TW: Suicidal thoughts at night

[justkeepswimming]

Hi there,

Before I start I just wanted to let the mods know that I am safe.  

So I've been having some suicidal thoughts for a few days this week but they usually only happen at night. They get pretty intense but I'll never act on them because I know that they will all disappear in the morning.

I'm currently having weekly sessions with my regular counsellor on KHL and I've been talking to her for almost a year now! She's been super helpful in helping me deal with transitioning from high school to uni. I did tell her that I first started having suicidal thoughts/ thoughts about dying around my 18th birthday last year and she made me promise to call KHL before I do anything. I'm keeping that promise because she's important to me. I would like to tell her that I've been thinking about death again lately but she probably would like to know what kind of thoughts I was having? I don't really want to tell her because the thoughts are a bit specific and I'm scared that she might have to send me to the hospital even though I know that I won't do anything 99% of the time. 

I also haven't told anyone about these thoughts I had around my birthday last year except for my KHL counsellor. I'm not too sure how I would go about telling my best friends that I struggle with suicidal thoughts as a student in the year below our year died by suicide last year so I don't want them to be concerned about me. 

I guess I'm just wondering how I would go about being honest with my counsellor about the specific thoughts that I'm having knowing that if I told her she might have to send me to a hospital? Also at what point is it okay to tell your friends that you struggle with suicidal thoughts because I hate telling half-truths when my best friend asks why I was in a bad mood and I usually reply to her with "I was just in a meh mood".

Thanks for reading everybody. I'm really glad that I could come onto the forum and get support here.

[Macaria]

Hey @justkeepswimming, wanna give you a hug first (heart). I think counsellor will not simply make the decision based on your thoughts? They might use some assessment tools to assess the risk, so I think she will know whether you are really ok as you said. (To be honest, I think it would be better to tell her and make her know that there are some changes happened, so she can make plan for you).
I think it depends on you about telling friends about suicidal thoughts, how much you trust them, and whether you are comfortable with telling that, you don't need to force yourself.

[Bingo1234]

Hey @justkeepswimming! So glad you came to the forums to speak up about this. I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling like this at night. It must be very unsettling and unnerving. It’s so good you’ve been speaking to your KHL counsellor for almost a year now! She sounds like she’s super supportive and caring. I think if you feel comfortable you should share the current thoughts you’re having with your counsellor- regardless of how specific they are. It might also be a good idea to let her know about your worries of going to hospital- I’m sure she’ll be able to put your mind at ease and give you some great advice. 

In terms of speaking to your friends about your thoughts- there is no pressure to tell anyone and you should do so on your own terms and only if/when you feel comfortable. Do have one or two close friends you could share these thoughts with?

[justkeepswimming]

Hi @Bingo1234 . Yeah I think that I should tell her in my next session. I probably would feel better having talked to someone about it. I could share my thoughts with my two best friends but I don't want them to worry about me.

[Bingo1234]

@justkeepswimming I agree! It will definitely feel good to get it off your chest. Maybe you could just let your friends know that you’ve been feeling quite down lately- no need to go into detail if you don’t feel comfortable. 

[Janine-RO]

Hi @justkeepswimming , 

First, thanks so much for letting us know that you're safe at the moment. I can completely understand feeling scared about talking to your counsellor about the thoughts you're having, I think @Bingo1234  has given really great advice there- it sounds like you have a really trusting relationship with your counsellor, and a lot of people have similar worries about talking about thoughts of suicide. Even though it's hard, talking to her about how you're feeing sounds like a really good idea, and if you're comfortable sharing your worries about being sent to hospital, they should be able to be pretty open with you about when that is something that might happen. 

Talking about those thoughts is a really protective thing- some people also find that working on a safety plan is something that's really helpful. Have you ever chatted about that with your counsellor?  If you're someone who likes using apps, Beyond Blue have developed a safety planning app called Beyond Now- you can learn more about that here if you're interested  

How are you feeling today? We're really glad that you could come here and chat about what's happening for you

[justkeepswimming]

Hi @Janine-RO 

I haven't talked to my counsellor about a safety plan yet, but I'll have a look into the app. I'm feeling alright today, just been busy at work so I'm a bit tired. I'm sure I'll sort my thoughts and feelings out in my session with my counsellor this week. 

[Janine-RO]

Hey @justkeepswimming , it's really good to hear that you're feeling alright today Experiencing those dark thoughts can feel really scary, but it's something that a lot of people experience, and talking through them early with someone you trust can help a lot. We're really glad  that you were able to come on the forums to chat things through. Feel free to keep us posted on how you're getting on  

[justkeepswimming]

Hi @Janine-RO 

I talked to my counsellor on Friday and we talked it through. I learned that I use suicidal thoughts as a coping mechanism. I'm sure we will talk about it more in our next session but it felt good to talk things through with her. )

[Janine-RO]

Hey @justkeepswimming , 

So glad to hear that you were able to talk through those feelings with your counsellor and that it felt good to be able to talk through what was happening for you. I know it's really hard to have those conversations, good on you for having the courage to take that step