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TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hi everyone

I guess I’m just feeling like I don’t trust anyone irl. I have been this way since year 4, which was about 5 years ago. I’ve been backstabbed by so many friends in the past, and youth leaders at my old youth group. Those leaders were actually my mentors, and I haven’t healed from that at all, despite never being able to see them again. I forgave them, but it still hurts, to know that I have been so reluctant to get support from anyone, including make friends and talk to my current youth leaders. 

 

Even in this time of trouble, I don’t want to bother my leaders with a call, because I feel like I’m wasting their time. It’s all because of those people in my past, making me an introvert and an outcast in my life. 

 

It hurts, because I just want to be supported by my rl supports. But I feel like a burden to them, making me decide to just go it alone. I feel so alone, all the time. I feel so much self-hate for myself, and I keep telling myself that I am the things I tell myself. Even the slightest mistake I make will trigger my negative thoughts. Even the smallest telling off or rude/angry tone will trigger it. My parents don’t know this, and neither does my family. I want to tell them, but I feel like they shouldn’t know.

 

I just want to feel loved, supported, and like I’m not alone. 

 

My leaders always tell me that I’m not the things I tell myself, but I can’t believe them. And one of them, always tells me firmly what I am, but maybe I just want to be heard, and given gentle input. And for them to just let me cry. To just let me be who I feel like I am. But no, they have to be all tough on me, and make me feel like I am all those things I tell myself without meaning to make me feel that way.

 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m hurt, I’m still hurting, and this huge process of recovering from this huge 5 year long period of self-hate is making everything hurt a whole lot more. Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, and Spiritually. And that I don’t feel cared for by mr rl supports and family..

 

Helplines do not help, so do not suggest them to me. 

 

 

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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, thanks for sharing and being so vulnerable on this post. It is okay to be hurt and it is great that you recognise that you are going through that process. You have been through a lot over the last few years to get to this point of self-hate and isolation. I can tell how hard it has been for you to battle through this. It sounds like you are feeling quite disconnected from the supports in your life.. but you also mention choosing to go it alone. That sounds quite conflicting and I imagine it must leaving you feeling a bit stuck. Do the people in your life know that you need their support? Heart

 

It seems like you have an idea of what is helpful when you are seeking support. You mentioned that your supports can make you feel negatively without meaning to. That must be really upsetting to have to experience that with your supports Smiley Sad Have you ever talked to them about how they can best support you? It can be so hard to do and might sound silly but everyone is different and has different needs. They might not be aware of how their support can negatively impact you. 

 

We also have articles on self-talk, I am not sure if you have seen these before. This is someone's personal experience and this is full of tips. The last one has a list of challenging questions that helps to break down negative thoughts. It can definitely be hard work but you are not alone - everyone has been through this at some point in their life. Working on your thoughts means that when they do pop up, you can pull yourself up before it spirals Heart

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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hey @Taylor-RO
Thats what ReachOut is here for! Smiley Happy

Yeah... My supports have been a bit better than the backstabber mentors I had, but only one of them is able to make me feel better the most. But only one. Which is disappointing...

My family don’t know that I need it, I completely put on a mask to them. Only my leaders know, and I hate to bother them. I only tried to get help before iso life, because I was there in front of them..

I could talk to them about it, but I’d have to feel really okay with bothering them at all...

I haven’t read the articles yet, but I’ve been recommended some already. I’ll look at those ones too, soon.

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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Today kind of ended a little badly...
I had a seizure, and my hands are still shaking a little bit.

I promise it's normal for me, but I haven't had one in a while..
My family are in the lounge room, and I'm just laying on my bed. My phone is next to me, so I can text them if I need them.

It can be a bit scary, especially because I hate having them. But I have to live with it being a symptom of my episodes. So I'm feeling a bit sad and depressed now, because of it, and my negative thoughts this afternoon.

