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TW the past is still hurting me so much

So, this is going to be pretty long. Probably too long honestly... 

Anyway, if you're likely to be triggered by reading about hallucinations, trauma, bad medical professionals or just lots of unhappiness, please don't read this. 


A couple of years ago, I was (badly) coping with a lot of stuff. My friend got really worried for my safety told my school psychologist, who referred me to another service. 

My case manager there (I'll call her CM) was really dismissive.

She basically diagnosed me with mild anxiety, despite not being qualified to diagnose me with anything.

CM told me we'd be working on my anxiety using CBT, which was just her telling me to get more sleep, so that I'd be less anxious apparently. 


During this time, my hallucinations got worse. They changed from a just a voice to a figure. It would hurt me, over and over again.

Roughly every week, I'd hallucinate myself being slowly murdered. It hurt so much every time.

My school psychologist, emailed CM to tell her. CM refused to even acknowledge the hallucinations.

She said that I was making her guess what was wrong with me. When I reminded her of the email, she said that she had to hear me say it before she'd do anything. But I couldn't. 

This lasted for six months. No proper therapy, no medications, nothing. She eventually handed me over to another case manager.


It was around this time I got a hallucination while at my friend's house.

And instead of hurting me, I had to watch it hurt her.

It wasn't real, she couldn't even feel it. But I saw all of it.

I tried to get in between them. She pushed me back, gently but with enough strength that I couldn't get past her. There was nothing I could do but watch it.

Her dad found me crying on the floor, with her hugging me. He called my dad, and took me to the emergency room. 

I only remember bits of what happened. I remember the blood pressure cuff and various other monitors. I remember shaking from fear. I remember strangers standing over me, asking questions. My friend was there the whole time, but it only helped a bit. 


The rest of the story involves a two week hospital stay, various medications, misdiagnoses, and dismissive medical staff.

And now I have to deal with the fallout. 


The misdiagnoses meant that I was unnecessarily put on a medication with many side effects.

One of them was that it numbed me emotionally. 

I'm being weaned of it now, and already I miss it.

Everything feels hyper-realistic. I didn't think I'd get so reliant on that numbing feeling. I didn't even know there was a numbing feeling, until I stopped getting it.

I didn't even need to be on that medication, but they were too certain their stupid diagnosis was right that they didn't even look into it.


I'm still freaked out by anything that reminds me of that emergency department.

Going to my grandfather's nursing home fills me with panic. It feels like the whole building is there just to lure me into that situation again, to get me to lower my guard just long enough that I can't get back out, like when I was in the ED.


After my experiences with CM and my other case manager, I find trusting any medical professionals really hard. 

I triple check every diagnosis.

I look up every possible treatment, and check for any test or condition they may have missed.

I don't go to doctors for information or advice, I find that myself.

I simply go to recommend tests that I can't do myself, or get a specific referral.

I'm being my own GP, with no training and no pay, because I'm not sure I can trust anyone else to be. 


And then there's the trauma from the hallucinations themselves. 

I can't shower, since that's where the worst hallucinations happened. The sound of the water's now enough to put me in a kind of trance, with flashbacks so vivid I sometimes think I'm hallucinating again, until I realize there's no sound.

If I'm honest, part of the reason I'm re-doing my room is just to get rid of everything triggering.

No one will even consider PTSD, because it's from hallucinations. But I have almost all of the symptoms.


I'm angry and bitter. The people who were meant to help me stood by and let this happen. They even caused some of it themselves.

I don't feel ready to let go of that anger. It all feels so raw. It's all still affecting me, both psychologically and with my treatment. And no one, no one apologized. No one even acknowledged the impact it's had on me.

I hate them for doing this to me, CM especially. I hate that I have to bear the consequences of their actions and inaction, while they go on with their lives. I hate that I even hate them. It's not in my nature to hate anyone. But now I do, and it feels so wrong.

I don't want to spend my life running away from the many things that trigger flashbacks. I don't want to spend my life undoing the damage others have done. I don't want this constant bitterness. But I don't know what else to do.


Re: TW the past is still hurting me so much

Hi @Tiny_leaf,


To share how you are feeling, and some of the most painful experiences, is not easy; it is brave and courageous Heart Thank you for trusting us and openly speaking up about what you been through and are going through- it shows incredible strength to share your story Heart Thank you.


I am so sorry to hear the heartbreaking experiences you have had in seeking help so far- it's not okay for health services to treat you the way they have Heart It sounds like there have been a series of misdiagnosis and treatment that has really made a big impact on how you are feeling at the moment, and that is such a tough space to be in. Have you spoken/reported to anyone about some of the experiences you had in hospital and with the CM? 


