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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hi @xXLexi_Lou122Xx! It feels like it's been ages since we last chatted. I'm sorry I haven't been on as much as I'd like to.
I hope everything goes well with the performance. It's understandable you would be really anxious about it. I used to get a lot of anxiety about having to present in front of other people, but some of my teachers were understanding when I told them how I felt. It's good that the teacher offered to get someone to check in with you, but it's frustrating that no one has done that yet. Smiley Sad If someone does end up chatting to you, would it help to ask them about what kinds of things can stay confidential and when do they have to tell someone? Confidentiality would be important to me too.
I hope you can feel better soon. Heart

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hi @xXLexi_Lou122Xx , I just wanted to check in and see how you're feeling today? I'm so sorry to hear that you feel like you're a burden - we never see you as a burden here, and we are always here to support you in any way we can. I hope the performance goes well for you (or has gone well, if it's already done!)... and I hope that letting some of those feelings out here has helped a bit. I can completely understand feeling anxious about different diagnosis - it's a really personal thing.   We are always here if you want to chat through it at all, and I know there's a lot of people in the community who can probably share their own experiences too Heart 

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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx sorry we couldn't keep your artworks up Smiley Sad They were amazing and powerful though (I had a look at the removed post)! How have things been over the past week? I hope you've been kind to yourself Heart

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@Janine-RO thank you, and that’s understandable, I did try to send some to you guys by email, but I never got a response. Oh well, now I know. Smiley Happy

Personally, I don’t think it helps much. It just reminds me of what I am. In a way, its one of the few ways I hurt myself... Mentally, instead of physically. If that makes sense? I don't know...

I wish that any of those people were able to be that person... my GO would have to say something, and so would my youth leaders. I want to tell someone everything, from what I tell myself, to what I’ve done to myself. But I can’t, without someone being required to report to higher authority/my parents...

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@WheresMySquishy it HAS been ages since we last spoke! I haven’t been on as much as I’d like either, damned school... Smiley Frustrated

I didn’t end up doing my performance, because I got so caught up in a bunch of things, that I couldn’t get my HPE exam done, and I was so Emotionally broken, I couldn’t get myself to go to English the next lesson.

Basically, I was doing my math exam, but I couldn’t even write down the simplest equation that I had literally just revised with my teacher aide the 5 minutes before my exam. I was so scared about English, and HPE, and everything I hadn’t done yet, and my self-hate, that I completely broke down and couldn’t do anything. I sat there all exam time, and then my Maths teacher comes up (I was in the learning support block), to supervise em if I needed more time. She looked at my paper to see where I was at, and she said “It’s alright, I’ll just give you an estimate mark”. She doesn’t know that I CANNOT have any estimate grade. I MUST do the exam and get a grade from what I did do, not only to prove to myself that I can do it, but to prove to everyone else I can do it. If I get an Estimate grade, it will have lowered my self-esteem even more, and then I won’t focus on any other school work and fail it all, because of my teacher not letting me resist the test, even though I’ve begged her many times already. I even went to the head learning support teacher, and asked if he could talk to her about it. But NO, SHE WON’T LET ME DO IT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH I BEG AND PLEAD WITH HER.

I have to do that test... I can’t do anything if I don’t. I’m worth nothing if I get an estimate mark. I’m a failure if I get an estimate mark. Why does no one at school see that I need this exam grade to do anything at all? I won’t even hang out with my friends because of it... Because I’m a fucking burden to them and everyone I know and tell my problems to. I need to have what I need, but no one is giving it to me.

Why can’t anyone see what I’m trying to say? I’m shaking with tears of sadness and frustration right now, like I did on Thursday on the train... I just hope that I’ll be allowed to do my exams again, when my mum emails my GO. Maybe she can help get me back on track with the exams...

Basically after the drama with Maths, the next day I had my HPE exam and my English performance was due straight after HPE. I immediately started thinking that I couldn’t do anything, as soon as I got that Exam paper for HPE, and just broke down again during that exam. I was so out of it, that I was told to stay in the learning support block for English as well. I never performed, and I’m still stressing over it. I’m still stressing about Maths, English, AND HPE. And Art, but its just a painting and some written stuff, so I’m not as worried about it. But it still adds to my stress.

