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TW: Who am I and why does it matter?

Who am I? I don't know anymore. I don't know who to trust. I don't know how I feel. I don't know what to do to my self. I don't want to be friends with people anymore because even though I deeply and truly care for them, I don't want to hurt them. I don't have anyone to talk to and things have been getting better and worse and then worse again so I'm on here. Sexuality's a thing. I might be straight, I might be bi, I might be gay, I may be pan, I may be demisexual, I don't even know anymore. I don't have a specific attraction to girls, more guys, but if there was a really cool girl who I could emotionally connect with then I'd be cool with being together. But at the same time I wouldn't. I'm not homophobic, I completely support the gay friends I have, but it would just feel...wrong? I don't know. I don't know if my friends are really my friends. While I've been offline I've had my ups and downs. Mostly downs. I almost self harmed but I didn't. I almost just quit trying but I didn't. I don't want sympathy I just need to vent. I'm trying not to cry. I don't know why I'm crying, I just am. I'm not sad I'm just empty. I'm sick of being like this but I try to hang in there.

Peace, @Zeldasmile

 

Re: Who am I and why does it matter?

Hey @Zeldasmile it sounds like there are a lot of questions circling around your mind right now.
How does it feel to get them out of your head and posting them here?

I think it is totally normal to be unsure about your sexuality! As you said it's totally a thing and you could be any one of those things but you're not sure. For me, I like to think of it as an "I'll know when I know" type of thing. So maybe one day you'll connect with someone on a level where you want to date them and that's ok.
I kind of understand the feeling like dating someone of the same sex would be 'wrong' society has made such a stigma around same-sex dating/marriage that it's disgusting, and I guess if you've come from a traditional family/upbringing this may be a different thing to imagine for you, but I guess at the end of the day if you are happy that is all that matters <3 after all Love is love!

You mentioned that you have nearly self-harmed are you safe tonight?
I encourage you to reach out if you do feel unsafe tonight <3 x

 


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Re: Who am I and why does it matter?

Hey @Zeldasmile, while it sounds like there is a lot going on for you, you are keeping very strong. Thanks for hanging in there. It is okay to not have everything figured out, right now. These things are really complex and it is difficult to know how you feel sometimes. You also never have to rush into any decisions and can change your mind whenever you feel like it. How have you been looking after yourself throughout all of this and what supports do you have? If you are looking for a lovely place to explore this further, there is QLife available to chat Heart

Re: Who am I and why does it matter?

Hey @Bee and @Taylor-RO. Posting here does make me feel better but some problems are too personal for me to talk about, even anonymously. Sexuality was only one of the things I was thinking about and really one of the only things I felt comfortable sharing. I haven't really come from a traditional family, I'm an atheist and try at least to treat everyone equally. I do at least try to respect the opinions of more traditionally thinking people but god they're so thickheaded sometimes. I know a few people who are gay and bisexual and I don't have a problem with them just because of their sexuality. I am safe, it was the other day when I almost self harmed because things were getting pretty bad. I find it easier to talk about things when I'm asked questions, because then I know the kind of things that whoever's talking to me wants to know. I've spent most of my time in bed or really just isolating myself while at home. At school I stick with the people I trust most and that helps me get through. I've been taking long showers in the cold weather and just trying to be more of myself around other people. My friends seem to have been nicer lately so maybe the parts of me that I hide aren't as bad as I thought they were. Thanks again. Heart

Re: Who am I and why does it matter?

@scared01 this is kind of what's been going on so I hope this helps. There's been more personal stuff too but this kind of brushes over the surface.

Re: Who am I and why does it matter?

Hey @Zeldasmile thats alot happening for you. Well done on not self harming and for not  quitting too. 

 

Sexuality id definitely  everyone questions at some point, some people change but it doesnt change who you are as a person. I dont find labels all that good tbh i just try  to be me. 

 

Im also glad your friends are being nicer to you. Do you have any siblings? Sometimes  when im low or feeling unsafe i connect with siblings just like a card game or a board game. 

**NEVER be afraid to ask for help because your WORTH it!**

Re: Who am I and why does it matter?

Whoa okay @scared01 so this is kind of breaching into the personal territory but its not too bad. I do have siblings but they're half the problem. Constant fighting, not quite domestic or family violence, but pretty bad sometimes. I'm always having to stop something from happening and every time I leave the room they end up fighting. My mum kind of accuses me of making my little brother mean to my little sister so that doesn't make me feel great at all. I do recognise when she says that that I am emotionally numb and tend not to take other's feelings into account. Just a complete and utter lack of empathy on my part. So I isolate myself in my room. I'm too strict of a person, I'm too harsh, I'm not too far from being a fracking dictator. But I don't know. Its family stuff so...I don't know. I've only ever experienced my own family so I don't know what is normal. Things are harder with only one parent but mum seems to blame everything on that instead of taking into account literally anything else. I would give anything to just have a normal life. I hate being me sometimes so it is a bit harder to be myself. "Be yourself" they say. Yeah well when me being myself results in people calling anything from a dumb bitch to a fucking retard for saying something or 'WALKING TOO SLOWLY', I'm going to be just slightly less fucking inclined to be myself. Everyday, I have to go up stairs to go to classrooms, and I hate it. My school does have elevators but you need to get an elevator pass and I probably wouldn't be able to. The thing I hate about stairs is that any time I walk fast up them I get chest pains and need to take a breather for a minute. "You're just unfit", they say. No I'm bloody not! I have a perfectly healthy BMI, I'm not overweight or malnourished, I exercise regularly, I might just have asthma but last time I suggested that to my mum she said that was stupid and that I was just unfit. I get tight chest pains and difficulty breathing. Sounds like asthma, right? But no, every time that's suggested I just get ignored. I'm not looking for help with a health issue, I'm not seeking medical advice, I'm just talking about a day to day problem. My opinion never seems to matter. I don't even bother anymore. My opinion means jack shit. Nobody listens. Its always just " Shut up (zeldasmile), stop being a sook/bitch/attention seeker." I just get really fed up with it. Fine then, completely fucking ignore me, dipshit! That wasn't directed at anyone in particular, but damn people are dickfaces sometimes.

Re: Who am I and why does it matter?

That is alot to handle on your own @Zeldasmile do you have any mh support? 

 

Do you mind if i ask your age? Or if your over 16? 

**NEVER be afraid to ask for help because your WORTH it!**

Re: Who am I and why does it matter?

No I don't have any mh support. I'm 14 years old. @scared01, I tried asking someone about the school counsellor but they said their grandparents do know that they go so I don't know if I'd be able to go and actually get a pass to skip lessons to see the counsellor without my mum knowing. I just don't know. I don't know if I'd be comfortable talking to someone about it though. Last year when this all kind of started, I looked into my symptoms and concluded that it might be schizophrenia or psychopathy. I ended up dismissing the schizophrenia part but I do fit the symptoms of a psychopath.

Re: Who am I and why does it matter?

Ah still underage. Im pretty sure after your 16 or 17 you can seek medical attention yourself 

Do you think  speaking to someone else in the family might be helpful for at least your physical symptoms? 

 

Try not to self diagnose @Zeldasmile we often get caught up doing that. The best thing would be to see about supports. 

Did you know kidshelpline actually offers weekly counselling  sessions? Its confidential unless they think your at risk or someone else is. 

**NEVER be afraid to ask for help because your WORTH it!**