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Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

@MB95  it is ok that you didnt reply before sometimes distractions are better than facing something when you are not up for it. I also just want to say that it is ok to need help and you arent week or silly for needing it. and sometimes it is a need not a want but often society makes us think of needing help as more of a want than a need like it is optional, idk if i am making sense. i guess i just want you to know you shouldnt feel guilty if you do need extra help. as for how to ask for it i also often struggle with that one, and feeling like i would be bothering people... could you maybe send an email to your psych and just say you just needed to let them know how you are feeling like maybe if you can let all your feelings out in an email it might help you make it through to your appointment on wednesday. idk just a thought. hmmm have you ever done any DBT? I may have asked that before but some of the things that you are talking about seem like things that that may have some helpful skills for. 

 

anyway if you want to talk here you are always welcome to although i understand it isnt the same as talking to formal supports. is there anything we can help with tonight that would be helpful or something you can do to feel a little better tonight? 

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

Thanks @Eden1717. I want to email her but I feel so stupid and really don't want to annoy her. I know it's probably not true but I keep thinking she hates me and she doesn't want me to go back this year. I feel like she's just had a break from me and I'm the last person on earth she wants to hear from. Idk. I'm just really feeling like a waste of space atm and that she would rather I disappeared so she didn't have to put up with me. I emailed her the other day cause I was so paranoid about my friend working with her and then I had to email her the day after saying I'd stuffed up and my friend was working in a different area and I just felt so stupid and like I wasted her time so I doubt she wants to hear from me again. But that was paranoid me who wasn't thinking at all. Whereas now I am thinking properly and I actually really need her help. Idk. I really don't want to bother her. She's only just started back for the year so I want to let her settle in and not completely resent me. I did think of maybe seeing if my GP had like an urgent appointment? Do they even do those? Idk. I'm so scared to call and ask though cause I don't want the office ladies thinking I'm attention seeking and making it up cause there's a long wait list and there's no reason I should get in before someone else really. Idk. I just feel like I need to check in with someone. Part of me doesn't care and just wants to crawl into a hole and die and the other part is trying so goddam hard to fight but starting to feel like it's not worth it cause no one is there to help convince me it is. Idk. It's hard to explain. 

 

I've never done DBT. It came up in conversation last year when my psych and GP were trying to get me to see a psychiatrist but that's about it. My psych isn't trained in it but she did start trying to do some other things with me. Actually wait, nevermind I think she started trying some ACT stuff. Idk. She never told me she was but someone on here told me about it and I think that's what it was. Cause CBT doesn't work with me. There's no changing these thoughts. Maybe for 10min and then we're back at square one scratching our heads lol My brain is fucked. I wish I could get a transplant and just be normal!!!! 

 

I don't really know. Please don't judge me but I'm watching some home and away episodes.. I know, I know!! But my grandad loves it and likes to talk to me about it so I'm trying to catch up a bit so we can talk about it lol I have grown to secretly love it.. I never used to be able to stand it! Like would turn the TV off as soon as it came on. Bloody hated it lol But I guess it just distracts me from my own shit. 

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

@MB95  lol no judgement here we all have that one trashy show that we secretly love. ACT isnt too bad i have done a little of that and yeah DBT can be hard to come by also it is a like actual full on program so you would know if you had done it. like when i did it it was like 19 weeks and we had group and private sessions and there is this whole book anyway it is pretty good and it isnt like CBT where they tell you to think differently it is more about making you able to tolerate your thoughts and also finding a way to make a life you want to live. idk it is hard to explain but anyway if you need to talk to your GP then it is probably a good idea. it must be hard having all of those feelings about your psych but i am sure she doesnt feel that way although i know me saying that wont help. 

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

Haha I won't go telling my grandad you called it trashy @Eden1717 he'll be devo lol But it is! Although I have to say I much prefer scripted drama than reality drama. Reality drama just scares me that there are actually people like that in the world 😂 I mean we're all different, but I can't do dramatic lol

 

Yeah.. I remember when they were trying to convince me to do it it was going to be at a private clinic and like I'd have to go in and stay for full days and stuff. Just quietly I kind of really want to do it cause it sounded like stuff I'd be able to do but I don't want anyone finding out I'm doing it so yeah I decided nope. Plus I was too scared to see the psychiatrist and have her tell me I needed it lol Stupid I know. But there's something about being told I need it that I don't like. Idk. Did you find you got stuff out of DBT? Cause it also wasn't cheap being private so I figured if CBT doesn't fix me then is DBT going to? Idk if I wanna pay so much money to not be fixed and have it not work? 

 

Thanks. I don't know how to not think that she hates me and I'm wasting her time, so yeah it probably doesn't really matter what you say, I would still think it. But I appreciate you just listening. 💙 

 

I think I want to talk to my back up psych. I just don't know how to without my psych finding out and wanting to call me instead. Like for some reason I don't feel as guilty calling my back up psych lol Maybe cause she only deals with me every now and again so I feel like she gets a decent break from me whereas my actual psych is forever putting up with me? Idk. 

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

@MB95  honestly if you need to call the backup psych then you probably should. you can always say you just want to speak to them for now. DBT isnt a cure all no therapy is but it was helpful and worth doing. i did mine in the community actually it is built to be done on a long term community basis so if you ever do feel like doing it maybe see if you can find a community program that has it. mine was done with a private psychologist who specializes in DBT and runs the groups as well but where I live there is also a public program but it takes months to get into. anyway something to think about.  

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

Thanks for sharing @Eden1717, I might give it a go one day, we'll see. 

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

Hey @MB95 

I understand that feeling when someone asks if you're ok and you say you are when you're not and then you feel worse Smiley Sad I really love that you watched home and away though and that is something you share with your grandad! I think that is so lovely Heart

You mentioned a few different options for professional supports in these posts, I understand you're not seeing your psych until next Wednesday and you were considering maybe emailing her, or seeing your gp, or seeing your back up psych, have you decided which of these options to take? 

You're being really resourceful coming up with these support options for yourself Heart

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

No I haven't @Hannah-RO. I don't really know how to ask one of them for help and keep getting angry at myself for being annoying and not able to do it on my own. I just feel like I'll be wasting their time and I know they're busy so I don't want to do that. 

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

@MB95  do you think maybe writing down a pros and cons list of reasons for contacting them would help? and maybe writing down what you might say to whoever you choose to contact so you know what you would say before hand? idk just some thoughts they might not be helpful. 

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

Yeah thanks @Eden1717. I think I just need to get over it and deal with it myself. Sorry for making it sound like this big tough decision, I just get so paranoid and worked up. The only person available now is my back up psych anyway so that makes the decision easier now. My GP and psych don't work Thurs/Fri. I've been listening to music and cleaning all day to keep myself busy so we'll see what happens. Thanks for just listening and I'm sorry for over reacting I'm just a bit of a mess atm and not sure what to do.