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TW Struggling with cycles of self esteem, self hate and self improvement

I want to be better. Just... kinder, smarter, stronger, more skillful. Better.

Everything I do, I'm correcting myself. I'm desperate to improve.

 

But... my version of self improvement can be... brutal almost. 

Sometimes it borders self harm. Sometimes it slips into self harm without me even realizing; so subtly that I forget what it is.

My self esteem seems so delicate.

Like it's dependent on me constantly improving, constantly working.

 

And I'm scared that everything that I actually like about myself came from treating someone like shit.

Even if that someone is just me.

 

I'm so used to being in pain. I'm scared that I'll never let myself stop being in pain.

I think it might be the only thing that motivates me now.

And I hate how well it works.

 

Like... what happens if I only get close to being a decent person if I'm cruel to myself?

Are my choices to never be happy with who I am, or never be pain-free?

 

I'm hurting and confused and I don't know if anyone can even help.

I don't know what to do.

It's like I'm moving so quickly and yet getting nowhere.

 

I don't know why I'm writing this or what I'm hoping for or even if this makes any sense.

What the fuck am I meant to do.

Re: TW Struggling with cycles of self esteem, self hate and self improvement

Hi @Tiny_leaf,

 

Thank you for taking the step last night to be open and honest with us about how you are feeling. We really value your trust in this community to reach out for support when you need to Heart Reading through your post, I can see so much self awareness- communicating your thoughts and experiences around self improvement and pain is really hard, and I hope that by putting the words down into writing, you are able to feel a bit of the weight lift off your shoulders.

 

Self improvement and bettering ourselves is something that so many people here can relate to- sometimes we are our own toughest critics. But when it also coupled with pain and hurt, or the improving is impacting your wellbeing, speaking to someone about it is really important- you've already started taking that step here. I can imagine it must be incredibly hard to feel stuck between pain and being the person you want to be Heart Have you had a conversation with anyone about this before?

__________

Check out our community activities calendar for July 2019 here

Re: TW Struggling with cycles of self esteem, self hate and self improvement

Thank you @Jess1-RO.

 

And no..

This was my first time actually putting it into words.

I can't tell my friend, she finds stuff like that really triggering as it's something she's struggled with for a long time.

My parents.. won't understand, I don't trust the private psychologist I see (for various reasons), and all my time with the psychologist who I can trust is spent trying to sort out everything else I have to sort out. 

I don't think that there's anyone irl who I can tell...

Re: TW Struggling with cycles of self esteem, self hate and self improvement

Hi @Tiny_leaf,

 

It is so brave of you to open up here about something so personal.

I hope opening up helped you yesterday. How are you feeling about it today? If you wanted to talk about it out loud to someone who isn't in you life have you considered Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800)?

 

I agree with @Jess1-RO in that it sounds like you have really good introspection and awareness which can be so useful. Just thought I would add that I have seen you around the forums and you seem like such a supportive person, I wanted to commend you for that as well Smiley Happy

 

-Here if you want to talk

Tasi

 

 

 

Re: TW Struggling with cycles of self esteem, self hate and self improvement

@Tasi thank you.

 

Unfortunately I can't speak over the phone, and even though lots of people find KHL helpful, they tend not to come up with any suggestions I find useful for some reason..

The last person I spoke to essentially spent the forty minutes repeating what I was saying..

Re: TW Struggling with cycles of self esteem, self hate and self improvement

Hey @Tiny_leaf, if KHL isn't useful perhaps you could try and email your trusted psychologist?
Instead of spending time on a new issue during your sessions, you could email them to let them know before your next session. Do you think this could work?

If this isn't an option, there's always the forums and people to chat to and give you advice.
Also, Reach Out has an article on self confidence here which might help;
https://au.reachout.com/articles/5-ways-to-feel-better-about-yourself

Re: TW Struggling with cycles of self esteem, self hate and self improvement

@not-an-otter that's a really good idea and one I hadn't thought of; the only problem is that she's a school psychologist..

I do have her email, but she's on holidays atm, and has to work with hundreds of students and parents, and organize events.. 

Emailing her regularly would just increase her already kinda huge workload. (yeah.. my school might be a little understaffed in some areas....)

 

Atm I think I'll just have to stick with the forums.. 

Re: TW Struggling with cycles of self esteem, self hate and self improvement

@Tiny_leaf  I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Smiley Sad Life can be so hard.

I love talking to you on the forums. You're such a nice person. Heart I'm here if you ever want to chat.

Is there anything that helps you when you're struggling with these thoughts?

I was also wondering if talking to a mental health chatbot would be helpful if you can't talk to a person?

Re: TW Struggling with cycles of self esteem, self hate and self improvement

@Tiny_leaf ah I'm sad to hear you haven't found KHL helpful.

 

However the fact you are finding the forums useful is great! 

 

Maybe you can always take @not-an-otter advice if you find urself needing more support 😊😊

 

Re: TW Struggling with cycles of self esteem, self hate and self improvement

Thank you @Tasi and @WheresMySquishy 

 

The only thing that really helps it is pushing myself harder...

 

I'm trying to play some literally pointless online games in an attempt to make myself do something that doesn't have any goals or measures of success to beat myself up about.