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TW confused and feeling generally terrible

I don't understand.

I don't know why any of this is happening.

I don't know why no one will help me.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, or why everything's going so badly.

It just doesn't make sense...

If headspace had accepted my damn application or referred me to someone else. If the hospital had done it's freaking job. If I'd been actively enabled to make my own choices or choose my own therapist, maybe I'd have some sort of hope of getting better.

 

I'm tired. I don't want to keep going to the ED. All they do is send me home a few hours later.

I don't even have the energy to harm myself. I just want to sleep and not wake up.

 

I've been working so hard. I've spent so much time avoiding destructive coping strategies and so much effort finding better ones. 

But it's made no difference. I'm just so tired. 

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Re: TW confused and feeling generally terrible

Hi @Tiny_leaf 

 

I really sorry to hear about the experiences you have had in terms of getting support, it makes sense that you are feeling let down and feeling really tired. It can be so overwhelming when you are trying to get help and are finding barriers everywhere. Through reading your posts there is so much determination and resilience, you are so strong and really an inspiration, that doesn't change what you are going through one bit, but I wanted to let you know how hard you are working for yourself and the impact that has on others here Heart

 

I am glad that you can be honest about how you are feeling right now, it is important that we give ourselves space to feel. I did just want to check in, are you safe at the moment?

Re: TW confused and feeling generally terrible

Thank you @Claire-RO 

Yeah I'm safe. I had a nap and feel slightly less terrible,

Re: TW confused and feeling generally terrible

Hey @Tiny_leaf

I can hear that you are going through a really difficult time at the moment. I saw that you having a nap did make you feel better, but I wanted to check in with you. How are you feeling at the moment?

 

Re: TW confused and feeling generally terrible

@Andrea-RO mm.. still pretty terrible.. 

Plus my depression is causing self hate which is triggering my anxiety.

But everyone seems to automatically think that it's the other way around so they focus on treating the anxiety and wonder why it doesn't work. Smiley Indifferent

Re: TW confused and feeling generally terrible

Good Morning @Tiny_leaf 

 

That must be difficult for you. It's so hard when struggling with your mental health because so much of the battle happens silently in your own head and it's so hard to explain to others what it's actually like. 

 

Depression is really hard and like you lots of people experience anxiety as a result of it. It sucks when you get into a thought cycle of self hatred. Are there any techniques you've used to intervene when those kinds of thoughts start? 

 

I'm sorry things are hard right now - I want you to know you have our support Heart 

 

We're thinking of you. 

Re: TW confused and feeling generally terrible

@Bre-RO nope.

In theory I could use CBT techniques. But because my brain is f***ed, they normally either don't work for me or make things worse with my depression.

 

It sucks because whenever I start getting worse, people assume it's my anxiety's fault, and that does improve with CBT. Which does nothing for my depression, which remains untreated and gets worse. So they just do more CBT.

But because no one will freaking listen to me they always treat my anxiety first.

 

Anyway I can't even find a good reason for why I shouldn't hate myself.

So it looks like I'll just continue my downwards with practically no help! Yay. Smiley Indifferent

Re: TW confused and feeling generally terrible

Hey @Tiny_leaf 

 

That does suck - it feels so unfair that just when you need people to understand, is the time that people tend to misunderstand the most. 

 

Your frustration is real and valid. I know I've said this before but I think expressing this on some level could be a good way of exercising control in a situation that can leave you feeling quite powerless. Have you thought about writing a letter to your local MP? There's a really good article on how to contact your local MP with links to government pages you'd need. The article was written here for the purpose of contacting your local MP about climate change but you could write about your frustrations/experience with the health system. Also, how are you going with writing your complaint? 

 

We are here to let you vent because you are carrying a lot on your shoulders and deserve all the support in the world. You dedicate so much of your knowledge, time and energy to this community. You are so valued here Heart Your determination, ability to self-advocate and empathy are such admirable strengths. 

 

 

 

 

Re: TW confused and feeling generally terrible

Thank you @Bre-RO 

 

I want to but I don't have the ability to do a letter - anyway politicians just make a speech or promote an awareness week and call it a day.

 

I am going to try to talk to the hospital and headspace about how they've messed up recently.

My parents think its a waste of time though so they won't help me.

And I can't do it without help so yeah...

Re: TW confused and feeling generally terrible

Hi @Tiny_leaf,

 

I'm hearing that advocacy is feeling hard to do at the moment Heart 

 

Just reflecting on a few things you have touched on in your post. You've mentioned that support would be necessary if you were to raise your concerns with services, what supports would you need to be able to have these discussions? And are there other support people outside of your parents who may be able to provide that support?

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