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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling scared and that you have been breaking down at school lately @Bananatime04. It's no good that you have an urge to run away each night. Would you like to share why it is that you are feeling that way? Heart

Hello @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, thanks for sharing with us! Sometimes it can be really difficult to keep on top of our emotions when we are always helping people out! I agree with Lost_Space_Explorer5 that you defintiely deserve to be helped too! It can be really hard to help people when we need our own help! Sounds like you have an awesome night planned out! I used to love sleep overs when I was younger Smiley Happy What movies will you be watching tonight? I think a letter is a really awesome idea, that way you can get down all of your thoughts on paper when you pass it over.
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@Sophia-RO all good.
I know I can share a little bit of what I've been feeling here, but I still don't share my thoughts...

I still don't believe that I deserve help...

haha, yeah. I haven't had a sleepover in forever!
We're just watching some sailor moon, seeing as I've never seen it before.

yeah. Hopefully I can pass it on to ho needs to read it...
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Awh I was hoping it'd be a fire camp... @xXLexi_Lou122Xx.. But art, drama and music sound hella fun also! Will you send us any of the stuff you make?

 

Yup they're the best hoodies! Oh god those 'oodies' are always being advertised on instagram lol oh no they've gotten to you too! Smiley Tongue The oodies are taking over! Smiley Tongue I haven't seen sailor moon either, what's it about?

 

You do deserve help! If you reason things like a true philosopher! Smiley Tongue

 

argument-map-example-sm.pngSo...
1. Every person deserves help
2. If you are a person, you deserve help
3. You deserve help

 

Gotcha! Smiley Very Happy

 

I'm being a bit silly tonight sorry Smiley Tongue

 

But yes, you do deserve help! You do deserve to feel better!

 

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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

I did a half semester taster course for philosophy in first year uni, didn't do any further study on philosophy- does it show? Smiley Tongue My sense of humour is really weird sometimes- I can tone it down if you like Smiley Very Happy
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Haha @lost_Space_Explorer5 lol!
Yeah, i love ding those sorts of things, But I haven't been able to do them all in one place! So I'm going to do that camp, which should be good. Smiley Happy

With the hoodie, I got a small packet of lollies, and a note fro the leaders too! The note said that the leaders were looking forward to seeing me at the camp, and that they hope I received the camp essential okay. I love that they said camp essentials, because it was only a bag of lollies and the hoodie! Smiley Tongue

The camp is called Winter S.M.A.D.D., and those letter stand for Song, Music, Art, Dance, and Drama. Its going to be awesome, even though it would be a lot better at the actual venue for the week... Smiley Happy
I can definitely post some pics of some stuff I make! I'm just not sure how much art there will be, because there's one day for each elective. Smiley Happy

Okay, I'll see if I can write that letter soon.

Its all good, I tend to feel silly sometimes as well.

Haha, its a good explanation!
I did a semester of philosophy last semester, but its compulsory, so I didn't get a choice. Its a good subject though! I might do it next year, when I choose my subjects... Smiley Happy

You don't have to tone anything down, but you might be getting a bit overexcited there! Smiley Tongue
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

SMADD. Nice. Smiley Tongue

How're you guys gonna do dancing over zoom? Lol! Yup lollies and an oversized hoodie is all you will ever need in life Smiley Happy Looking forward to seeing your art! Woah you did philosophy in school!! Wow! I didn't even know schools could offer that, that's so cool!

Hey!! I wasn't getting overexcited Smiley Sad

.... Smiley Tongue

How are you going today? How was the sleep over? Did you get any sleep..?
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Haha, yeah! It’s really good!


I don’t actually know... maybe they’ll just do a ‘Just Dance’ kind of thing, and play that, while we dance our best to those moves? Idk... Smiley Tongue
It will be cool though, I can’t wait to get started with it!

YES! Oversized hoodies and lollies are the necessities of life! Smiley Wink Smiley Tongue

Yeah, philosophy was good, and I’m glad I did it too! It has perks for all subjects, but I think its only some schools that do it... My school is an independent public school, and a lot of public schools don’t do it. My last school didn’t, that’s for sure!

Hehe... Smiley Tongue

I’m still not the best physically or mentally, mainly because even the smallest thing I do wrong, makes me feel horrible about myself. And I don’t get in trouble or anything for the small mistakes, but its me that makes it seem like a punishment...

The sleepover was okay, but my house is just a bit boring... Even though it was good to be a little bit bored!

I did get some sleep, I was up until midnight, which I rarely do, and was in a deep sleep by 12:30. Smiley Happy
My friend has gone home now, but I’m glad I could finally see her after so long. Smiley Happy

I just wish I could feel okay again...
I want to call a leader, but I’ve already spoken to one yesterday. Although, I could call my other one. She might be available now...

