TW I really really hate myself

[xXLexi_Lou122Xx]

It’s okay @Bananatime04. Sorry, I had a check in with my leader just now.

I know that you are struggling, but you aren’t a waste of time. Not now, not ever. That’s why I try to help you. I don’t see supporting you as a chore. I do it because you are my very best friend. Friends are there when you need them. Thats what a good friend does, I won’t ever leave you alone when you need someone.

I will always be here for you ❤️
Don’t forget that.

I promise you, you can recover. Make small steps, and take it hour by hour. Even minute by minute.
Make small goals to get through today. You can do this, okay? ❤️

[Bananatime04]

Thanks @TOM-RO @xXLexi_Lou122Xx

I’m not sure that I should talk right now.. I should talk once my support services/support people have increased because I can’t start somewhere that’s not going to get to my goal. I need help. Professional help. Therapy.

I don’t feel better, but I’m not in a crisis right now. I should be doing school work but I am not mentally okay to sit and concentrate on a piece of paper.

For example, I’ve gotten so bad that my nails went from very long to umm they can’t go any shorter. I’ve never actually done that before.

[Bananatime04]

And I just found out there was another death

[Tiny_leaf]

I'm so sorry @Bananatime04 

[Bananatime04]

@Tiny_leaf it’s fine
I guess I can’t really control it so I just have to sit back and wait 😕

[Janine-RO]

Hey @Bananatime04 , 

I think you are showing a lot of self-awareness about needing to have some more professional supports in place. We're also here to support you through that process, but you're right, we can't give clinical support or therapy here. Have you spoken to your mum about getting set up with a new psychologist?  How are you going settling into your new place? 

[Bananatime04]

@Janine-RO thank you I just called khl again and my counsellor will call me in 30 minutes.

I am not speaking to my mum, she gets too nosy and wants to know everything which I HATE. I like to work on my mental health with people that I don’t have to see a lot so that I don’t have to fear changing the way people see me, and always thinking of my problems when I see those people. I’m at home all the time and always with my Mum so she’s the last person I want to talk to. Plus the way she reacts is.. horrible.

I’m going to see the counsellor at school but my mum has to sign a form, which is fine. If I ask for more support people then she will probably yell at me and say I’m wanting attention.

The new place is fine. It’s very hot here but it’s tiny.

How are you? And how has your 4 (that felt like 2 years again) days off been?

[Bananatime04]

Fuck my life 😭

[Janine-RO]

@Bananatime04  I was just coming to reply to your post from earlier, and saw this - what's going on? Were you able to speak to  your KHL counsellor? 

[Whimer]

Hey @Bananatime04 

I've been thinking of you! Sorry if I haven't been active for a while....  I myself have been struggling quite a bit with depression and sleeping problems so I might not be able to log onto the forum every day.

Just wanting to let you know that I resonate so well with what you've said regarding not wanting to work on mental health problems with people who know you well - I never talk to people close to me about my mental struggles. When I talk to KHL, I usually talk to a different person each time. And I don't have a regular GP either, I'll just talk to a different person each time. It makes me feel better knowing that people would never judge me on how I behaved previously.

Plus, I would never tell my parents anything about my depression or any other mental health problems... sometimes being in a family can mean less respect from those closest to me. I know very clearly that I couldn't change the way my parents think or behave towards me. I guess the most important thing for me is to know that my parents are not me, no matter how close our relationship has been, and it's totally normal for them to not agree with me on most of the things... and that's okay.

I hope you're well, and I'm happy to chat with you regarding anything