You have also mentioned that you have taken some steps to reduce some of the triggers in your environment, and have been working really hard on finding ways of getting through those most difficult emotions. I can hear trust is really hard for you with the recent experiences you have had accessing services Heart Is there anyone you trust (doesn't need to be a professional, but someone you know will listen) to talk to about some of the experiences you are having with the flashbacks? 


It would have taken so much strength to write this post, and I can see how much thought you have put into sharing your story. We are holding so much hope for you, seeing the resilience, compassion and understanding that you bring to this community every day Heart 


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Re: TW the past is still hurting me so much

@Jess1-RO thank you.


I have reported CM to her organisation. I was given no information or reassurance that anything would be done. She still works there in I think the same position.


And I have my friend, but she finds hearing about them really distressing... 


Re: TW the past is still hurting me so much

Hi @Tiny_leaf
Firstly I just have to say from reading what happened I'm so sorry that you had an experience like that with CM! That makes me feel so frustrated that there are people in the mental health field like that Smiley Sad
I can completely understand that when we have our experiences acknowledged then it makes us feel valid.
Sorry you had to go through that.
I know you mentioned finding it hard to trust professionals, do you think this might change in the future? There are really good psychologists out there, and not so great ones unfortunately, but the good ones can really assist with symptoms and coping.
Please keep us updated on how you go

Re: TW the past is still hurting me so much

Hi @Tiny_leaf! Thank you so much for sharing your story. I think you're being so brave. It puts a smile on my face to see how you're so keen to support others when you're going through a hard time yourself.

I totally get your anger towards the case manager and other people involved in your care. It's not fair how they treated you. I think what they did was very wrong. No one should have to go through what you have gone through. Sometimes, the healthcare system fails the people who need it the most. I find that a lot of people in it don't understand how callous their words and actions can be. I have no idea how some passed their training or sleep well at night. Part of being a good health professional is to know what your limits are when it comes to treating people and showing respect for your patient or client. I'm sorry that you ended up with some bumbling bozos who clearly didn't have your best interests at heart. I hope the rheumatologist will hopefully be better than them, although I understand if you don't want to get your hopes up given how you've been treated in the past. Heart


Re: TW the past is still hurting me so much

Thank you @missep.

I don't think that'll change easily...

I can't afford having anymore setbacks like that, and I don't want to trust anyone new too quickly.

I could probably learn to trust specific professionals over time, but it's so hard for me to find ones who are actually trustworthy... either almost all of the medical is seriously messed up, or I just have terrible luck with it. 


Re: TW the past is still hurting me so much

@WheresMySquishy thank you.

And as for the sleeping at night, it's fairly simple I think. They just blame the patient. Smiley Frustrated  I could feel CM getting increasingly frustrated with me when I didn't magically get better...


And with the rheumatologist, I'm hopeful but really cautious as well...


Re: TW the past is still hurting me so much

@Tiny_leaf  I think you could be right about some professionals. The nurses at one of the hospitals my sister was in suggested her pain was behavioural and that she was faking it when she didn't respond to the medications they put her on. Smiley Mad Her pain specialist stupidly wrote what they said in his reports to other services. Turns out her condition doesn't respond to the prescribed medications and her current hospital has just told us they could be making her chronic pain worse. The new pain specialist told us that they don't recommend and perform the kinds of procedures her old pain specialist was doing. She finally got admitted so they are trying to slowly wean her off some of the medications and treat her with non-pharmacological means. It makes me even angrier at that other doctor. I wish she could have got a second opinion. It would have saved us so much time and pain.

I'm really glad you had the courage to report the CM even if nothing came of it. I hope that it ends up being recorded that she has a complaint against her. I've heard that in some cases, patients can see the complaints made against someone.


Re: TW the past is still hurting me so much

@WheresMySquishy Smiley Mad Grr... I'm lucky at least that I can tell everyone to completely disregard the dodgy report I got, and now I can show them an accurate one instead...

It sucks when medications make things worse, especially when they weren't even needed in the first place.


And hopefully... I did ask what action had been taken, apparently they weren't allowed to tell me...

From what I can gather, she got told off and then continued on as normal. 


Re: TW the past is still hurting me so much

@Tiny_leaf I can relate to trouble experiences with health professionals. It's unfortunate, but it does happen. I hope you remember that you deserve to get help and don't deserve to be treated dismissively. You deserve to be validated <3. How are you feeling today.