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TW: Moving Schools, Hating myself so much, Parents not caring, leaving my real friends + supports

I received the news that I never wanted to receive today.

My mum decided that I’m moving schools next year, and the fact that I never wanted to move schools is killing me. 

I literally only found my real friends this year, after 9 years of backstabbers and friends moving away. And I finally found someone who can support me in the way I need, or thought I needed, in the way that my Guidance Officer (GO) never could.

 

I have started realising this last term that I have a lot of self-hate, and unforgiveness for myself.

This being said, I feel like a complete disappointment, academically, emotionally, and mentally. 
Now that it’s official for me moving schools, I feel like I’m going to go downhill way faster than before. I even started imagining possible disorders I may or may not get, thanks to my parents.

 

I’m sitting here typing this with tears streaming down my face, and all the torture of this stupid Person that I am, is flinging back into my face. All the backstabbers hurting me, all the friendships that ended because they moved away, all the anxiety of the past, all the depression and suicidal thoughts and pain I felt in the past, are all making me feel so very traumatized all over again. 

 

I don’t even see myself anymore. When I look in the mirror, I see a completely different person. Literally. I don’t understand why. I just want everything to be back to normal. Where I still have my friends, I still have my supports, and I’ll still be in my current school. I mean, sure, my school is absolute shit, but there are so many things that no other school has. That is a basketball academy program, an amazing strings teacher, that can actually teach, and my friends. I just can’t see why I have to suffer through all this if there is many good things I can already benefit from at my current school, than at the other one. 

I can see why my parents want me to move, and have confirmed this, because of the education opportunities there. I can get the support I need to get my school work done, and possibly even tutors to help me. 

But what if I could get the help I needed at my current school? I know that if I tried hard enough, I could get what I needed. Even if it meant that I had to get my ASD Diagnosis. I honestly will do anything to stay at my school. It’s my 2nd home. I can’t just leave it. It’s telling me that I’m letting my friends and supports down if I move.

 

That’s just how I feel about life right now, and what I’ll be doing if I move. My parents clearly care more about my education than my mental health. I just can’t stop thinking about how wrong it is to move. 

I won’t be okay next year, if this 110% follows through. I’ll just be the same old mistake and disappointment I already am. I’ll probably be worse if I know myself well enough.

 

I will end up putting a giant mask on, and covering up the lies underneath. I hate being a disappointment. I’ll please my parents at least. But I’m letting them down if I out that mask on too, aren’t I... I just can’t win. 

I am safe, just so you all know. 

Re: TW: Moving Schools, Hating myself so much, Parents not caring, leaving my real friends + support

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, first of all, thank you so much for telling us that you're safe Smiley Happy. Moving schools can be so, so difficult, especially since you've made so many good real friends at your current school! You've mentioned that they've given great support to you in ways your Guidance Officer never could, right? And so, I was wondering if you have reached out to them about this already? I was also wondering if you've also raised concerns about leaving your real friends behind to your parents?

Otherwise, if all else fails and you do have to move schools Smiley Sad, is it possible for you to still keep in touch with your friends from your current school? When I moved schools and then eventually onto uni, I tend to keep in touch with my friends from my previous schools through email/social media. What do you think of this?

Sending hugs as always <3
_________________________________________________________
Hope is just around the corner; you think it's not there when you first look straight ahead, but it actually is when you turn around
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Re: TW: Moving Schools, Hating myself so much, Parents not caring, leaving my real friends + support

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx
This sounds incredibly tough. I imagine the prospect of moving schools is a tough one to face. You talked about how you've finally found a group of friends who sounds pretty great!
You asked what if you could get the support needed at your current school; have you or your parents ever looked into this further? I'm not sure how to go about this, but I'm sure there's someone at the school, maybe a guidance counsellor or welfare adviser might be able to help?

Also wondering if you've been able to communicate with your parents your reasons for wanting to stay where you are?

Sending lots of love and hugs your way Heart x

Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

Re: TW: Moving Schools, Hating myself so much, Parents not caring, leaving my real friends + support

Hey @Esperenza67
No worries.

Hehe... no. My friends are there for me, yes, but they don’t support me in the way my GO never could. My chaplain does though. I have an intimate relationship with her, as our connections are better than my previous chaplain. I love my last chaplain, but this one now is helping me more.

Yes, I have reached for my chaplains support, and I think she’s going to email my mum for a face-to-face chat, while I’m there too.

My parents seem to think that my friends don’t matter. I have said over and over and over again, that I don’t want to leave my real friends, and that it took 9 years to find my friends who really care about me. But they think I’ll make new ones quickly, with the experience I now have. It’s not that easy. Smiley Sad

 

edit: I accidentally clicked post when I was still typing....

 

The decision has been made, (as I stated at the start of my first post....) and I am definitely moving schools. 

I would keep in touch, but it’s not really that easy. Most of the time, my friends are on social media. I’m not on any social media (except for this Smiley Happy ), and I can’t always text my friends. I’m not even allowed my phone out in the other school. Not even in break times.

It has a positive impact on the school, but it does get very stupid and annoying.

 

basically this sort of thing of keeping in contact has never really been Ideal.

Re: TW: Moving Schools, Hating myself so much, Parents not caring, leaving my real friends + support

Hey @Bee
Yeah it’s going to be tough... Smiley Sad

I haven’t actually tried to get the support I need for my learning and education at my current school, but apparently my parents have already tried. They say that the school can’t do anything, but I would rather try and get support at my current school, even if it means getting an ASD diagnosis in order to do that.

