*TW* I don't want to be here anymore

[Hannah-RO]

Thank you for letting us know how you're feeling @MB95, I'm glad that you feel safe to share with us here. We really care about you so much and we want you to be ok 

This is so upsetting and I totally understand why you're feeling angry at your psych. We don't think you're fucked up at all, we think you're really amazing.

Is there anything you can do this evening to feel a bit better? 

So sorry this is happening @MB95, we are here for you  

[Lost_Space_Explorer5]

Hey @MB95 it's understandable to feel angry and hurt that you're limited to 10 sessions with her per year. I have a feeling it's a management thing because my uni counselling had a similar 6 session limit, but it's confusing as to why it's changed all of a sudden. I really don't think she wanted to hurt you and it's her job to make sure you have other supports there when she can't be there. 10 sessions should give you a little time to sort out what you want to do next, whether you want to continue therapy or what other support you can pursue. I know things are really intense at the moment but there's no rush to figure out what it is you need. You may be right in thinking she thought you hung up on purpose and is trying to give you space. I'm not sure. Either way it can't hurt to give it a few days to decide whether you will call back? It can be really good to have that last few sessions of therapy to wrap up and review what you've worked on so you can get that closure. I know you're feeling pretty done with therapy and it's totally your choice what you do, as long as you're doing it for reasons which are right for you. Don't be sorry for posting you don't have anything to be sorry for

[MB95]

Thanks guys. I don't think I will go back cause I don't see any point and don't know I'll be here anyway. I think it's management too. And I understand it's not her fault but it hurts and I'm so angry at her for promising me she wasn't going anywhere. Well, more angry at myself for stupidly believing her. I just think she could have handled it better too and not thrown it all at me at once. I thought she knew me but clearly not. Anyway. Thanks for the support and listening. I do really appreciate it. I think I just want to be on my own for a while cause I can't think straight and am trying so hard not to act something. I just got to the beach and am going to just walk it for a few hours and see if that helps. Thankyou again for listening. I'm just so grateful you guys exist! Please don't worry about me. And if I don't reply for a few days it's probably because I've gone away and where I'm planning to go won't have reception so yeah. Thankyou again and I'm really sorry for my post. 

[Lost_Space_Explorer5]

What do you mean you don't think you'll be here anyway @MB95? I'm getting a few mixed signals here.. I'm wondering what you're wanting to tell us? Is there something you need right now? I agree about her promising not to go anywhere... Health professionals shouldn't do that, because they can't promise that. How was your walk along the beach? Hm.. you're going somewhere without reception for a few days... Is anyone going to be around as an extra safety factor? Please stop saying you're sorry, you don't have to be. Thanks for being so honest with us today. We really care about you

[TOM-RO]

@MB95 I recognize that you are going through some big changes right now that may have shaken your world.  I get that there is a sense of unfairness as you have expressed that you have been misled by someone you trusted.  We are concerned about you as you matter to us.  I hope that you are aware of this.  What supports/connections do you have in place outside of this forum that can be with you during the next few days?  It sounds like you might be quite isolated at the moment.  Do you think you'll be safe tonight?

[MB95]

I don't have any other supports here. Like I have a couple uni friends but they don't know anything and I wouldn't tell them either. I really don't know what I need right now. I think I just really need a friend or someone to talk to. But then I also just want to be alone. Idk. I'm really sorry guys. I'm just a bit unsure and all over the place. I just got home from the beach. I sat on the cliffs just thinking and writing and trying to look at things from my psychs perspective. I was kind of hoping she'd at least emailed after our call but I checked just before and nothing. Idk. It just made me feel worse. Like she really doesn't care. Just threw all this at me about my back up psych and then cutting stuff with her and suggesting referrals and DBT and then just left me. I'm just really hurting and don't have anyone to talk to besides you guys and even then I'm limited with what I can say. Idk. I'm home and I'm safe. I think I'm just gonna hang out on here for a bit and see how everyone else is going cause I know it's not the end of the world. Feels like it, but I know it's not! And I'm thinking of going camping @Lost_Space_Explorer5. So that's why I won't have reception. And no, I'd be on my own but it's all good! Thanks for being there when I just really needed someone today. I truly am grateful. 

