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Re: TW: managing my safety and depression

I've got a little bit of time, what's on your mind?

 

WOOOOO! That is amazing! You should be so incredibly proud of yourself, that is so tough but so great. You are so powerful, it is inspiring.

Re: TW: managing my safety and depression

@queenP Well this is really confusing and I’m sorry if you don’t understand but it started in primary school in like grade 4. I lived 35 minutes from school and I lived in a small town so the buss ride to and from school was just trees on either side. Well it started with this person saying I had to sit up as straight as I could and squeeze every muscle in my body every time we went past a little side post thing and there were so many.. like one every 3 meters. And between them I’d have to relax my muscles. Then when my pop was in Hobart in the hospital which was like 5 hours from where I lived, I had to keep doing it but the person in my head was counting the number of poles I went over and if I missed one that number started again. I had to get the same amount of numbers as the amount of poles on the way to Hobart or my pop would die but I never knew the number. That’s one thing and I still have to do it or we’ll be in a car accident.

Another thing is simply just scratching when I have an itch. I have to scratch the other side, the same amount of times in the exact same spot and if it left a mark on one side then I had to make one on the other.

Another thing is I can’t do a skill at training or let anyone else do a skill if there is a piece of foam out of the pit or someone will die or be seriously injured (the person doing the skill).

Also when I look at an object there are like imaginary lines that continue on from every straight edge so a square would basically be a hashtag as every side keeps going.. this is the same with everything and I can’t let any lines cross.

At the start of last year the voice told me to do something and I decided for the first time I’d ignore that voice and it told me to do something or else bella will die (my dog) and she did 😥 after not listening to the voice my step dad lost his job, pop was back in hospital, my step dads man had the really bad fall with stitches across her head and her face fully bruised, 2 people died, I moved schools and house and the list goes on. I don’t believe I’d ever be able to ignore the voice after the guilt I was put through after this. It was absolutely horrible and I believed that I did not deserve to live after the pain I believe I put people through and the people that died because of me

Yea there are a lot more things than this but I’m not sure if it’s ocd or not so I’m gonna try see a psychologist! When I find one..

Re: TW: managing my safety and depression

Oh and on Instagram I can’t watch a video or read or look at the post if there are any words cut off my screen. It has to be lined up. And if I watch any stories then I have to watch at least 5 so that if i press the home button again the stories that are shown are all watched and I can’t see half of them unwatched.. like they all need the grey circle around them. Same with Snapchat and YouTube for the first one and reach out for the first one and everything for the first one really..

Re: TW: managing my safety and depression

I just had a dream with 6 suicides in my close family 😥

Re: TW: managing my safety and depression

That sounds terrifying @Bananatime04 . Are you okay? 

 

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Re: TW: managing my safety and depression

Oh @Bananatime04, I know how scary that feeling can be. I know for me, it often feels like I am 'compelled' to do something. Pushing against this feeling or ignoring it is difficult, but it was one of the things that helped me break free of my compulsions and the cycle of anxiety and guilt. I would highly recommend that you seek out a psychologist, because the process of arguing against your own mind is best done with the consultation of a professional who knows how to help you.

 

I am also sorry about your dream, that must have been very frightening. When I have dreams that disturb me, I try and rewrite the ending of them in a journal according to what I would have preferred to happen. Would you want to give this a try? 

Re: TW: managing my safety and depression

Sorry @mspaceK @queenP and @Tiny_leaf
I took a little break because I was really scared I’d post the wrong thing and I’ve also been a bit busy lately
I’m kinda ok I guess.. I’m not really sure. I’m kinda numb but I’m safe Smiley Happy
How have you all been?

Re: TW: managing my safety and depression

Hey @Bananatime04.
That’s okay, we all take breaks sometimes.

I’m glad to hear that you’re safe. Numb feelings are normal, as I have experienced a lot.

I’ve been pretty down, but for reasons you’ve already read on my thread.

How have you been? You gave me some great support last night!

Re: TW: managing my safety and depression

Thanks @xXLexi_Lou122Xx Smiley Happy
Last night after you went to sleep I just read some posts from the start of the year and literally had a breakdown 😕 I couldn’t stop crying but I done the right thing and went on beyondblue so I’m ok now.
Right now I am feeling so unmotivated but I have a birthday thing today and I’m going to see good boys at the cinemas with some of my friends Smiley Happy hopefully that will be a good distraction for me
What are your plans today?

Re: TW: managing my safety and depression

Hey @Bananatime04, I'm sorry to hear that you had a bit of a breakdown, but way to go for using your coping strategies and reaching out to Beyond Blue. It is so fantastic that you know exactly what you need to do and what works for you when things aren't feeling right.

 

I am good! I have packed up all of my belongings and am ready to get the keys to my new apartment in a few days, which is very exciting! I also have a job interview on Wednesday which I am very excited about.

 

Have fun at the movies!