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Re: TW I really really hate myself

Hey @Lost_Space_Explorer5 
I just wanted to say, I don’t want you to panic.. Eden1717 has been quite distressed lately and when I was suicidal I was too distressed to be here but I still came to get support. When this happened, ReachOut had to put me on a short ban to keep the community safe and they also work with the user over email so please don’t worry. I don’t think they are dead, I think this has happened but don’t quote me, I don’t know for sure.


Well no I’m not okay I am far from okay because I had a plan and I was determined but I didn’t do anything and I’m safe now. I have to see a doctor and psychiatrist next week so hopefully that goes well.

I am only back because I didn’t realise that I could potentially put other people here through something similar to what Macy is putting me through and I would never wish this upon someone.
Are you okay?

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Re: TW I really really hate myself

Hello @Bananatime04!!!

I'm so glad you're safe. Seeing a good psychiatrist can be life changing, I hope it goes well!! They should be able to help you with a lot of things you've been struggling with.

 

 

Also @Lost_Space_Explorer5 Bannanatime's right. 

I've had people disappear for months and I'd thought the worst, but then they popped back up again to say they'd been doing better.

A common reason for people to disappear is if they're in hospital, and that's happened with Eden1717 before.

I know I can't guarantee anything.. but Eden's been through a lot and survived everything so far. We just have to hope she gets through this as well.

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Re: TW I really really hate myself

Yeah I thought Eden might be in a situation where they can't respond, because I hope to god there was an intervention for them in real life. You're seeing a psychiatrist! That's awesome! Were you seeing one before? You had such little support it was concerning Smiley Sad I'm so glad you're safe now.

I'm doing okay, I've got a new counsellor on KHL which is starting to help, but in a different way because no two people are the same (which I guess is good because we learn new things? but also sad Smiley Sad ) Have you got a new counsellor? I'm starting to be okay with it all now. I kind of just feel warmth towards Macy and wish her the best, but I still have moments of feeling everything all over again when I think on it too much. I hope you get to the point where it starts to feel even a little bit easier ❤
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Re: TW I really really hate myself

Thanks @Tiny_leaf ❤ I'm hoping Eden is okay and just somewhere safe where she can't use her phone right now. Hospitals are so mean like that Smiley Sad I hope you're doing okay too Tiny leaf, you're going through so much from what I've read on your thread but I don't feel I'm much help with the stuff you're going through Smiley Sad I am here though and read through your thread so I'm here in spirit and I'll chime in if I ever have some sage advice like the mod squad and WheresMySquishy Smiley Tongue
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Re: TW I really really hate myself

I am sorry to hear that you are not okay @Bananatime04. It sounds like things have been really difficult for you lately, so it is good to see that you are reaching out to us here on the forums Heart It is also good that you have some upcoming appointments planned with a doctor and psychiatrist next week. Hopefully you find them to be helpful! It is so lovely to see that you have come back and are supporting people straight away. That is very caring of you Heart

I know that things have been difficult for you lately, so I just want to check in with you and ask you how you are feeling tonight?
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Re: TW I really really hate myself

Thanks guys Heart

Well.. my support is very overwhelming for me because it’s too much and I’m trying to tell people that but they won’t listen Smiley Sad I have too many people I don’t know what to do. I did have a new regular khl counsellor but she’s so busy, every time I try contact her she’s busy. I was supposed to talk to her today but I was just really sad. 2 nights ago my mum was screaming at me for over an hour and it was so hurtful, that’s why I broke down when I got to school yesterday.. I couldn’t even go to class. And after it happened, I didn’t sleep at all and people could tell I didn’t sleep and was crying all night and also it was hard for me to stay safe.

The 20th of July is when I see the psychiatrist.. sorry I got that wrong. I see the doctor on Tuesday though and then next Monday (not this Monday) I see the camhs worker again and I hated her so much it was horrible. She fucking sat there laughing the whole time. So all together I have the school counsellor, a girls advisor, rural youth mental health worker, camhs worker, psychiatrist and doctor. And I don’t fucking want any of them except the school counsellor and the rural youth mental health worker. Those 2 were the ones I started off with which was fine and now that I’ve been forced more people I feel so much worse because I’m so overwhelmed I want to die its too much 😣

I would be fine if Macy didn’t leave me Smiley Sad It has put me in so much pain that I literally am hating her right now 😩 how could she do this to me?
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Re: TW I really really hate myself

@Sophia-RO thank you Heart
I feel like absolute dog shit Smiley Sad
How are you?
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Re: TW I really really hate myself

@Bananatime04 it might be worth giving them a go anyway. I know how overwhelming it can be, but I promise that feeling gets better after a while.

 

With the CAMHS person, do you think you could ask them if you can try with another person?

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Re: TW I really really hate myself

Yeah, sometimes too much support is unhelpful and overwhelming. You know what they say, quality over quantity... I'm so sorry to hear your mum was screaming at you Smiley Sad That sounds really upsetting and you didn't deserve it, whatever it was about Smiley Sad Is the rural support worker the one you only saw face to face over video chat recently? Because she sounded nice. I don't understand why your camhs worker was laughing at you.. that's messed up.. Maybe ask to stop seeing her or ask for another person as Tiny Leaf recommended. I've never heard of a girls advisor before, what's that? I'm happy you're seeing a doctor though even though you're being drowned in unhelpful support right now

Hey hey it's okay @Bananatime04.. I hear how much you're hurting right now.. and it's really understandable. She meant a lot to you and it makes so much sense to be feeling so many things, and wishing you could turn back time... Feeling angry is okay, whatever you're feeling is okay. It's our natural response to being hurt so much. Grief is a bit of a roller coaster that throws you around Smiley Sad But know she didn't do this to you, like it was absolutely not personal. I recall her saying that working with people long-term was what made her want to be a psychologist because at KHL she often didn't hear back from people who called up. So in a way her long-term clients inspired her? I doubt she'll ever forget you and you must have meant a lot to her for her to want to be involved in longer-term support from it. She said she wished she could take her KHL clients with her.. She was really upset that she had to leave and that leaving to do a new thing also meant leaving her clients Smiley Sad I heard it in her voice Smiley Sad She did care 100%.
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Re: TW I really really hate myself

@Tiny_leaf no she’s the only camhs worker that comes to my town.. she comes every 2 weeks.

I don’t want a feeding tube and I don’t want to be sent to a psych ward. My mum threatened to send me to a psych ward. She also said some horrible things about my eating/the way I look but I don’t want to be triggering so just to be safe, I will just say I was emotionally and verbally.. hurt.

She genuinely believes that I’m attention seeking and that I’m making everything up. But I’m not Smiley Sad every time I opened up about something, she’s like “no that’s not it tell me what’s fucking wrong with you and stop lying”. Yea she said a lot of stuff like that and my step dad just fucking sat there while I cried to the point where I couldn’t breathe (you know when you’re crying and can’t breathe in properly? Yea that was me) and I was shaking so severely out of fear.