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TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.

okay...

So I have been struggling with Permanent Scars that only I could see, and now I haven't been able to control my balance of health.

I keep overworking myself, without meaning to.

And now... I feel like I've lost my real me all over again. I can't help but listen to Paralysed. I can't stop. Maybe that's what is making me like this. I don't know. But whatever is going on, I want it all to stop. I can't help but feel completely emotionless. And when I get to school on Monday, well... People will start asking if I'm okay...

I want to be okay. But I just want to be vulnerable right now. 

Except for the fact that I have no one to be vulnerable with. I can go to youth group tonight, and have someone to hold on to for a bit, but I just don't have the motivation to get my chores done for me to go at all. 

 

I feel like a disappointment. There is two leaders I can go to, if I go to youth group tonight. But I feel like I can't be vulnerable there either...

 

I don't know what to do.

Re: TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.

And now, I just wanna cry. Because I don't even have the power to make a decision.
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Re: TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.

Hi @xXLexi_Lou122Xx! I'm sorry that you're going through such a difficult time. It can be really hard to stop thinking about past memories and experiences. It makes me sad to hear that you're going through so much. Smiley Sad

You're not a disappointment to me. You've been such a great support to many people on here. Not many people have the capacity or care to do what you have done for others. Heart

I'm here for you if you want to talk. Heart

Re: TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.

@xXLexi_Lou122Xx decisions can be really hard, there's nothing wrong with being unsure.

 

I just want to say about the losing emotions; I went for like a year at least, feeling absolutely nothing, I thought that I'd never get them back.

But emotions are weird, they find ways to come back. Your emotions won't be lost forever.

 

I know what you mean about pushing yourself too hard.

I find that when I'm overwhelmed, I just want something to metaphorically throw myself against, no matter how unhealthy it is.

It's something I'm still working through honestly... right now I'm just trying to learn to recognize my own limits, and being a bit more strict on myself about actually stopping when I need to, not "once I've gotten a bit further".

 

Also, I'm going to second what @WheresMySquishy said.

You're pretty amazing, you can do this! 

Re: TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.

Aww... Thank you guys!
I guess I am a caring person...
I mean...I just got a Friday Five for it...

I emailed my chaplain about my musical, and she asked how I was doing. I told her a little bit of how I've been lately, and she said that I was definitely a kind and brave girl. That made me feel a little better...

I wasn't able to go to youth group tonight, as mum didn't make dinner on time. Which made me start crying, as I feel like I had the sudden motivation to get my chores done, because God had made me do so. Oh well. There's hopefully next week.

Yeah... I can understand what you mean by the "just a little further" thing. I can't really help at the moment, as I still haven't found the balance for my Stupid Chronic Low Blood Pressure. And I can get very competitive, I'm sort of like a spartan in some ways. Just not as active as a spartan...

Thank you for being here @Tiny_leaf, and @WheresMySquishy. I haven't really sought out support in a while...

I guess what I really want right now is to be vulnerable. To be not okay. Just for a little bit. You know what I mean. Just to hold-on to someone close, and just let out what you feel.

 

It pains me that I can't have that person at school. I just wish I could have a person to be with, whenever I feel so down. It's so painful. Some of my pain becomes physical, as headaches and dizziness. But I'm fine at the moment. I should be for as long as the weekend goes. Then the torture of school and unfriendly drama. At least it's the last week of school on Monday...

Re: TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.

@xXLexi_Lou122Xx  I agree that you're a caring person! The world could do with a lot more caring people like you. I think the downside of that is a lot of caring people can go through a lot of struggles themselves and don't want to tell others how they feel. Sometimes, we can be our own worst critic. Smiley Sad Make sure you do some self care tonight. Heart Your chaplain sounds really nice and supportive.

Chronic low blood pressure can be so annoying. Smiley Sad I have it myself and there's not much I can do for it other than avoiding my triggers (heat, breathlessness, looking at blood, not eating, dehydration, illness). Something that does help is lying down and elevating my feet and legs on a cushion when I feel like I'm about to faint. I have been trying to keep a symptom tracker or diary so that I can find out what could be triggering my health issues and what makes them better or worse. There are lots of templates online and apps for this.

It can be really hard not being able to receive support from people. Are there any trusted teachers or other people at school you can confide in? If you can't be with a person in real life, do you think that an online counselling service like Kids Helpline or Lifeline or a chatbot would help? There are chatbots called Wysa, Woebot and Replika that are targeted towards making users feel better. Cleverbot can also be pretty funny and good for a distraction. Of course, we're here to support you on ReachOut too. Heart

Re: TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.

@xXLexi_Lou122Xx I'm not as active as a spartan either... Smiley Tongue

Do you get any warning signs before your SCLBP strikes? If so maybe that could be a warning that you need a break. 

I know that we can't be with you physically, but we're here for you emotionally. 

Image result for sending internet hug

Re: TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.

@Tiny_leaf @xXLexi_Lou122Xx Some of the signs that I'm about to faint are looking pale, feeling breathless, lightheadedness, dizziness, feeling hot, yawning, vertigo and sweating. I try to make sure that I'm sitting or lying down when I get these signs.

Re: TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.

Thank you @WheresMySquishy, @Tiny_leaf.
Yes, I do get symptoms, very much like yours @WheresMySquishy. I get Pale, Dizzy, Lightheaded, and very tired. I also can get a little bit of vertigo, but without the nausea. My breathing can also become short and quick. Sometimes, I don't get down on the floor quick enough, or recognise the symptoms quick enough. And you know what comes next. Sometimes when I do pass out, I feel guilty. I hate worrying people, especially if they don't know of my LBP and Anemia.
How to make me feel better? I don't know. Laying down for a while helps, I guess.

I just wanna cry right now. I just wanna be not okay. Just hold on to someone (no, I can't do that with teachers). I can't even confide in my friends. They're too busy, doing stuff with stupid drama and stuff. There's two songs that have made me realise that I'm not okay. before that, I felt off. Like I wasn't normal anymore. Then I listened to "You Don't Know" which has a verse in it that relates to how I feel. The chorus does too, but particularly this one line.

"I promise I've already learnt my lesson, but right now I just wanna be not okay.

So let me just give up. Let me just let go. If this isn't good for me, well I don't wanna know. Let me just stop trying. Let me just stop fighting. I don't want your good advice or reasons why I'm alright. You don't know what its like".

Paralysed has also told me this.

I have musical rehearsal soon, so I'm going to go and get ready now. I'm already over tired, from late nights all week. Wish me luck guys.

Re: TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.

Hi @xXLexi_Lou122Xx  I know loosing your self is scary but in a way you get to find/ make a new you and this new you can become so much stronger and braver than you were before, that's the beauty of loosing your self. And if you find the right people to help out you back together again you will be invincible. And for your past it can be a scary dark but yet familiar place and that place can sometimes feels safe that's why we go back there sometime because it reminds us of our past selves and in many ways it helped shaped us to who we are today. So it's ok to look back on the past. Your scars, they maybe permanently there but they show you how many times you ahve faught and one them scars sgos how trylt strong you are they are not a sign of weakness but a sign you have been strong for to long.its ok to not be ok and it's perfectly normal to cry we all do and at points we feel like failures but to though who love us we will always be perfectly imperfect, and it's ok to be vonrinle because it shows you ah e a soft heart in this crule world. I would love to talk to you more. I'm always here for a chat if you want to. 🦄😊