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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

OMG I just got my Facemask for the train!
I can't wait to post a pic! It's not hufflepuff, but it does have 'Mischief Managed' on it! Smiley Very Happy I love it!!!! I can even put a filter in it... Smiley Tongue

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me





I love it so much!!!!

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

I want to hurt myself... I don't know why, and its scaring me. I have never wanted to hurt myself, at least not physically. I can not and will not act on my urges, I just can't bear it if I did.


My parents were yelling at me and my siblings, just because school went back and that prevented us from doing our chores, and now I'm stuck with guilt, sadness, depression, anxiety, and even more self-hate. It all came back again, when I thought it was gone. 


I'm scared, and I keep withdrawing myself from everything. Even my drama class, I was emotionless and separated from the class. My teacher wanted to see me smile, and said to smile, in the nice way she does. But I straight refused. I didn't say anything the entire lesson, and i really hate that I did this to a teacher who cares. I love my drama teacher, but I can't even smile for her. Not even a small attempted smile. I can't even fake smile anymore. 


My friends don't know that I'm suffering like this, they think that I'm just doing another activity. 


I want to talk to someone, but I don't want them to tell my parents or get me help that I know will not help. I want to tell my teachers, but they have a duty of care to follow through with. As much as I know that they care about me. 


I hate myself, I hate everything about me. And I want to tell someone, so bad. but I can't even speak at all. Not even in class, I avoid talking as much as possible. I'm basically mute, unless a teacher asks me to answer a question or something. They won't know that I won't talk except for that situation that I rarely get put in. 


And to make things worse, I'm worried for a user here. They won't come online, and they won't respond either. I just want to know they're okay, and that I can help them in some way. 

And the fact that no one but that user has checked in with me, is a bit saddening too. 


I get that the forums are busy lately, mainly on the parent forum, but I feel worse that no one else has been on to see how I'm going. 


Everything is hurting me. Words that are meant to be mean, getting told off, and the voices in my head that I wish I could shut out so bad. 


And I can't hold on for much longer. There's nothing more I can do to make this situation better. I can't speak, and there's no way I can fix it now.


I am safe, but clearly distressed. 

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Thank you for sharing how you're feeling with the forums @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, I can only imagine how scary and stressful it must be for you to be battling those thoughts. You are an incredibly strong person, and it's really important that you are able to remember that. It's also incredible that you have so much insight into how you're feeling, and how much different things affect your mood. I can really hear that you're struggling with feeling lonely and disconnected, and really wanting to connect with someone. 

Sometimes, even though it is scary, it can help to open up to one person. Maybe it might help to figure out who you can open up to. When you've decided maybe you can even write them a letter to explain, so that way you don't get overwhelmed when you speak to them?

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@Andrea-RO Yeah... I'm still quite distressed, but I'm trying to cover it up. I know it's not healthy, but its the only thing I can do right now.

Aww, thank you. Heart

I'll think about finding someone I can talk to, but its not a very big chance I will...

I could write a letter to them, but I honestly don't think it's a good idea... I'm probably better off actually talking, even though I barely talk anymore.

I have drama today... and we're doing some acting... I don't really want to participate anymore, either... *sigh*

I guess I'll just go with it, and see what things I can do without speaking...

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx , I'm so sorry to hear that you're having those feelings of loneliness and disconnection at the moment, and I'm really sorry if you felt like you were being overlooked on the forums Smiley Sad  We all care a lot about you here, you are such a valued member of this community Heart 


Are you still in contact with your youth group at all? Do you think you could reach out to one of the leaders there? I know I've had times in my life when I've been in a dark place and haven't wanted to let anyone in, but speaking to a few trusted people really did help a lot. It can be a hard thing to do when you're really wanting to turn in on yourself, I know. 


Also, I just have to say your mask is amazing!! Did you order it online? I love that material so much- it's great to see more creative masks starting to make an appearance now. 


We are all here for you @xXLexi_Lou122Xx 



On this National #WinnieThePoohDay, one... - Gerron Jordan TV ...





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Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@Janine-RO It’s fine, I’m not really worth anyone’s time, anyway...

I understand that everyone is either too busy, or in a negative headspace.
I’ll be fine.

I am still in contact with my leaders, virtually, and sometimes we will go out for an hour or so. I guess I can try and talk to them, but I don’t know how well it will turn out.. they also have a duty of care, and they have to tell someone higher than them about whatever I tell them if it’s harmful to me or someone else.

So I guess I don’t know if I should tell them or not...

Haha, no I didn’t order it online! My mum went out and got some fabric, which is a bit pricey atm, and she made it herself! My siblings all have different ones too, but all Harry Potter themed! Smiley Happy

Thank you, I know you all are still here, despite not on my thread much. Heart

Maths is terrible lately... The class is way too loud, and they are all attention seeking bitches. Everyone is like: “Miss! Miss! MISS!!!! Help! I don't understand! Help! MIIIISS!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Which means that I can’t get any help, and everyone is yelling over each other and playing games and other stupid stuff without permission. The teacher doesn’t even know what she’s doing when it comes to controlling the class. I suggested getting someone with higher authority, but she decided to decline and make an excuse. I love my math teacher, but I really wish she would get help to control the class...

And I want to try and keep at the top of the class, but I can’t if I have to deal with all the shit in my classroom still.

I never swear, so I’m a bit mad and very sad and depressed about all this...

Not to mention, that I keep getting told that I look unwell. I guess I haven’t been the best, and I did have a dizzy spell today, but even then, surely I don’t look unwell? I don’t know anymore.

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

On the upside of today, My bullet journal and pens finally came today! Smiley Very Happy

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hello @xXLexi_Lou122Xx , I am sorry to hear that you have been in a negative head space lately and that you have been feeling very sad and depressed. By the sounds of it there has been a lot going on for you lately. Were you able to get some help after your dizzy spell? I hope that you are feeling a bit better by now.

Your math class does sound like a very loud and crazy environment to be in. I think it was a good idea to talk to your teacher about how the class could run smoother. It is a shame to hear that no improvements have happened yet. Is there another teacher or a coordinator that you could talk to about your class and how you are not able to get help from the teacher?

It is great to hear how creative you and your mum are with the masks. I imagine that making the masks would have been very fun! I love that you are still looking at the positives of today (getting your bullet journal). Are you going to use it tonight? Is there anything fun that you have planned tonight? Heart

Re: TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

@TOM-RO yeah.. I haven’t been the best lately...

I was fine after I ate something, my blood sugar was the problem. I hadn’t eaten anything, at least not something substantial enough to last me until lunch. I was still a bit pale, because my episodes last longer than a dizzy spell. I was in the middle of one, so I was quieter than ever, and particularly pale... but I just needed food, so I was fine after that.

Yeah... I really don’t like it. I have a huge noise sensitivity, so I don’t cope well with noise that isn’t constructive. If its working noise, and I’m working on something, then I’m fine. But if I’m sitting there in a bad headspace, then I’m going to freak out and basically start crying. Or pass out from a huge overload of stress... but that’s never happened, or at least I’ve only become pale and quiet when I’m having a sensory overload.

I didn’t exactly talk to my teacher about it... that was last term, a while ago. She still refused it, so I can’t do much more.
I talked to my mum about my maths class, and she said she was happy to email the school about it, and ask for some help or something to control the class and make it easier for me to learn.

Haha, yes!

I might use it tonight, but I’m not sure yet. I’m using a digital diary currently, but when I set up different pages, I’ll use them in my bullet journal. Smiley Happy