[TOM-RO]

Hey @MB95, Thanks for letting us know that you're safe and at home right now it sounds like the beach gave you a really lovely opportunity to take some time to think about things on your own, which I am really glad to hear. I do totally understand why you'd be feeling hurt about your psych not reaching out after your phone call, and I am sure that after feeling a bit isolated by the news about reducing your sessions, that made things feel a bit worse. You mentioned that you just want someone to talk to, and I know sometimes we can't share everything on ReachOut, but we are always here to listen as much as possible. I was actually wondering if it might be better to camp somewhere that does have reception, just in case you're feeling a bit down or lonely you can always log on and have a chat here with us  

[Lost_Space_Explorer5]

It's okay @MB95 I'm just being overprotective of you cause I'm so worried I'm sorry I do trust you to keep yourself safe it's just hard because you don't seem to have a safety net to catch you at the moment and I can't catch you because I'm limited as to what I can do on here. I suppose that's good for me to have those boundaries but it would be so good if I knew there was someone there to catch you outside of RO because I would be so sad if something happened.. All those times you guys have saved me I don't like the idea of you sitting with your thoughts right now 😭 And I don't much like the idea of you going AWOL camping on your own right now either haha.., when so much is going on for you. But.. I have to let you make your own choices and keep yourself safe or reach out to someone who can help if you can't, and trust you with that so this is on me to try and not get too worried.. Can we make a safety plan on here together so I know you'll be safe or is that too pushy of me? *sigh*

[Eden1717]

@MB95  sorry you have had such a bad day/while lately i can totally understand where you are coming from feeling let down with supports and it is horrible that that has happened but maybe this is a good time to think about expanding your support system (i dont mean literally right now obviously give it some time for the initial sting to wear off) but i guess it is something to think about. camping sounds like it could be a good way to clear your head and ground yourself a bit. nature can be very healing. but it really does suck when supports leave or change the plan without seeing if that works for you or not and your feelings are valid. did you see anything cool at the beach when you went?   

[MB95]

Yeah the beach was nice I guess @TOM-RO. I think in a way it helped. I'm sorry the idea of it upset you @Lost_Space_Explorer5. And I know it might sound stupid, and I'm not really sure how to put it into words. But in a way it forced me to stay strong and fight my thoughts. Like kinda made me realise how alone I actually am and that I need to rely on myself if I'm going to find a way out? Idk. **TW** That's not the way I want to go anyway. I have other things planned before that cause I'd be scared it wouldn't work so I was more scared of landing myself in hospital if I was to act. So yeah. Idk. Sitting there enraged my anger cause of where I let myself get to today but it enraged it in a way that I'm so angry at my psych and everyone that I want to push them all away anyway and prove to them I don't need them anyway. Like I feel like if I act on my thoughts then they win. Whereas if I fight then they lose because it proves I don't need them. Idk if that makes any sense. I so badly just want to give up and it's hard not to just throw it in but I PROMISE I am fighting okay Lost. So PLEASE don't worry about me!! I'll sort myself out, it's just going to take some time I think. You have my word when I say I'm safe tonight so please don't be up worrying about me. I am home and my housemates are here. I would never act on things while people are around because I could never put someone in that position. So I promise I'm safe. Please believe me and do not worry okay? You have enough to worry about!! And if this is too much, PLEASE do not reply. I would much rather you took care of yourself okay? I really don't want to be responsible for making you feel worse. So promise me you'll stop replying if it's too much and put yourself first?! I will be okay. As for camping, who knows where I'll end up! I just need to get away for a few days. I won't go anywhere too crazy - just need somewhere I can be alone to sort my head and shut the world out. 

Wanting to make a safety plan is not too pushy. I get you are coming from a good place so it's okay. If it's going to help ease your worries I'm happy to try. I might need a bit of guidance though cause I'm kind of just a big blob of numbness atm. 

I get what you mean about expanding my supports @Eden1717. I think this has woken me up to how much I was relying on my psych for support. And I know it's not fair on her, I get it, but ugh nevermind. It's too hard to explain. But I think I know where you're coming from. It won't be a problem anymore. I've learnt yet again not to trust and open up to people so I think I'm safe now. If I just stick to myself then it avoids all this bullshit! I actually did see something cool at the beach.. when I was walking along I almost stepped on a jellyfish!!