanting things to stop. have you given any further thought to see a psychiatrist? I dont mean to suggest that because of meds more I guess i am wondering if seeing one might help you get a clearer picture of what is going on for you which might then give you a clearer picture of how to move forward towards making things feel better? like it could be meds they suggest or therapy or any number of things but it might give you more specific options for help as a lot of things dont seem to be working for you. idk just a thought. 

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

@MB95sorry I haven't been around lately I've yeah I don't really have an excuse other than just wanting to be alone Smiley Sad I get the switchy emotions hehe. Anger can be so scary.. I definitely have really bad thoughts of hurting and yelling at people when I'm angry and the things I get angry about seem so small but I am pretty good at hiding it until well I snap and yell or say something mean. My counsellor said something to me once that resonated with me, maybe it will help you? It was something like if you grow up in a home where you can't express emotions as much, your anger can sort of go from one to 10 in terms of thoughts and it's completely normal to have really bad thoughts because that's just what your brain has learnt and the fact you don't want to act on them says more than them. Im not really explaining this at all well but the point was it's normal and okay and your brain is just doing what it has learnt to do. I think sort of being aware of your bodily tension can help you become aware of when you're becoming angry or 'having an emotion' Smiley LOL because god forbid we have an emotion right?! HAHA I'm joking emotions are so important and they are our friends and pushing them away can lead us to lose touch from them and only see them when they do go up to 10 and then we're like hold up where did that come from and that can lead to panic and now I'm rambling. TW what helped when I was hurting myself well what got me to stop was having my psych make me promise not to hurt myself. I was like what the heck I can't do that but then for some reason it just became a rule and whenever I had the urge I was like can I get through this and if I break the rule she wouldnt even know because I wouldn't tell her so what was the point in even promising if she would never know. But it wasn't about whether people cared for me, it was a way of coping in the moment. And then if I did speak up about it it was only because I was asked and it would feel very awkward. But back then sometimes I would want my CM or counsellor to know but I couldn't tell them because what if that meant I was doing it for attention. But then I realised that maybe part of it was that I was trying to communicate that things were very very wrong and I was so sad that I wanted to hurt myself because there was that much hatred for myself and I just wanted it to stop. And I realised because I wanted to tell them about my SH that must mean I want them to help with the why and I didn't want to feel this way anymore. So I've kind of replaced (most of the time) SH with talking about what's wrong. Skipping the middleman if you like. Because hurting myself can make me feel better in the short term but then I'd feel worse. And if someone could help me when I was feeling bad such that I didn't need the middleman at that time and knowing I would end up eventually asking for help about my problems anyway (with or without bring up the SH) it just felt like what's the point in hurting myself when it's more 'efficient', that's kind of the wrong word, to cut out all the time trying to deal with stuff on my own and getting caught in the cycle than to try and do something that will help me feel better. I'm not sure if any of that made sense HAHAA or was at all helpful/'enlightening' for you Smiley LOL (Just kidding I know I was rambling and making ZERO sense) but I think what I'm trying to ask is if the SH helps you cope and get through those horrible feelings but then it makes you feel bad afterwards and it's sort of a cycle, what's the alternative. Because I think it was only until I went without it that I realised it wasn't really helping me at all and I thought it was the only thing keeping me together. It's kind of an addiction like that huh... We think we need it and don't realise it's doing more harm than good. So those replacements are good in the short term but I'm only just realising maybe the goal isn't to switch coping strategies but to realise that we can sit through these horrible feelings without needing something because feelings kind of just burn themselves out and we are so much stronger and more capable than we think

Um.. yeah.. not really sure if any of what I said in my rambling could help at all. It makes sense uni would feel safest, because it can feel like a safer place where you aren't 'alone' with your thoughts. Do you think that could be why or is it something else? We could brainstorm about what it is? That could be helpful even if we can't find the 'answer'. Often there is no one 'answer' I think. I can feel really scared of myself sometimes, do you feel scared of yourself or is it something else? It could be about learning to trust yourself with your own safety. I remember feeling so angry hearing so if you're feeling angry about that sentence that's okay. Or any other emotion/ no emotion. It can be really interesting when we ask ourselves 'why' something makes us feel a certain way but without judging ourselves or expecting an answer. Just being curious and accepting of how we feel and all that positive psychology crap we know and love Smiley Tongue I'm kidding it's like that's easier said than done and why would I try that it's stupid it won't work etc. So maybe we could acknowledge any resistance you have to trying to be open to listening to yourself and think oh! That's interesting!

Ooh I also love the "thank you brain!" thing. Like where you genuinely thank your brain for worrying or having an automatic negative thought because it is your friend and just trying to help even though it often very much misses the mark (probably like I am doing right now). But you shouldn't yell at your brain because it doesn't know any better and is trying to help?

I love how very little logic there is in my replies, like good luck with that 😬 Thank god I'm not being graded on these essays right? Could you imagine if I had to reference all of my vague and unreliable sources on top of this??! Hahaha (sorry my humour game is off at the moment *sigh*)