*Sigh*

My life is going so great right now. *eye roll*
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Morning @xXLexi_Lou122Xx I just wanted to check in with you, this weekend sounded really hard for you. How are you feeling after the seizure? I can imagine that would be pretty unsettling if you haven't had one for awhile. 

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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@Bre-RO
I'm doing okay, but my thoughts have been pretty bad. I'm now seeing all the bad things I think of myself l, written on my body in drippy red writing. It's not there irl, but I can see it there like scars...

I'm okay after that, but I hate the dreams I get from them afterwards. I'm okay though, which is all that matters.

I'm just cleaning my room, so that the pest control dude can do his job. Even if my parents keep yelling at me to get it done. Just because I haven't done it yet, doesn't mean I need to be yelled at.

Them yelling at me, has made me relapse into writing my bad thoughts on my body, where they can't see it. I've even started listening to paralysed again. And it's not good for me, but I can't help it.

I'll be okay though. I just can't let anyone else know how I feel.
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hi @xXLexi_Lou122Xx , those thoughts sounds pretty hard to sit with, I'm really sorry that you're in that place at the moment. Sometimes we can be so much harder on ourselves than we ever would be to our friends or family, and I know it took me a really long time to try and be as kind towards myself as I try to be to other people in my life. 

 

Do you think you could reward yourself with something nice this afternoon, once you've finished tidying your room? Are you working on any art at the moment, or could you take a walk in the sun somewhere and listen to music, or a podcast? 

 

Sending you lots of virtual hugs. You're so kind and caring to everyone on here, and I hope you can turn even a little bit of that wonderful compassion towards yourself, because you really do deserve it. 

 

 

 Virtual Hug GIF Image for Whatsapp and Facebook (11) » GIF Images ...

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Check out our community activities calendar for April 2020 here
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@Janine-RO yeah.. But I'm used to everything happening like that. I just wish I didn't relapse..

I don't think I'll have time.. I haven't finished my room yet, and I still have about a weeks worth of school work to catch up on. School is easier when you're face to face with the teacher, instead of being your own teacher and student.

I will in the future, but now is not my time to love myself like I love others..

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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@xXLexi_Lou122Xx  it's really normal to have little speed bumps like that - sometimes what can feel like a relapse is just a small bump in the road, so be kind to yourself as much as possible Heart 

 

I hear you with school being much harder when you're learning from home, I know my eldest kid is finding it pretty tough going at times. I just thought I'd share these resources in case you find any of them useful, ReachOut developed a bunch of things for people who are finding it tough studying during coronavirus here 

 

I saw on another thread that you're meeting up with a friend I think? I hope you have a lovely afternoon, so glad to hear you can do something nice today. You deserve it Smiley Happy 

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Check out our community activities calendar for April 2020 here
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@Janine-RO I know.. But I’ve definitely relapsed..
I’ve gone to far with writing things down. I used to write the lyrics to a song that I have on repeat atm on my arm, but now I’m writing all the bad things I think of myself. Which is worse, but it’s now what I’m doing without thinking. And it hurts.

Yeah, and I’m a very face-to-face person, despite being an introvert. I’m sorry that your eldest has to deal with it too though. Thanks for the links, I’ll look at them later. Smiley Happy

I did go for a walk with my special person, Nikki (Name edited already), and we just chatted about what iso life has been throwing at us, and stories of past things before iso. It was good, and I’m glad that I got to finally chat with her in person again. I haven’t been out of the house/property for about a month and a half now.

I still feel really bad though. As much as I mentioned how I was feeling to Nikki a little bit, I didn’t tell her all of how I was feeling. I knew what she would’ve said anyway, but it hurts to know that I still can’t ask for help when I need it, from my rl supports. I just feel like a burden to every one, and it’s not even true. I know I’m not a burden, but I still feel like one, and I believe I am one.

Kind of like I know that what I tell myself are lies, but I believe them. It’s weird, but I believe the lies that I know aren’t true. It seems illogical to me, to believe that, but I do. And I wish I didn’t believe them. But I do.

*Sigh*