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TW: My heart wants him but he hurts my heart.

My situation is difficult and it has been going on for 4 years. It is almost like I don't know how to live any other way but I know I have to somehow. 


When I was 18 I met this boy who became my first everything. We dated officially for 5 months and the relationship broke down because he cheated on me. I later found out it happened a lot more than once. 


When we were dating he wouldn't allow me to be on social media, go out and he even got mad I was accepted into uni. He was always saying how he was scared I'd find someone better than him and I never understood that. 


When we broke up he threatened to hurt himself and he made me believe he actually did. 

We have been on and off ever since we broke up officially and I can't even explain to you why. 


He has been so incredibly nasty, mean, scary and hurtful. One night he even begged me to come and get him at 11 at night out of town because he was on drugs and 'needed me'. He later sexually assaulted me and would not allow me to drive the car back to our home town. I thought he was going to crash and kill us. 


I know how bad this sounds and I know the whole logical side of it. I recognize that what he does isn't okay and that I should not be with him. 


I know that.


I haven't been the best either, I have said some bad things about him to others about our situation and I even slept with one someone in a period when we were off, I later found out he knew. My ex hated me over that. He blocked me on all social media.


Now he unblocks me sometimes to message me and talk and then just when I think we are okay again he blocks me. 


I know I should block him as soon as he unblocks me but I can't... or at least, I don't want to.


I feel like a failure, like someone who has no self respect and can't walk away. I know I disappoint my family and friends every time I go back only to get hurt. 


But I know I love this boy. I know it makes no sense but I do, despite it all.


I don't know if I can be helped, I just want the pain to stop . I can see the person I want to be and that is without him but I also see the relationship I want with him. 


It's getting to a point where I think I have to move away from this small town and remove myself to finally let go. But i'm scared. I talk to psychologists and take medication. But here I am hopeless as ever.


All I do is hurt everyone and I don't want to do that anymore, I don't want to be a bad person anymore.


Please help.

Re: TW: My heart wants him but he hurts my heart.

Hi @Lostinthislife and welcome to ReachOut Smiley Happy

Thank you for reaching out to us for help, we want to do what we can to support you through this Heart We really appreciate how open you have been in sharing your story with us, and I want you to know that we acknowledge your strength and courage in posting about your relationship- that is such a huge step to take Heart


I can hear you are in a lot of pain right now Heart You mentioned speaking to a psychologist and taking medication- we are really glad to see that you have some supports at the moment Heart Have you spoken to your psychologist about everything you have shared with us today? Do you have anyone else you speak to about this as well?


Relationships where there is so much pain can be really tough, and it sounds like there have been a number of experiences with this person that have made you feel unsafe or hurt, is this right? I am wondering if you would also consider speaking to a helpline that supports people who have experienced assault or violence in relationships- I will link their website here in case you feel this might be helpful Heart


We are always here to chat - there are so many young people here who can relate to what you are going through right now Heart We hear you 


Check out our community activities calendar for November 2019 here

Re: TW: My heart wants him but he hurts my heart.

Hey @Lostinthislife.

How are you feeling today?


I'm sad to say this but I am familiar with this kind of situation. I, myself have been in one too many emotionally abusive relationships and it has taken me many years to gather up enough courage and learn my self worth in order to remove myself from them. It is especially hard to leave when you love the other person and have spent so long together - that was always why it took me so long to leave.


A big thing that helped me was finding stability in other parts of my life, such as uni and work and finding good friends. This started to slowly build my self-confidence and eventually made me realize that I love myself enough that I will not tolerate this kind of thing anymore. Nothing but healthy, supportive relationships from now on.


An important thing to remember is that you are not responsible for anyone's safety or wellbeing besides your own. I am familiar with the threats of self-harm and I know how stressful they can be, but that is exactly what they are trying to achieve. 


Have you tried speaking to a professional (psychologist, counsellor) about this? If you feel unsafe, there are services out there to protect you both from others and yourself (lifeline and the police are a few good ones). Your local police should be able to inform you about protection from someone else should you need it.  


I hope this helps! Happy to chat more if you would like Smiley Happy

Sending hugs x