I’m sure you are right, the GO might be able to help, but she never really had enough time for me in the first place.

I honestly have tried so many times to say what I think I need, and all the reasons I should stay, but my parents just don’t care. They say they do, but they don’t take into account the fact that they didn’t stick with their words. They said they would wait until holidays to decide, but really they weren’t on my side at all. They had already decided, but weren’t going to tell me. They were just going to send me without even letting me say how good the school I’m at now is.

I feel so very let down by this decision my parents made, and very betrayed.

I’m also scared that if I move, I’m going to go downhill mentally and emotionally. I’ll become depressed and withdraw from everything. Who knows, maybe I will develop a mental disorder because I’m moving. And I don’t want that to happen. But my parents just don’t care. I am safe, just thinking of the possibility of the future.

I’ve tried so many times to tell them what I need. But I just can’t get through to them. It’s like they think I’m a robot or doll and they can do whatever they want to me.



I feel as though I am the reason they are sending me somewhere else. Like I’m the letdown, mistake of a child, disappointment, whatever you want to call me. But I’m no child that anyone wants to have.
Sure, I’m talented in arts and culture, but academically, I am a failure.




But I don’t see why anyone would want me in their family. I am safe, but feeling worthless.

Re: TW: Moving Schools, Hating myself so much, Parents not caring, leaving my real friends + support

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx 

 

Just thought I'd chime in and show you my support Heart. You definitely aren't a let-down or a mistake Heart. While it may be hard to believe right now, your parents are doing this purely because they love you and want the best for you - not because they don't want to have you. It seems like your parents have weighed up the pros and cons of each school and decided that the new school is better suited to you. I can see that you feel you haven't been apart of the decision though, which is understandably upsetting you. I know it all feels really scary right now, but I believe you'll get through it, and I think your parents, and all the users here, do too. We just need you to believe in yourself. Heart Smiley Happy

 

You're a lot stronger than you think Smiley Happy

 

Can you think of three positives of moving schools?

Re: TW: Moving Schools, Hating myself so much, Parents not caring, leaving my real friends + support

Hey @Maddy-RO
Thank you.

My mum came and spoke to me this morning, when I was crying in my room. I can't stop crying lately. I just start to feel everything become so hard.

If they really loved me, then they would tell me why they want me to go, and how they can manage my mental health. Sure it may be amplified with my ASD traits, but it doesn't mean that I'm not mentally okay.
I constantly worry about the thins I might say or do next year, because I'm moving. I could possibly say that I want to suicide again, when I really wouldn't mean it like that. Or I could stop eating completely. I feel like I might do something I don't really want to do, but only because its all new, and I won't know anyone. From experience, I've built relationships and bonds with people that I dearly adore, but then they backstab me, or leave me, making me hurt all over again.

This time, it's me leaving them.

I never wanted to be the one who left my friends and supports. I could never dream of it. It just feels wrong. But then again, my friends don't seem too bothered that I'm going. As if... I never really existed... to them in the... first place...

Why is everything making me sad? Why do I have to take everything the wrong way?
Why can't I... just be normal...?

I can understand why the new school is better, and after my mum spoke to me about it today, I can now see that I'm not going to get anywhere if I have friends. Friends are just a bonus at school. So I take that as I shouldn't really care if I have friends. I should just focus on my... education...

But I don't know how. I don't know how to cope, I don't know how to be smart, I don't know how to not be unhappy, I don't know how to do anything except to be a letdown.

I can't believe in myself. It's just not something within my ability anymore. I don't even know how to be happy. If I act happy in real life, no one will notice. I just don't know what happiness is anymore. Nothing I do is ever enough. No matter how hard I try. I can't. It's my second nature to fail and let everybody down. Smiley Sad

I'll try to believe... but I don't think I'm as strong as you think I am.

I am safe, but obviously as you can see, very alone and sad.

Re: TW: Moving Schools, Hating myself so much, Parents not caring, leaving my real friends + support

1. New technology to enhance learning.
2. Small school, with most of the kids coming from out of catchment, meaning that they want to be there to learn.
3. Better for my education, and I can get the learning supports I need there.

Re: TW: Moving Schools, Hating myself so much, Parents not caring, leaving my real friends + support

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, I am sorry to hear that you are moving schools. This must have broke your heart and caused a lot of distress Heart You said 'If they really loved me, then they would tell me why they want me to go, and how they can manage my mental health'.. Is this something you have spoken with your parents about? Do they understand the impact that it may have on your mental health? If you have no say in whether you move schools, it might be helpful to discuss extra supports that you may need as a result of moving.

 

I can hear that moving schools brings up a lot of uncertainty and worry for you Smiley Sad This is how I know that it takes a lot of strength to pull positives out of a situation that you feel will impact your life significantly. Putting a mask on daily to hide how you are truly feeling sounds really exhausting. Whether you realise it or not, you have been coping through life this whole time. Is there anything you think that has got you through so far? From your time on the forums, I have come to known you as a brave, resilient and persistent person. That is just my two cents. Some of what I said may be hard to process right now, so feel free to come back to this question if you do not feel up to answering it at the moment.   

Re: TW: Moving Schools, Hating myself so much, Parents not caring, leaving my real friends + support

Thank you @Taylor-RO.
I will answer the question when I feel I can and respond to your reply properly, but knowing that you are here for me is enough to feel like I'm a little stronger. That includes everyone else here who is supporting me too.