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TW: drowning

First of all, I’m so sorry for just repeating this all the time. I know you guys say im not annoying or a burden but I feel like one so much. I find it so hard to see the positive as much as I try. I should be happy because I have a concert coming up and im going to Queensland but I just cant seem to make myself “happy”. Anyways this is a rant and yeah…and sorry for the new thread :/

 

I’ve lost so many friends due to drugs. I’m not saying I have done drugs its just im really considering it because I really need to drown myself in all this pain. Somehow lots of people found out which doesn’t make sense anyways point is ive put a strain in every single friendship at my school expect for 1. I legit have 1 friend at school and I only have 3 classes with her. I have about 3 friends out of school and thats it. But I dont even know if they’re my friends because fuck my life I just cant put effort in keeping friendships. Anyways enough about friendships !

 

I am so fucking depressed, like I just want to end it so bad. I am safe I just I feel like this constantly and no matter what I do these feelings and strong urges never go away. I always just want end it and I still dont know why im holding on. I generally just dont know when I was last “happy” or feeling slightly better than I usually do. 

 

Another thing bothering me is that I now officially dont have anytime this week to call my khl counsellor unless my mum leaves the house for an hour today. I really fucking need her so badddddddd.

 

Sorry for the rant, I feel like im missing one thing I wanted to rant about but oh well.

Re: TW: drowning

Hey @litgym, thanks for sharing with us, even though you're having difficult thoughts around being a burden.. (i'll just repeat again that you're not! ) 

Thank you for letting us know that you are safe - really important for that to always be the priority while you sort through these tough thoughts and emotions. 


Being 'happy' can feel like a pretty elusive goal hey... not the most tangible thing to aim for. 


I gather from what you've said, and said before - that calling KHL is only really an option when your mum isn't home. Is this because you don't want your mum knowing that you're struggling? Or because she doesn't allow you to use the phone? Sorry if I've misunderstood.. could you explain that a bit?

 

Sorry you're feeling this way @litgymHeart

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Re: TW: drowning

Hey @litgym, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so badly right now. I want to reiterate that you're not annoying or a burden, in fact it's brave of you to reach out and ask for support and I'm glad that you did. Also feel free to post about the other thing you wanted to talk about, there's no judgement here Heart

 

Thank you for letting us know that you're safe Heart those thoughts sound so intense and overwhelming. It must be especially difficult struggling with this while feeling disconnected from your friends. 

 

Perhaps you could try reaching out to a friend and asking if you can hang out with them after school or on the weekend? I know that it takes so much energy and effort to connect with friends when you're feeling low, but I usually find that being around others lifts my mood and keeps me safer in the end. 

 

I think it could be really helpful to try to find a way to talk to your KHL counsellor. Something I do when I'm in a similar situation is find a way to get out of the house - like say that I'm going to the library to study, or going to visit a friend - and then find somewhere safe and quiet to sit and make my phone call. We're also here to listen Heart

 

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Re: TW: drowning

hey @gina-RO Heart

im not necessarily saying "happy" but just not being depressed 24/7 and maybe actually smile or have fun but I just cant. 

 

I definitely dont want my mum knowing and if she found out  how im reaching out to helplines she's going to get real pissed that I dont open up to her and that always tell her "im fine" when im not. everything is just all too much.

Re: TW: drowning

hey @DruidChild

thanks Heart my ex-friends aren't even good friends. they are pretty shitty and toxic towards me. i do still hangout with some friends but its all to much effort. 

 

I would get out of the house but im still in my pjs and ive made it pretty clear to my mum that i want to lie in bed all day. its far too suspicious if I said I was going to the library even though I have 2, 5mins from my house. if I ever go to my park for a walk its always for 20 mins so it suddenly went to like 1 and half, my mum would think im up to something.

Re: TW: drowning

Hey @litgym, I'm sorry to hear your friends were toxic people, that really sucks. I understand that sometimes it's just too much effort Heart I'm sorry if it's something you've spoken about on here before, but have you ever spoken to a school counsellor or to a GP or other health professional? If you've been feeling like this for some time, they might be able to support you to feel better alongside your KHL counsellor. Sometimes there are specific therapies or medications that can alleviate those depressed feelings a lot. 

 

What could you do to show yourself some kindness and do some self care today? 

When I'm feeling extremely depressed, sometimes it's very simple things that help the most - having a glass of water, taking any meds you have, having a shower and putting on clean clothes, or tidying your living space and putting on a fave tv show. Or there might be other things that could distract you like colouring in or reading. 

 

I hear you about your mum; parents can be so hard, I definitely empathise. Do you feel that talking to your mum about how you feel might be an option in the future? I know it's really hard with parents, but having a family member who understand what you need can be really helpful. In the meantime, is your counsellor able to do web counselling at all? Or could you send them an email? 

 

Huge hugs. We are here to listen Heart

Re: TW: drowning

@DruidChild im on meds and i see a psychologist.

 

i might get changed and then go for a walk and at least attempt to get into contact with my khl counsellor. if i cant get through to her i will ask her if she can swap to webchat  for me, if not ill send an email.

 

my mum and i dont have that relationship - its real complicated. i dont have any other family members. 

Re: TW: drowning

Cool @litgym, I hope I didn't sound condescending about that btw - just wasn't sure which options you'd explored already Smiley Happy 

 

That sounds like a good plan, let us know how you go getting in touch with your counsellor Heart

 

Re: TW: drowning

@DruidChild dw it’s all goodHeart

i actually spoke to my counsellor for a longggg time which is really good but unfortunately it was on webchat but at least i got in contact with her ! i had a good cry but i still feel very mad/insane and on the edge.

Re: TW: drowning

I'm glad that you were able to get in contact with her @litgym, sometimes a good cry can really help hey Heart What have you got planned for tonight to take care of yourself?