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TW: Self-Harm, Getting Help
I feel like I am in a shocked trance.
TW: Self-harm
Yesterday, I self-harmed. I have had thoughts of suicide and self harm for a while, but I never thought that I would act on them. I don't know what pushed me to do it. I feel like I don't even know what I did. I feel horrible.
That night, I messaged my friend who looks out for me, and told them what I had done. They said that if I am comfortable, I should try to get counselling or some sort of help as soon as possible (it had been suggested a few times in previous chats with my friend). I agreed, and we set a time to go to the wellbeing centre and discuss my feelings with a counsellor.
I have been feeling stressed about what I should say, because I am scared that I will tear up and not be able to speak (this is the case a lot of times when I am sad, and I am generally a quiet person who never talks much.) I am planning to write it out on to a paper and simply give it, as that is my best shot. But yeah, I have removed as much dangerous materials away from me as possible, getting some fresh air, staying in my room and doing creative hobbies.
Comments
Hi @Ultramarine 
I’m sorry to hear things are as difficult as they are for you. It really isn’t a good place to be, but please remember it does get better! I was in pretty much the same situation you are in a few years ago. My friend also made me talk to the wellbeing centre for the same reason and it was ultimately the start of things changing. It is worth it even though it can be terrifying.
It is completely okay if you do tear up and struggle to talk. It’s their job to create an environment where you can communicate so it is very unlikely for them to get annoyed/frustrated. Writing things down is a great idea! It will allow you to say things that you might be hesitant to say out loud. It sounds like you’re taking good care of yourself by keeping dangerous things away and practicing self-care. Keep it up!
As for questions they could ask I remember things like: When did you start feeling this way? How would you rate your mood (typically on a scale of 1-10)? Was there anything that happen to trigger the self-harm? How often do you have thoughts of self-harm and suicide? Do you have any suicide plans? When are these feeling worse/better?
Best of luck!
Hey @Ultramarine I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now. I'm so glad that you have felt like you can share this with us, it can be so difficult to be open about SH. It's also really lovely that you have such a supportive friend to be there with you as well.
It is very normal to be in a state of shock right now, so don't forget to breathe, take it slow, and try not to shame yourself if you can. You've done amazingly by taking the steps you've already taken - telling a friend, seeking professional support, making your space safer, and opening up about it with us here in the community. You get my kudos for that, I think you're really brave!
Very normal to feel a bit stressed before going into a counselling appointment, especially if it's your first time, or when seeing someone new. I think writing it down is a great idea! Would have been my first suggestion haha. And if you do end up very choked up, you will be with compassionate people who can hold a safe space for you while you're feeling so vulnerable. You could also contact KHL any time - you could even treat it like a practice run before you see the counsellor. Also a great source of support to keep handy if you find yourself really struggling again.
We do have some articles that you can have a read through when you're ready:
Greenbox - tool for managing SH urges
Be gentle and kind to yourself over the coming days, you deserve care and compassion from within and without. And we'll be here to walk beside you as you go đź’š