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Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

@MB95  I dont think you are overreacting these things can be scary. still sometimes it is best to just bite the bullet and get it over with. listening to music and cleaning sounds like a good option especially if you do them together it makes the cleaning feel like less work lol. 

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

Hey @MB95, it sounds like you had a big decision on your hands. Sometimes it can be nice to have things work themselves out to the point where you only have one option left, especially when you are struggling to decide. Are you still feeling uneasy about contacting your backup psych? And when will you be able to chat to them?

Listening to music and cleaning sounds like a good way to keep yourself busy. What type of music do you listen to?

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

Yeah I am @Taylor-RO, but I'm just trying to ignore it and keep myself busy. I don't even know if she has time to talk to me. I'd have to call tomorrow but I'm scared to so just trying to make do.

 

I'm pretty easy going with music. I'll listen to any thing but screamo heavy metal stuff lol What sort of music do you like? I was listening to some random chilled out playlist on spotify today it was called ever flow or something like that, was actually really good! 


@Taylor-RO wrote:
Hey @MB95, it sounds like you had a big decision on your hands. Sometimes it can be nice to have things work themselves out to the point where you only have one option left, especially when you are struggling to decide. Are you still feeling uneasy about contacting your backup psych? And when will you be able to chat to them?

Listening to music and cleaning sounds like a good way to keep yourself busy. What type of music do you listen to?

 

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

Hey @MB95, I'm sorry things are so dark at the moment. I would say you should definitely reach out to some support if you're saying you need it. From what you've said in the past, you don't reach out to your supports unless something is really wrong because you do seem to try and get by on your own Smiley Sad So alarm bells are going off for me that stuff is really bad for you right now. And I know you're usually good at faking being okay to your mum, and her picking up on it must mean you're really struggling right now and need some support. We are most definitely here to listen but please do contact someone who can help because I'm really worried about you!

 

With the DBT stuff, yeah it can be so so hard to get into public groups- the waiting lists are.. yeah.. Private, you'd need private health insurance I reckon to make it more manageable? Not sure though Smiley Frustrated. Either way, it's entirely up to you. But yeah, just cause CBT didn't work doesn't mean nothing else will. There are so many options out there but it can feel like that's not the case when we're used to dealing with stuff on our own and things keep going wrong

 

In the meantime if you did want to give DBT stuff a try, this website has some stuff on it I believe

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

Thanks for the support @Lost_Space_Explorer5. I did click onto the site earlier but it's a bit too much atm so I might come back to it at a later date, but thanks for sharing it. 

 

I'm just feeling weird and kinda not sure what to do from here. I'm so used to dealing with stuff on my own and have managed to get this far but at the same time I know I don't deal with things the way I should but I just don't know how to deal with them. I know I need help, and things are just getting worse and if I don't start helping myself soon by taking up the offers and referrals I've had then it's only going to get a lot worse. I can feel it. It's like I'm losing my strength and will to fight. I just don't feel as in control anymore which is how I know and I feel like everyone around me is noticing. I really can't keep it together. Simple tasks are a challenge and ugh nevermind it's too hard to explain. 

 

I know there is nothing wrong with seeking and needing help, heck if other people reach out I think they are so brave. But for some reason when it's me I just won't settle for it and I feel like such a failure. I would NEVER judge anyone about being mentally ill, EVER. And I get so fired up when people do and they don't take the time to understand. So I am not looking down on anyone and never would for it, but for some reason when it's me I just won't believe it? Ugh, I can't put it into words and I really hope I'm not upsetting anyone because I promise that's not my intention. And I don't think I'm better than anyone or anything but it's like I feel like it's okay for other people to have a mental illness but it's not okay for me? 

 

I think I'm finding it a lot harder to sit with at the moment because I can feel how much it's getting worse and how much I do need help but can't ask for it. I'm just so glad you guys exist or else I'd be going completely crazy. Although I feel like I'm pretty well there atm. 

 

I want to reach out for help but it's so hard and I feel like it just makes things worse and is easier to just keep things to myself because it saves all the stress and discomfort. Idk. I don't even know what I've just typed lol I just needed to let something out. Thankyou everyone for the support you've given me with everything in the past. This community means so much to me and I can't thank you all enough for giving me a reason to stay and fight. I think I just need some time away to try and get my head together because nothing is working. I'm sorry. I just feel like I'm wasting everyone's time because I know this isn't a big deal and there's people out there who are far worse off than me. I just need to work out how to pull my head in and get over it. The sooner, the better. I'm sorry for everything. 

