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TW: I hit myself when frustrated

Hey everyone, 

 

I just wanted to write about this as it's been a huge issue for me and wanted to see if anyone else comes from a similar place in regards to this issue.

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I have this idea that I need to portray perfection and always be on top of everything, so when I mess up in the slightest, I get so so mad at myself and fall into the trap of thinking I'm worthless, a complete idiot, a total waste of space, and so on and so forth.

 

To deal with my frustrations, I will often hit myself as a sort of 'self-punishment' for being stupid. This happens quite commonly, as I frequently disappoint myself, however, one of the worst 'sessions' was this morning (only in the last hour or so).

 

To offer some context, after a lesson yesterday, myself and a number of other peers hosted our own Zoom conference and we were just mucking around, being funny. I decide to change my name to 'big dick peen 69' which is stupid the more I think about it. Well anyway, it was funny at the time but when we finished the call, I forgot to change my name back. So, when I had an actual class today, my name came up as 'big dick peen 69' in front of my class, and of course in front of my teacher. 

 

I've since offered a genuine apology via email regarding this incident, but I was so mortified by my own idiocy and forgetfulness that, after class, I took my lunch break and spent that (plus more time) just hitting my head over and over again, I was using object as well. All the while, I called myself a number of names over and over again to remind myself that I'm 'a f*cking idiot', or 'a complete f*ckwit', and so on. 

 

Because I have this idea that I must be perfect and present myself as such at all times, it hits me really hard (literally) when I make a mistake. I'm normally a confident person but if ever I feel I've jeopardized my image or relationship with someone - especially a teacher - then I feel as though I'm a complete failure and a total idiot.

~~~

That was all I had to say regarding this issue. Does anyone have any similar issues or ways I can overcome this? I don't want it to get to the point where I cause my body damage. Anything you have would be a huge help.

 

Thank you,

 

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Re: TW: I hit myself when frustrated

Hey @justbellaforshort 

 

I just wanted to check in and see how you are feeling. It sounds like yesterday was tough. I think you are right when you say that what you had done was a joke, its always hard when you embarrass yourself but we are only human, its important to remember that and show yourself a little bit of self compassion. Also people forget pretty quickly as a new days brings a new thing for people to talk about. 

 

I know you spoke about hitting yourself, have you spoken to anyone about this before?

We do have this thread that has a whole heap of strategies 

 

I just wanted to make sure you are not physically unsafe right now?

 

I had to edit your post as it might be triggering for others, you can see our community guidelines here

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Re: TW: I hit myself when frustrated

Hi @Claire-RO 

 

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it the reassurance and you're right - I forget that a new day brings new happenings sometimes. I think it's just me overthinking about negative situations I face ;-;

 

I've heard a little bit about needing to be more compassionate towards myself and I'm slowly becoming more comfortable with the idea. As of yet, I haven't told anyone I know like family or friends - I've just reached out to forums, only bringing up the issue for the first time today. I've cooled down since and am safe right now. Thank you for adding the link to strategies to help, and thank you for directing me to the community guidelines. I apologise for breaching them - I'll be sure to read them thoroughly before posting anything next time.

 

Thank you,

Bella

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Re: TW: I hit myself when frustrated

Hi @justbellaforshort, thanks for sharing all of this with our community. It sounds like it was a really massive step for you given that you have not talked to anyone else about this. Making mistakes can be a really tough thing for anyone to face. It can be easy to fall into that pattern of negative self talk and criticism. As apart of being compassionate to yourself.. some people find it helpful to think about what they would say to a friend who was in their position. Do you think that would work for you? Heart

 

If you wanted to find out more about self-harm, we have some articles and apps here  Sometimes it can be helpful to talk about this with a professional. Talking face to face can be quite intimidating but there are a list of helplines you can contact if you need immediate support. They include (but are not limited to): Kids Helpline, Lifeline, eHeadspace and Beyond Blue. Have you ever thought of contacting a helpline? Smiley Happy

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Re: TW: I hit myself when frustrated

Hey @Taylor-RO 

 

Thank you so much for the reply, I really appreciate your compassion and openness surrounding this issue. I thought you had a really good idea, to try and think of how I would treat this issue if a friend was subject to it. I will try and think that way in the future - I've also heard I could try stopping and just taking a second to breathe; think a little and react logically rather than emotionally. 

 

I've thought about calling a helpline but I worry that my location could be tracked or that they may send emergency services - I'm never in that much danger and wouldn't want to waste the time of paramedics. It helps me most to just talk things out, and you and @Claire-RO have been just lovely, so thank you.

 

I appreciate you linking the articles and apps too - I will check them out.

 

All the best Smiley Happy

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Re: TW: I hit myself when frustrated

Hi @justbellaforshort,

You are most welcome - I am glad that you are finding these suggestions really supportive! What you mentioned could also be helpful and the only way you will know is by giving it a shot. People find different things helpful - that is what makes us unique Smiley Happy You could also try and think about what some of your warning signs might be. For example, before you hurt yourself, you might notice that you are thinking XYZ about yourself or you are pacing around the house. Recognising these early warning signs may give you the chance to lower your distress before it reaches that unbearable point. It can help to have a list of ways to lower your distress as it can be hard to think on the spot when you are distressed.

It is great that you find talking helpful - we will be here to listen and support you in whatever way we can. Every helpline is different so it is best to raise this issue with them at the beginning of the call before sharing any particular information about yourself. The helplines I listed also have web chat too, in case you felt more comfortable using that Heart