I guess my feelings are getting to the point where I am drawing some pretty bad things. Things like suicide and self-harm, basically my worse form of self-harm drawing, instead of my writing on my wrists.

The other thing is, that I’m now writing on myself in different places. My thighs, my wrists, and even down the side of my calves... I think I’m getting worse...
I am safe still, but my mental state is not very good at all...

Tonight, all of my siblings and I are sleeping in the lounge room, but I still can’t feel like I’m okay...
My parents are out at a dinner with some of their church friends, and won’t be back for a while. So we are surprising them with our sleeping arrangements, hopefully they don’t get mad at us...
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, I am sorry that you are feeling horrible and judgemental towards yourself. Sitting with those feelings can be really difficult, especially if you are already not feeling okay. It must really hurt to feel as though you are punishing yourself for small mistakes that you make. Does it help to think of what you would say to a friend if they made the same mistake as you? 

 

I can tell that tonight is tough and that you are struggling. Calling one of your leaders sounds like a good idea - I don't know them but it seems like they really care about you and wouldn't mind talking to you if it meant that you ended your night feeling a little better/less alone Heart It also sounds like you try to make a lot of fun with your siblings which is really sweet. I also hope your parents don't mind!

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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hehe just dance Smiley Very Happy

It sounds like you're your own worst enemy there with how you describe beating yourself up over tiny mistakes Smiley Sad I've found that asking myself what would I say to a friend in my situation helps me when I get like that. Have you tried this before?

I don't know if you would be interested but I've also heard of this thing where you imagine your younger self is there with you and you ask yourself whether you would say all the horrible things you're telling yourself now. Like consider if you would say this to you as a CHILD. When I tried this, I was imagining a past event that happened for little me which was quite a bad memory. I was willing to be quite mean to child me, initially telling her she deserved it. But then I imagined little Lost_Space_Explorer5's reaction to what I was saying and she was just crying and getting even more upset and I started to feel bad. So I tried imagining I gave little me a hug and tried to cheer her up and I felt a little better. I sort of 'rewrote' the bad memory I had using this strategy. I think it was called "imagery re-scripting" or something

Anyway that was a bit of a tangent but idk maybe you would find this helpful? What do you think?

Ooh midnight! You two were up at witching hour! Smiley Tongue hehe

Did you end up calling your leader?

Oh @xXLexi_Lou122Xx.. Smiley Sad From what you've said about the drawing I can hear you're in a lot of pain Smiley Sad It sounds like things are 'progressing' further because you've moved to drawing things not just on your wrists? Is that right? While I'm glad to hear you're safe, I assume you know this, but our brains are a bit sneaky like this. e.g. first it's only a 'safe' thing like drawing pictures of you getting hurt. But then your mind can get desensitised to that in a way I guess so you have to keep doing more and more. I guess what I'm saying is just.. be careful Smiley Sad Perhaps you should go against these urges and try more helpful coping strategies? I get how they're your way of coping right now, and you sound like you're feeling so isolated at the moment but yeah.. just watch out that things don't keep getting worse, okay? Smiley Sad You know how sometimes people will start out saying they would never hurt themselves, and then they start doing something small and then something bigger and bigger and.. I don't want that to happen, I want you to be safe Smiley Sad Okay?

Hehe they might be a little unsettled by you all sleeping in the lounge room lol Smiley Tongue Keep us updated on how that goes down! Haha
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@Taylor-RO yeah... Its not very easy right now...

Well... it depends on what you mean by 'the same mistake'. Do you mean the beating myself up BECAUSE of the mistake, or just making a small mistake in general?

I haven't really been able to think of it like that. I can, but I also get the guilty feeling of being selfish, if I think about how I would tell a friend what I would d in that situation... If that makes sense? I can't quite word it properly...

I wanted to call my leader, but she's probably asleep by now... I texted her a little while ago, asking if she was available, but I haven't gotten a response... I'll just cope with my sadness as it is right now... even if it means drawing/writing on myself or on paper...

Haha, yeah. My parents don't mind, and the youngest 2 kids are asleep. My youngest sister was crying a bit, so I took her to my mum's room, and cuddled her for a bit, then she went and got a drink and went back to her make-shift bed in the lounge room. Now they're both asleep, and my other to siblings and I are staying up for a bit longer until my parents come home.

I don't know why, but I feel really sad right now... my leader didn't respond to me, and I'm literally about to go and get my black permanent marker to write things on my body...
As if it wasn't hard enough to get the marker off my body in the first place...