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

@MB95  I am sorry you are feeling so conflicted right now. comparisons are always difficult because at the end of the day there will always be someone who has it worse and someone who has it better than us that is just how it is in a world with over 7 billion of us, but that being said it really doesnt matter where you stand in that sense because the amount someone is suffering doesnt determine how much help they deserve and everyone deserves help when they are struggling. i can understand the feeling of denial and not fully wanting to accept that there is a serious issue going on because acknowledging that normally means that we have to do something about it which can be super scary. but i also think what you have been doing up until now seems to be just surviving and that is great and hard work on your part but there are easier ways to live not just survive and you do deserve to find those ways, but it might take a big leap into the unknown for you to find them. for the help to work you have to accept it and commit to it and that can be super scary and hard and in the beginning you may feel worse but sometimes we have to feel worse before we can start to heal and feel better. 

 

idk if you have seen the twilight movies (they were kind of bad) but anyway there is this part when the doctor has to re-brake someones bones so that they set right and dont heal in the wrong spots. the process of therapy can kind of be like that sometimes you have to hurt a bit at first before you can start to heal properly. I guess where i am going with all this is you are the only one who can decide enough is enough and reach out for the help and you ARE worth it but you have to decide you are ready to care about yourself first before you can do this and that can be one of the hardest parts. especially when we are used to caring about others more all the time. take as much time as you need we will be here to listen whenever you need.  

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

Good morning @MB95, I hope you wake up feeling a little bit brighter today Smiley Happy Maybe before you do anything else, pop your head outside in the sun for a few minutes and take some nice deep breathes into your chest to start your day Heart

I can sense a lot of worry and guilt within your words at the moment, and I want you to know how important you are, and that your feelings come number 1 to yourself in life. It is like the saying on airplanes, putting your oxygen mask on first to take care of yourself, so that you have the ability to help others.

I am a little concerned with how you are feeling at the moment, so I just want to ask if you're safe?. I think it is important for you to know that your support systems are in place to keep you safe and to ensure you are living your best version of yourself, and I know as a professional, that they would much rather know you are doing okay than fighting your own battles with the fear of 'burdening' them.

Is it safe to say that you are becoming more concerned with the idea of calling now because you have pondered on it, than you are of actually seeing them? Sometimes I find myself getting trapped within my own thought process and it makes it really difficult to push myself to make a decision that is right for me. You have so much strength and courage, and I hope today you make the leap that you need Heart

We support you @MB95!!!

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

Well I just tried calling my back up psych cause I've been feeling sick and scared all morning and turns out she's gone to another job so that's great. I just want to be alone. I feel so dead inside. What a way to not feel abandoned. I'm happy for her but wish someone had told me so I wouldn't find out like this. Now I'm just angry at my psych cause she would have known and I'm paranoid she's leaving too. I don't know why I bother believing people when they say they aren't going anywhere. It's always a load of shit. This is why I deal with things on my own, less pain and let down. 

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

hey @MB95
thats really tough! i can relate to you though, my gp of a few years actually up and left just a little while ago and told all her patients except me! i had to find out off the nurse i see that she was gone cause id only seen her a few days before she left and not once did she mention anything about leaving.
Its quite dissapointing when that happens and i can relate to how this might be affecting you too..Im sorry this has happened to you, it doesnt seem very fair
**NEVER be afraid to ask for help because you're WORTH it!**

Re: *TW* I don't want to be here anymore

I am really sorry to hear that @MB95, I can imagine the feelings you are experiencing at the moment. It can be extremely difficult when somebody leaves your life, especially when you needed it the most, so I can understand where the feeling of pain and abandonment is coming from. Where they able to give you any information about someone else that could fill their space for you to contact between your normal psych? 

I just want to say that I am extremely proud of you for building up the courage to call them, that is really powerful and although it brought on more heavy feelings, you did something really courageous that you didn't think you were able to do. 

Do you think this could be an opportunity to have a talk to your psych about your fear of her leaving? It is important that your feelings around this are heard Heart