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TW- what’s holding me back from suicide?

Well I’ve been struggling with questions of the meaning of life and I have no idea what to think on that area but someone told me ages ago that when you commit suicide you go to hell.. I still don’t know what I believe in yet but that has stopped me from taking my life but I still want to die. It’s like I’m just waiting in pain but I can’t do it because I’m scared for what will happen. Like I can’t die without it being suicide and if hell is real that’s where I’ll go. I don’t want that to happen so I’m just waiting. Waiting for my last day but then again a tiny part of me still wants to live and go on with my life and work towards my goal but it is so painful to just sit here with all these mental illnesses. I really want it to be over but I cannot do it without it being me that’s taking my life. I’m not sure what to think here because I’m struggling with 3 things.. mental health, wanting to die and then what to think about the meaning of life/what will happen after I die. I am not going to kill myself but I do not want to keep fighting like this because I am finding it really hard to get help that helps. 

Please don’t judge me for saying stuff about hell or anything.. this was really hard to post and I’ve actually been thinking about this for a couple months but have been too scared to post about it. I am not saying I believe in hell or believe that you go to hell if you take your own life, I’m saying I have absolutely no idea and that’s so scary to me that I actually will never know and it’s been getting to me lately. I’ve also been thinking stuff like it’s all meaningless and nothing happens after death and there is no purpose that you just live and that it.. but I don’t know that for a fact and I am struggling so much with this and have been really down and not thinking straight. Also partly why I have been posting a lot of triggering stuff lately because I’ve been holding this in and can’t control my thoughts cause I have too many at once and also why I haven’t been on the forums much at all lately between my voices. 

I’m sorry for just going on and on..

@xXLexi_Lou122Xx @Tiny_leaf @dncinginthedirt @queenP @N1ghtW1ng @DruidChild @Maddy-RO @Jess1-RO @mspaceK 

Re: TW- what’s holding me back from suicide?

@Bananatime04 saying that was really brave. 

I'm not judging you at all. I personally don't believe in a hell, but lots of people do, or are questioning it. 

 

I know exactly that waiting feeling. It's so painful and overwhelming...

Firstly, try to take things one day at a time, or an hour at a time, or even a minute at a time. For a couple of months I could only think ahead ten seconds without feeling crushed by all of the time I had to wait.

If you need to take things ten seconds at a time, that's okay.

One of the things about being suicidal is that every minute you're still alive is a victory, even if it doesn't feel that way. The way I thought of it was looking back on all of those little victories. I'd won so many, so I could win one more.

 

One more thought that helped me was this: "Well. I've got decades to wait before I die. Might as well make it good."

 

 

Mental illness.. is complicated and messy and difficult.

For me it feels almost like I'm a bird whose wing was broken. Everything changed and I couldn't "fly" to where I needed to go. Like I was just.. stumbling around and flapping uselessly. 

I wanted to just.. get back to flying, to get better and just have it fixed. 

I think that coping with it involves two parts:

•Letting the wing heal, working on getting it healthy again

•Learn to live well, even with the broken wing. Stuff like this won't heal instantly, and you need something in the meantime. (learn coping strategies, life hacks, anything that could make it all slightly easier. 

 

I don't personally believe in an afterlife. Even when I really wanted to, I just couldn't convince myself.

I think of it like "I'm a random blob of carbon. I.. can think, I can feel. I have a.. life now.. huh. May as well do something with it." 

Because if I'm going to be a random, meaningless blob I may as well enjoy it.

Re: TW- what’s holding me back from suicide?

Hi @Bananatime04, thanks for being so brave to make this thread. Just having a look through what you've written, it sounds like some of these thoughts have been really scary to think about. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain - having been in a similar place myself I can relate to what it's like for you at the moment. Heart

 

You mentioned that there is a tiny part of you that wants to live and keep working towards your goal - please hold onto this. Even though you have said that you're not going to kill yourself, I really encourage you to use the courage that motivated you to make this post and call Lifeline on 13 11 14. If you have turned 15, you can also call Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467. Being qualified counsellors, they are the best people to be able to talk about things like this, particularly when you're in such a painful place.

 

We're always here for you. Please let us know how you go. Heart

Re: TW- what’s holding me back from suicide?

Hey @Bananatime04. I wish I could help right now, but I have to go to school. I'm also in a bad headspace, so just hold on for me. I promise I'll be on after school. Hugs.❤

Re: TW- what’s holding me back from suicide?

Hi @Bananatime04. I completely agree with @mrmusic and what everyone else has said - hold onto the light at the end of the tunnel and keep it in sight. If there is a part of you that does want to live, that wants to achieve your goals and have a great life, that is absolutely amazing and shows how much of a fighter you are. You are one of the strongest people I know, and I cannot wait until you can fulfil your dream of becoming a KHL counsellor and moving to Brisbane so you can meet your current KHL counsellor (if that is still your plan Smiley Very Happy). If you're continuing to feel suicidal today, please reach out to KHL and have a chat. 

