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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx

 

I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling a bit more with negative thoughts recently. You've mentioned a couple of times that you sometimes will write down the bad things you think of yourself, or write song lyrics. Do you find that doing this helps you process how you're feeling? I know that a lot of people can find it helpful to write out their emotions, so maybe it's something that you can think of as a positive coping mechanism Heart

 

I am very glad to hear that you were able to speak with your special person, and have a chat about life, and what's going on with things at the moment. It's clear that they care a lot about you, and I am sure they don't see you as a burden. Heart Heart

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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hey @Andrea-RO
Yeah..

I tend to write those bad things on myself, which has been pretty bad in the past. I basically became addicted to doing it, as a person would get addicted to SH. I have now relapsed into doing it, so I don't exactly see it as positive. It's kinda the same to my SH drawings. I don't want to draw them, but my hands just do. But now, it's gone back to writing things on myself. In Permanent Marker. Over and over again...

Yeah, I'm glad too. I know it's clear that I'm not a burden, but it kinda feels that way anyway. Even here, its been only Mods and Admin that have replied. Not even any other members of the community. Not even the people who I'm closest with on these forums. I know, I'm better off tagging them, but I don't want them to feel pressured to help me. It's just my nature to let people help by choice, instead of me asking for it.

I am a burden here, even if you all think otherwise. It's just how I feel about myself. There's nothing that can change that. Not even looking on my thread of positives. No one has really put anything there in a month either. Smiley Indifferent

But anyways, Yes, I am very happy that I got to see her again, and go for a walk with her. It really made me feel human again, despite me loving being at home because I'm an introvert. Smiley Happy
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, sounds like things have been really intense lately. I'm really sorry you've been hurt so much by people in your life ☹️

 

The seizure sounds quite scary and unsettling, are you feeling ok now?

 

It shows a lot of maturity and insight acknowledging that some of the ways you've been managing your emotions aren't good for you. It sounds like a really tough space to be sitting in not wanting to do it but not feeling able to stop.

 

Something I've found helpful when I've been struggling with negative impacts of unhealthy coping mechanisms was writing a pros and cons list of what I got out of the behaviour. This helped give me an informed opinion on whether I thought I should keep doing it or not. (It sounds like you've maybe already figured this much of for you though, right?) When I'd decide I wanted to stop I found it really difficult too, but something that helped when I was tempted to do it again was rereading the pros/cons list to remind me of my decision, and writing or drawing my reasons for stopping to draw my attention back to that.

 

I also found it really valuable finding other ways of managing those emotions. Is there anything you do or used to do that does make you feel better, or anything you can think of that might help with this?

 

Hope you're feeling a little better ♥️ You're definitely not a burden and I love that you're on these forums. Also I'm so glad that you were able to go for a walk with Nikki and that you had a great time. Also I'm quite enjoying all the time at home as an introvert too haha 🙂

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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Heya @xXLexi_Lou122Xx , I know it might not make any difference to how you're feeling at the moment, but I just wanted to let you know that none of us here see you as a burden. Quite the opposite actually - I see you as someone who often has wisdom beyond her years, is kind, caring and incredibly compassionate, and someone who genuinely cares about other people. 

 

YOU Are Amazing and Strong and Brave and Wonderful Remember THAT ...

 

We're really lucky to have you here. 

 

I'm so glad you were able to have a walk in the sun with your friend! It's amazing how much that human connection and some normal activity means, isn't it. 

 

 

__________

Check out our community activities calendar for April 2020 here
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hi @xXLexi_Lou122Xx! I'm so sorry you had a seizure. Smiley Sad That must have been really scary.
I'm sorry I haven't been on the forums much in the last few days and haven't been able to talk to you much. I felt a bit sick so I decided to just rest.
How are you feeling today?
Here for you. Heart

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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Thank you, everyone. I will reply tomorrow, but right now I have something new.

I was just texted something in a group chat, and it was meant for good reason, but I’m hurt, and now I have urges to physically harm myself. I’ve never had that urge before, and I never will hurt myself on purpose, but I’m thinking about it. I am safe, but I am distressed and very upset about this text.

And atm I’m currently rewriting my thoughts on my wrists in permanent marker, over and over again.

The text was about how I am God’s creation, and the fact that I’m critiquing myself, is telling God that he made a mistake. But I can’t stop thinking of myself in this way. I’m really hurt, and mentally I’m hurting badly.

Why do I have to feel like this? Because it really hurts me! Even physically its hurting me. I’m shaking because of it. And I can’t deal with it right now. I just want to sleep, and get schoolwork done. 😣

I am safe, I’m not in danger, but I feel so upset and distressed.
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Wow, that must have been a hard text for you to read @xXLexi_Lou122Xx. Smiley Sad I can see how they meant well, but it would have made me feel bad about myself too. I personally disagree with it. I think that we are our own worst critic, and it's in our nature to be harsher on ourselves than we would be with other people. I honestly think people who critique themselves tend to be the kindest souls. I don't think God made a mistake in making you and the world is a better place with you in it. Heart

I think writing on yourself is a good alternative to self-harm. There are a lot of other ideas on this thread too. Smiley Happy

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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

I am so sorry that you had to go through that @xXLexi_Lou122Xx

 

I do want to echo what @WheresMySquishy said, unfortunately sometimes those who are close to us can say things wanting to support us, but it can be really unhelpful or hard to hear at the time. How are you feeling right now? I am very glad to hear that you're safe at the moment but it does sound like things are very hard for you right now Heart

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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@WheresMySquishy yeah..
I agree with you that we are our biggest critic, but it does hurt to think that way. Because if you think about it, whatever you say about yourself, you’re telling God what He is. Like how I tell myself to Die all the time, I’m telling Him to die too. But I obviously don’t mean it in that way.

Aww, thank you. ❤️

I kinda mean that writing on myself is actually my self-harm.. I don’t physically hurt myself, but mentally I see harm. Do you get what I mean? It’s a bit hard to explain.. I don’t hurt myself physically, I do it mentally.

I’ll have to re-read that thread again. I haven’t been on it in a while. Smiley Happy
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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx 

 

I can see how this would be a really uncomfortable feeling for you to sit with. It is hard enough feeling bad, but then having that added guilt of insulting/offending God would make things so much worse for you! It's important to remember that God always forgives, and I'm sure he understands that you don't mean those words to be directed at him. God can see that you have a good heart Heart just like we can see that you have a good heart!

 

It is okay to have these thoughts, and we all say negative or bad things about ourselves from time to time. I do it too! In fact, I think everybody in the world would do it at some point... even if it's it's something as basic like "I don't look good in this outfit." So I guess it's important to recognize that everyone has these thoughts, these thoughts can be separate from our religion or our appreciation of God, and that God would not want you to be feeling guilty/worse about having these thoughts.

 

We're here for you Heart

 

How are you feeling today?