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Re: (TW?) Uni is destroying me

Thanks @Bre-ROHeart

I'm just so tired. I just want to lie in bed and sleep all day. Nothing's enjoyable for me anymore, even activities that are meant to make my relax. Like, I can't even play Sims or Animal Crossing anymore because I feel like I'll mess up the story line or my town. Smiley Mad 

I don't know how I will ever improve from this. Like I said, I haven't really made a friend in 7 years. Only one person other than family talks to me on a regular basis. Yesterday, I went outside to a meeting, and when they asked me a question my brain went completely blank and I didn't feel like talking at all. How am I going to survive in the adult world? I'm basically a child in an adult body, anyway. I don't know how anything works. 

I'm so tired of the mental health system. Everyone says to me the only good psychologists in our area don't bulk-bill, but I really can't afford it. Research says therapy for major depression/ anxiety is most beneficial if done intensely. How on Earth can this be done with Medicares 10 free sessions! I'm forced to use them sparingly like gold, and when I do we sit there in silence for forty minutes while she says I probably need to change my meds. Smiley Mad I'm pretty sure my current one does CBT, but what we've been doing isn't really CBT at all, so...?

A few good things for next week: 
-Tomorrow, I'm going to a lady's house to see if she has a cat I'd like to adopt (she's part of a rescue organisation!).
-I also might be able to donate blood again (depends on my iron!).

Re: (TW?) Uni is destroying me

@Hozzles 

 

Sorry to read that you're feeling so tired.  I can imagine when you're feeling this way not wanting to play Sims in case you mess up a story, especially as you've probably put a good amount of time into it Smiley Happy.  Could you start a new game maybe?  Or try something else that's fun where you don't need to worry about a mistake? 

 

The fact that you're seeking and getting help is a great start Smiley Happy.  Have you tried calling some services to help when you're feeling down?  Services such as Lifeline (13 11 14) and Beyond Blue (1300 224 636) have trained counsellors ready to talk to you.  Maybe this can help so you don't need to use all your psychology sessions too quickly.

 

Aww, I love cats Cat Happy.  That really sounds like something to look forward to Heart   

 

 

 

Re: (TW?) Uni is destroying me

I feel content today. It's been so so long since I've felt relaxed/ happy for no reason that it actually took me about five hours to recognise I was happy and not sick or anything. Smiley LOL

The cat date went well. Heart There was two I really liked!
One was a bigger (but younger) male that was born as a stray, so he was really nervous and timid. But you could tell he was trying his absolute hardest to be brave and smoochy! He is very smoochy with his foster family. He sounds like me in cat form, ahah.
The other is more playful and outgoing! She has had kittens but she's still very young, and she has a really unique coat that's like a mix between calico and tabby. She also looked affectionate but more high energy.
It's going to be tough to decide! I also visited the shelter and there were lots there, too! I wish I could keep them all hahah Cat Very Happy

I have tried some services before, but most of the time I'm too anxious to pick up the phone. I've tried online chat, too, and that's helpful sometimes. 

I think the main thing is learning how to enjoy things again. Everything gets ruined by OCD/perfectionism but I feel like none of my psychologists have recognised that yet. Like, I remember when I was 14 I used to compulsively search my first sentence of my story on google to see if I was accidentally plagiarising. Even reading or watching a movie is sometimes troubling because my mind has to make sure I'm paying attention to every sentence, and if I feel like I haven't understood completely I have to turn back a few pages and reread/ go back and re-watch. So at that point reading/watching anything isn't enjoyable. Another thing is drawing/ even adult colouring books -- everyone I speak to says adult colouring books are supposed to be very relaxing but they just stress me out because I'm worried about making a mistake! Ugh, it's annoying. I'll try to bring it up next time I see a professional. 

Re: (TW?) Uni is destroying me

Hey @Hozzles 

 

I'm glad to hear the cat date went well Cat Happy It's sounds like you've got a tough choice ahead of you, they all sound so sweet. Do you find being with animals therapeutic? 

 

It's great that you know what you need to work on. Having that self awareness is such a crucial aspect of mental health recovery\maintenance. In saying that it must be hard feeling like OCD/perfectionism has taken away enjoyment from your life. It sounds like you're trying to push through it and I want to tell you dismantling the thought cycles that occur with OCD is totally possible with a psych that you feel comfortable going into this with. It can take time to find the right person to explore this with and I hope you come across the right professional to help you get your mental health where you want it to be. 

 

In the meantime we will be here to listen to you and support you Heart 

Re: (TW?) Uni is destroying me

It's been a while but I thought I'll give you all an update.

 

I adopted a cat! His name is Rusty and I'm obsessed with him. He was born feral so when I met him he was scared and hardly let me pat him but now he's the most loving thing and lies down next to me when I go to sleep every night ❤. I feel like we have similar personalities in that way, ahah. It's been so heartwarming to see his trust grow every day. Yes, I find being with animals to be really theraputic!

 

I got through one more subject in uni. My grade was about 5+ more points than I expected! I'm proud of myself. There was a problem with the exam too so the leadup to the results was really stressful. I only have 1 more subject that counts towards my honours admission, and 3 more subjects to complete my undergraduate. 