 

I know from firsthand experience how tough it can be to live with mental health challenges, and I can completely understand how scary and hopeless it can feel. But I promise you that there are ways and strategies to not only survive, but thrive and have a wonderful, joy-filled life. I know that nothing I can say will pull you from the dark place you are currently in, but please know that I am sitting in this dark ditch with you, and I will be here with you until you get out. We are all in this together, and we are all behind you. I know it's hard, I do, but let's take it one day at a time together. 

 

Sending all my love and support your way. I will be thinking of you today, my little trooper Heart

Re: TW- what’s holding me back from suicide?

@Bananatime04  I'm just here to say how brave it is for you to speak up about these thoughts. and to say that there is no judgement here. Heart

 

As others have said, holding onto that part of you that wants to live, is really important right now. I don't know if you've ever made a safety plan with the beyondnow app, but part of the plan that can be helpful, is making a list of your reasons to live. For a lot of people, those reasons may seem small - like the smell of coffee in the morning, or the sound of birds, or experiences you haven't yet had, or even "might as well". 

 

Thank you  @Tiny_leaf  for openly sharing your experience of similar thoughts too - I loved reading the thoughts that helped you. It takes guts to speak about thoughts of suicide Heart

Another thought that might be helpful for you @Bananatime04 is - " If i'm willing to die and lose everything, I might as well live and see what happens". It sounds counter productive, but I've worked with people for whom it's been very helpful. Whatever thought or strategy is helpful for you - work with that, and build on that. 

 

Your thoughts on the meaninglessness of life are tough ones to unpack. It's part of being a human to question what life is all about. Like others have said, chatting them through with a counselor could be helpful. You might also want to read some books that go through these kind of thoughts? . I havent read all of the books on this list, so take them with a grain of salt, but a few of these might be helfpul for you.

 

Heart

 

_____________________________________________
I'm leaving ReachOut on the 5th of June Smiley Sad Say goodbye here

Re: TW- what’s holding me back from suicide?

Hey I’m so sorry for not replying guys.. I have not had the time and have been a bit distressed after worrying what yous would reply with if you even did but it has made me so happy reading through all of them.. I really appreciate it x
Also wanted to say @Tiny_leaf I think that’s what I’m doing now.. I don’t believe in anything else after this but I think I’m still questioning it only because I really want there to be something else. I just can’t convince myself. So I guess I’m kinda similar to you.

I will try all your suggestions/advice and will let yous know how it goes.. I just don’t wanna be constantly thinking of the meaning of life and there being no purpose and just consistently fighting thoughts. I really need to get rid of them but I’m struggling with that so much.

And it’s so good to hear from you @queenP! I have missed talking to you so much and when I read your reply it made me feel like someone actually cares about me.. I don’t know if you do but it made me feel like.. i honestly don’t even know. But it got to me for some reason.. sorry. Next time you are on can we have a chat? It’s been sooo long and I miss them a lot!
@mrmusic unfortunately I’m not 15 yet.. still got a few months to go but I will contact lifeline or khl the next time I am feeling suicidal instead of posting on here.. I think that’s one of my biggest mistakes! I’m sorry you can relate to how I feel tho.. it is really hard and so painful.
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx there is no pressure to talk to me xx especially if you are in a bad headspace yourself! I am here for you too and you don’t have to be here for me!
@gina-RO thank you so much ❤️ I do already have a plan that I made with beyondblue but I’m not sure where it is.. I stopped using it when I got the one I made with Jess1-RO but I can make another one? Do you think I should? I am sorry but I’m not a real book fan! Sorry I absolutely hate reading unless it’s about other people struggling when I can relate or if I can respond to them and give my opinion. So if the book talked back to me then I’d love reading but I’m sorry it’s not really my thing. I’ll still have a look tho! Cheers

I know this is probably very weird but I don’t feel suicidal atm.. after reading those I just wanna give it another shot and forget about what I’ve tried to do but then I keep reminding myself of other things but they don’t stay.. I feel so different tonight but I guess I can’t talk too soon.
Thank you so much everyone!!!

Re: TW- what’s holding me back from suicide?

@Bananatime04 would you like a few ideas on how to cope with that?

I'm pretty at peace I guess with the idea of there not being an afterlife, but it did take me a while..

It gets better, it'll just take some time.

 

Also, if it's the actual reading part you don't like, have you tried audio books/ podcasts?

Re: TW- what’s holding me back from suicide?

@Tiny_leaf I’m coping pretty well right now but I wouldn’t mind some ideas for the future if that’s ok?
I have tried audiobooks and I just don’t have the patience.. it’s not something I can do for probably any longer than 10 minutes. I will try to tho!
And I just noticed I did not reply to you whole post.. I just said something about one thing you said so I’ll just reply now if that’s ok? I’m so sorry!!!

Re: TW- what’s holding me back from suicide?

That's fine! And I know what you mean.. I can't pay attention to someone speaking for very long but it seems to work for some people.

 

And I'll type up some of those ideas now, it may take a while since my brain is only half processing words atm for some reason...