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TW: bipolar depression problems

Hi all, I have gone through a number of bouts of depression and hypomania over the last few months which is believed to be an underlying bipolar 2 which has been caused to emerge when I restarted my antidepressants. 

I had the worst depression ever about a month ago but with an addition of an antipsychotic plus an increase in a mood stabliser I seem to have finally come out the other side of it. However, I feel as though I am settling into the mood stabliser dose and I can feel the depression edging back. It feels so good to have life almost back to normal, so I am very hesitant to mention anything to my family, because as soon as I do, I am no longer really able to drive, work, get out and just be where I am at right now. 

During my last depression I was lucky to survive, but I had said to my mum, if my mood gets like this again, I am not making it through, this will be it. Last time there was an overwhelming feeling as if it was just my time to die in life and that it is so much easier than the recovery process. While my mood improved I still believed within that any drops in mood and this would be it. 

Right now my mood is fine, yet after a tiny bit of stress, I am already planning how to end things. 

I don’t know what to do but part of me does not want to do anything but let it happen. 

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Re: TW: bipolar depression problems

Hiya @xraychick, I am sorry to hear that you feel like you will not make it through your depression. It sounds like it has been a really low and overwhelming time for you in the last few months. I can't imagine how tough and scary it is to feel like your depression is edging back. I totally acknowledge how difficult everything must feel for you at the moment Heart Do you find your family to be supportive when you are feeling depressed? Or are you saying that they tend to limit the activites you are allowed to do?

Just to let you know, I have sent an email your way.

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Re: TW: bipolar depression problems

Hi @xraychick

I can see how you would be having a rough time at the moment. It is good to see that you can recognise when you are starting to fall into old habits. Have you got a trusted person that you can confide in? This may be a useless source who can have an outride opinion or suggestion. It is also great to hear that you don't want anything to happen. I think being able to be open with someone is a good starting point. 

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Re: TW: bipolar depression problems

Hi @xraychick,
I had depression before and I can understand how difficult you are, and particularly you are having hypomania episodes, that must be really tough for you. When I was in my recovery process, I also found that I could easily be overwhelmed and started to have some negative thoughts even though I was generally feeling better. I think this is a process where you start from depressed -> being a little bit better -> having normal life, but still overwhelmed -> and finally not often being depressed.
I think you really did a good job because you can recognise the signals of getting bad right now. There might be frustrations and relapse during this process, but don't force yourself too much being recovering quickly (thinking like why this happens again), it might bring you anxieties.
Hope you the best !!
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Re: TW: bipolar depression problems

@xraychick hi there, we are so sorry to hear that you have been feeling depressed, and overwhelmed by those depressive feelings as well. Is your Mum able to provide support for you right now, or anyone else you trust? It might be a good thing to practise self-compassion and lean on them to help you get through the low mood you are feeling right now. Do you have any strategies in place when things get like this that have worked (even a little bit) in the past? We are here to listen and provide guidance for you, should you feel open to it. 

 

Tay100

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Re: TW: bipolar depression problems

Hi @xraychick

Thanks so much for speaking up and sharing, it is such a brave thing to do, especially when you're feeling so low. I'm so sorry to hear it's been so tough, I completely empathise and understand how overwhelming the recovery process can feel at times. Is there anything small you can do for yourself day to day to help ground yourself? Even if it's just going for a 15-minute walk to give yourself some headspace or making time for things you enjoy? Just a tiny habit once a day? Sometimes it can be really hard to put yourself first or believe you are deserving of good things, but please remember you are, always and no matter what! The fact you're aware of what is going on and working to be so open is amazing, please remember how strong that is and how cool it is you're being open and seeking support, you are not alone! 

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Re: TW: bipolar depression problems

Hi @xraychick,
How are you feeling recently, haven't seen you for a while so I just wanna pop in and check whether things are going well with you. Are you feeling better for your depression recently? Please feel free to speak if you have some bad feelings!