TW I really really hate myself

[Bananatime04]

@Whimer @Janine-RO yes, she called me and said she had some bad news and I guessed it straight away. I have been dreading this conversation, every time I contact her. She’s leaving. I’m no longer becoming a kids helpline counsellor. I’m absolutely a mess. I can’t stop crying, I just spent 20 minutes crying in my mums arms. I want to die but I’ve made my promise to myself. Meeting her was my number one reason to live, instead I’ve decided I’m going to live for her. She obviously won’t know if anything happened but I want to make her proud, even if she doesn’t know how I am going. This is the most heart broken I’ve been. I’ve never had a closer relationship, never felt so open and honest, never felt such a desire to live and achieve when I talk to her.

This isn’t the only news. I’m getting a new puppy and she’s a pug. I’m getting her on the 14th of June and Mum let me name her after my counsellor, Macy. Macy is no longer apart of kids helpline or available to new clients so I feel it is appropriate to share. Macy will be very special to me.

My last sessions with Macy are this Friday and next Friday nights. I was so sad and I can’t stop crying (I’m literally dripping water out of my nose I’m crying so much) but I was happy to hear how honoured she was to chat with me over 2 year and she said I was the first person she told and also the longest client she had. I just wish I could meet her.

Just as I was talking about increasing my supports, my only, my best, my thing I looked forward to every week is gone.

I’m struggling more than ever right now but I know you guys are with me and I appreciate you so much. Thank you for everything you guys do for me. Seriously I can’t express the impact my supports have on me. I love you guys. All of you.

And thank you for sharing that Whimer, I really really am thankful. I might try that, talking to a different person each time so I don’t get attached but I just find it helpful not having to repeat myself and building a relationship gives me a higher sense of them caring and gives me a reason to want to live.

Thank you so much

[Janine-RO]

I'm so sorry to hear that @Bananatime04 , it sounds like the two of you had a really special connection, and it can be so hard to say goodbye to people like that. It sounds like she's been a really huge part of your life, and I'm sure she would be really proud on how far you have come in the last 2 years. 

I really love the idea of you naming your puppy after her! It sounds like a really nice tribute, and I'm sure she'll be really touched. 

We are all here for you, and though it may not feel like it now, I'm sure that you will be able to carry the skills that she's helped you learn through to the next counsellor you speak to. I'm always blown away by the level of honesty and insight that you show here. Are KHL going to line you up with a new counsellor? 

Thinking of you and sending you hugs. 

[Bananatime04]

@Janine-RO she was honestly the person in my life that meant to most to me I’m going to miss her so much and it’s so sad knowing I only have 2 hours of talking with her left. I’m going to write a little thank you letter to read before I go

I haven’t told her about my pug yet.. my mum told me when I hung up.
She’s finding me a new counsellor and I got to put in a few preferences which was very helpful. I also made a suicide plan that I was just having as comfort when I told her about it then after she told me the news, I felt as if I had an urge to act on it. I’m going to start self harming again. More often, to show my emotional pain to myself. I will not take my life though, I have made that promise to myself

[Janine-RO]

@Bananatime04  I think a letter sounds like a really lovely thing for you to do. 

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling the urge to start self harming again, I know that you've worked really hard in the past to overcome those urges. I think we've talked about alternatives, like holding an ice cube to your skin, or flicking a rubber band, before - do you think you could try to use some of the alternatives instead? I was reading back through the weekend's posts and loved the pictures that you shared of your bullet journal, you're clearly a really creative person - do you think that could be something to focus on over the next few days? 

We're all here for you @Bananatime04 , you've had a lot to deal with especially over the last few months, and you truly do show so much grit and resilience. We all believe in you. 

[Bananatime04]

@Janine-RO I wrote my letter. I tried to make it as short and meaningful as I could.

I still can’t stop crying I will keep the self harm, safe. I will also try some journaling tonight if I stop crying.

Thank you

I told my mum how long I’ve been talking to her and she was very supportive. She also said that she understands why I’m feeling so upset because we have been through a lot over the past few months. She said she let all her emotions out earlier, and said it’s okay for me to be sad. That’s the most supportive my mum has ever been

[Whimer]

Hey @Bananatime04 

So great to hear that your mum’s been supportive

You’ve been through tough times and I’ll just let you know that I believe in you! Please don’t give up as we are all here for you

[Andrea-RO]

I am so sorry to hear about your counsellor leaving KHL, but it sounds like you've been incredibly brave and strong, so you should be very proud of yourself right now. 

It sounds like your mum has been really supportive which is incredibly lovely to hear, and I am so glad to hear that you've been able connect with her about this

[Bananatime04]

Thanks @Whimer and @Andrea-RO
Although I knew the questions would come later.. and they did. She wanted to know the whole story on how I met her, why I contracted her, why I didn’t tell her, what I talked about and why so often. She doesn’t understand, because I constantly hide my feelings from her until they are too hard to control.

I need support. I need help. I was just talking about how I need to increase my supports over the past two days and this happened. It’s like my life is designed to be painful, constantly go wrong and being forced to live it, hurts.

Andrea, have you ever suffered with depression?

[Andrea-RO]

It can be incredibly difficult to be very vulnerable, and so I can totally understand why you're feeling exposed and uncomfortable right now. As gross and yucky as it might feel now sharing our experience with others can help them understand what we are going through, which can in turn help them support you better. 

It can often feel like life hits us with all the bad things at once, but I know that you're an incredibly strong person and you can push through this  

[Bananatime04]

Thank you @Andrea-RO

I’ve just never felt so hopeless I feel like I’ve lost all my hope. There is no way out anymore