 

I'm slowly getting there... I guess this is where the problems start. My uni has 3 semesters, where the third semester is optional. Earlier I decided to take a subject at this time but now that the new semester has started I'm not so sure. I'm terrified of getting into such a negative space again. I don't think it's a good time to start at all. I'm changing meds again  starting this week (3rd change this year, yay) and it's a very busy time of year for me (and everyone) with Christmas, birthdays, New Year, etc. Logically, I don't want to put myself under stress when the semester is optional anyway, and I can complete the subject with my other unit next year. My family keeps getting angry at me, telling me I never should have intermitted my degree in the first place and I'm never going to finish if I keep 'putting it off' and 'taking the easy way out'. I know they're hurting to see me like this but I wish they could see my point of view that, if it were my choice, I wouldn't keep dropping units to keep myself mentally healthy... ☹

 

Another small thing is it's my birthday next week. I feel so ungrateful but I just don't want anything to do with it. My Mum and my brother had a big argument on my 21st last year... like one of the only times they have ever argued. I keep thinking like... that was my last 'milestone birthday' until maybe I'm 30? And I had a shocking day. It doesn't help that my birthday is two weeks after my brothers. My brother always ends up surrounded by friends who are there for him all day, and make sure it's a good day. I have no one. I haven't had my own party since I was about 10. I don't even like parties lol but I'd love to not spend it all alone. And as weird as it sounds, I just hate the concept of getting older. I just feel like it's another year that I should have my life in order, but I don't. I still can't drive and haven't attempted in 4 years, yet all my high school friends have their full licences. I should have completed honours by now, I could have graduated from my Bachelors. I know everyone goes through life at their own pace but it's really frustrating sometimes, especially when I'm working so hard on myself. 

 

So things have been up and down for me at the moment! 

Re: (TW?) Uni is destroying me

Hi @Hozzles!

Your cat sounds so cute! I wish I had pets at the moment.

I'm so happy for you for getting through that subject! What a fantastic achievement! I really hope that you can get into honours. I've finished my degree, but that stage was so stressful. Psychology is so stressful compared to a lot of other kinds of degrees. I'm trying to apply for postgraduate courses at the moment and the wait is making me insane.

Is the additional semester an 'intensive', rapid semester or is it carried out like a normal semester? I agree with you that studying in the middle of the holiday season can be pretty full on. I had a friend go through the third semester at our uni and she said the workload was pretty crazy, but this is just her opinion.

It must feel really bad to not have the support of your family. Smiley Sad But the thing is, people change their careers and life choices all the time. I worked with people who did other unrelated degrees first, so that by the time they did the course I'm applying for now, they already had over eight years of study behind them and were much older than me. I also think that there is still plenty of time for us to settle into what we decide to study and start a career. I know someone who went to uni four times, but never actually completed a course and went through some kind of college instead. My sister is also going to complete Year 11 and 12 over at least 3 years because it will hopefully allow her to finish her HSC and give her better results than cramming all that workload into a short time and trying to fit it around her hospital schedule. So, breaking your degree into manageable chunks may work out better for you in the long term, especially if you need high marks to get into particular courses.

Birthdays can be so hard too, especially when family members argue or start dramas on your special day. I wish that they could just put their own stuff aside and try to just enjoy the day. I've had several 'bad' birthdays and I'm not really looking forward to my next birthday either, which is also coming up. I'm thinking of doing my own thing this year without some of the drama llamas in my family.
Is there anything that you would really like to do for your birthday? For example, you could do an activity that you'd really like to do that you don't normally get to do instead of having a party. I've done that a few times instead of inviting my whole family. There are lots of websites where you can find some interesting activities or attractions in your local area which helped me out a lot regarding what to do.

I have a confession to make... I'm older than you and still can't drive either! Smiley LOL My ophthalmologist wasn't concerned about me driving, but my eye problems get in the way of doing things completely to the point where I can't open them and focusing makes them even worse. Sometimes, I can't read the eye chart, so I'm not sure if I will be able to reapply for my licence in the future. It has been easier and more convenient for me to travel by public transport, especially as my eye problems seem to get triggered by being in cars and out of the house. Driving seems to be a problem with people with my condition. I don't think it's for me after all and it doesn't really appeal to me anyway. I don't think that my sister will be able to drive either.
But I know people who have lived full lives without ever driving. I know people older than us who don't know how to drive, including some of my extended family, but have still lead very active lives.There are also lots of benefits to going low car. Not driving all her life helped someone I know afford a house near a beach and be able to constantly travel back and forth interstate, when she just had a job as a barista. Public transport is actually starting to get quicker in my area than driving due to the amount of traffic too. Many people I've worked with actually prefer public transport and some have actually got rid of their cars. It can be hard because there are people who think that everyone should drive, which was driven by the government pushing for it decades ago, but I really think that cities work better when not everyone does.

Re: (TW?) Uni is destroying me

Hi @Hozzles

@WheresMySquishy has made an incredible post above! Heart I don't have much more to add to it, but I just wanted to thank you for reaching out- it means a lot to us that you have been open and honest about how you are feeling, and also sharing some of the wins you had. It sounds like there are a few big things happening in your life this coming month and I just wanted to let you know we are here for you Heart

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