I ended up breaking down again on the train home that day too. It was so bad, I couldn’t finish the breakdown before my mum arrived at the station to pick me up. She told me to explain, and she listened. I then asked to have the day off the next day, and she agreed. I had a really bad migraine the next morning, but my day improved from there a bit. Kmart shopping and Music lessons help, for some weird reason...

But now I don’t want to go to school tomorrow, even though I have to for the vocal group who has less than a week to practice for awards night performance... But I don’t want to encounter my maths teacher, or any of my teachers, because I know I’m going to break down again, if I see them because of how my maths teacher has and does treat me, and the fact that I can’t cope with it.

I want to die so bad right now. The emotional and mental pain I’m feeling, is so bad.... Why can’t someone just take it away? (I am safe, always will be).

I’m just waiting on the response of my GO from my mum’s email now. Even though it won’t be responded to until tomorrow. Looks like I have a hell hole of a day tomorrow... 😢

I’m sorry for even bothering to show my face to this world. I would go back in time and erase my life from the world if I could. Looks like this world is stuck with me in it... Yes I’m safe. Don’t question it. 😭

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

I’ll respond to everyone else tomorrow...

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@xXLexi_Lou122Xx , I'm so sorry to hear that you're sitting with so much pain, I hear how upset you are about what happened with your maths exam and being given an estimated mark. It's really great that you were able to open up to your mum about how you were feeling and get her to email your GO. You express yourself so well here about what's happening for you and why it's so important to you that you sit the exam - do you think it might help to copy some of that into an email? 

 

I've noticed you mention a few times that you'd love to be able to speak to someone about what's happening for you, but you're worried that they would have to report what you say to your parents or to someone else, have I got that right? The rules for what people do and don't have to report are pretty strict, and I'm wondering if it might help to talk to your guidance officer about confidentiality, as @WheresMySquishy  suggested, and find out exactly what they can keep confidential? It might be the case that they're able to keep much more confidential than you think they are - do you think that knowing a bit more about confidentiality might make it more possible for you to open up about what's happening for you? 

 

@xXLexi_Lou122Xx  feeling like you're a burden, and like you'd go back in time and erase yourself from the world if you could, sounds like such a heavy load to carry. I know that I've had times in my life when I had those feelings as well, and it was so lonely and exhausting.. finding the right person to talk to was hard, but it helped a lot. Thanks for confirming that you're safe - we're really happy to hear that, but I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain at the moment. 


We are so glad you're here on the forums, and here in the world, and we're always here for you. Keep us posted on how things go today - sending you huge virtual hugs

 

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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Awh @xXLexi_Lou122Xx I'm sorry you're in so much pain at the moment Smiley Sad While I'm glad to hear you're safe, these thoughts can be such a burden to carry.. I'm hearing you about wanting to sit your exam, it would be cool if your GO can set something up for you. But even if you get an estimate mark, that doesn't mean you're a failure, at all. It would be bloody understandable if you did have to get one, with the amount you have going on at the moment. It's awesome you were able to open up to your mum a bit, she sounds like a good support for you? It sounds like taking the day off was good, and going shopping and playing music cheered you up a little? Smiley Happy

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Welp, I'm going on camp this morning... I'll only be gone for 3 days, but I have to catch the train to school to get there... I'm kinda nervous, because my mum or dad can't take me or come with me on the train, and my siblings may or may not get up in time to catch the train with me. I'm leaving at 6:30am...

Its also supposed to get extremely hot where I'm going, which means more episodes... I have ways to try and keep cool, but its supposed to get hotter than what I can handle WITH my strategies... Oh well, lets see what I can do and how much fun I can have. I'm nervous, but hopefully that will be gone when I get there. Smiley Happy

I will respond to everyone again soon, but it'll have to be after camp on Wednesday. I figured I'd let everyone else know where I am, just cuz'. Smiley Happy

Talk to you all when I get back! Heart

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, by now you have probably ventured off for your camp, 6:30 is early so I can imagine it would have been hard to convince your siblings to catch the train with you, but I hope either way nerves settled once you set yourself out for the trip! 

I hope your strategies help you with the heat, I would love to hear about what you implemented when you get back Smiley Happy

 

I hope you have a lovely time and we are looking forward to hearing how it all went!

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