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TW - Porn Addiction + Trying to move on
Hi to whoever may read this,
I’m 17 years old and I think I have some sort of addiction to porn, it’s not a compulsive one that it takes up time in my life if that makes sense (I.e I don’t spend hours /24/7). I’ve had this issue for 4 years and I made a decision before the first of July that I would stop and change. I attempted this last year but ended up failing after 20 days and my brain kinda gave up.
But the longer I left the issue going the more it took a strain on my mental health and the more I read about the effects on porn on young people’s mind and how it damages the brain the more I realised my brain is already damaged and stuffed. I’m currently abstaining from porn and it’s been a whole week today. I’m going through a lot of mood swings. At times, often when I’m alone, I get feeling of severe guilt, shame, anxiety and disappointment in myself. Even though I know I’m doing something right and trying to fix the problem my mind can’t forgive myself for what has happened. I can’t tell my parents because well, one my father is very against porn and I don’t really want to imagine the consequences and reaction he have if he found out.
The other thing which is causing me so much grief is that I’m not a bad person, what I mean is I’m a good kid in school, I’m polite respectful etc and I often try to inspire others around me. Many people see me as a role model and I’ve had a lot of encouragement to go for school captain for my last year in high school. What bothers me is they don’t know this side of me, people often talk about in high regard someone who follows the rules and does the right thing. I dislike that they have this false image of me and I suppose I’m terrified by the reactions I’d get if some of them found out. What’s worse are my friends and family they hold me in the highest regard and I feel that I’m lying to them, lying to them for four years making them believe I’ve never watched porn, allowing them to believe that I’m “innocent” it sickens me. I know I’m not perfect but I can’t accept myself because of my porn “addiction”. At times I so overwhelmed by guilt and shame I start questioning myself about life …
So what I’m saying is how do I accept myself? Part of me wants to talk to my closest friend about this to tell her the truth but I’m afraid of her reaction. She’s always been supportive of me, but like I said this thing it ruins everything, the reputation I have. This super embarrassing to write but it’s starting to take a bigger toll on my mental health then I’d like to admit.
Thank you to whoever may read this and have a wonderful afternoon. I sincerely hope non of my friends or family ever see this
Comments
Hi @Tardis009
Well done for sharing how you're feeling, I know you said you felt embarassed to write this out, but it's really great that you've been able to speak a bit about what's going on for you at the moment.
I imagine that feeling so much guilt and pressure to be a certain kind of person all of the time would be very overwhelming. Have you found anything that helps you in those moments?
You mentioned in another post that you'd like to have a boyfriend, I'm wondering if you think focusing more on connecting with friends and new people in person might be a healthy distraction for you?
It sounds like you've been really self-aware and have been able to realise when something was having a negative effect your wellbeing, you've starting changing your habits to make yourself feel better and reached out for support - that's huge! Definitely cause for acknowledging the steps of self-care you've already taken 😊
Hi@Iona_RO
Thank you for your help and support,
I do a lot of journaling to t try and get my feelings out onto paper.
Meeting new people in a way I suppose but being with friends is probably better to be honest. School starts again soon so I'll be able to distract myself throughout the day so it's kinda of a good thing.
Books help me focus and reflect on my life and two books in particular have made me reflect on my past life. I had to face/deal with my past eventually otherwise I won't be able to truely move on.
thanks for your support and help
Tardis009
You're very welcome @Tardis009 😊 We're always here to support you!
That's awesome that you are able to journal and write your thoughts out. Such a good way to unravel everything you're thinking and feeling. It can be so helpful not only to get it all out and feel lighter, but also make more sense of what actually is going on for you. Great strategy! 🙌
Is meeting new people something you don't feel comfortable doing, or you just prefer focusing your time on close friends you enjoy hanging out with?
I'm curious, when you mention you have to face your past, is that in relation to the porn addiction issues or something else you'd like to share?
Hi@Iona_RO
If I could make some recommendations for reach out's content that you provide. There are no articles that tackle Porn or porn addiction. I feel that it might be something to consider for other people who may be in my situation or similar.
thanks again for all of your help and support
Tardis009
Hi @Tardis009
Thank you for your suggestion, we really appreciate you giving your recommendations and coming online to share your experiences with the community too. You might be interested in the resources and support of Kids Helpline here, especially if you want to talk to someone one-on-one about the things you've brought up. I hope you're doing well today 🙂
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