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TW? :(

Hi, so everything just really hurts and I'm scared it can't ever be different. I feel so broken and like nothing good will ever come out of my life. There seems to be something inherently wrong with me that separates me from everyone else and that makes it so hard to see a point... me being gone wouldn't hurt anyone (some people would be better off), and me being here hurts a lot, and I wish those things weren't the case but they really are, and that's just so hard..

Re: TW? :(

Hi there @hellofriend,

Sounds like things were really painful and overwhelming last night - how are you feeling this morning? Did you get any sleep?

 

You mentioned thoughts about "being gone", and I want to ask if you've been thinking about suicide? If you have, it's important to tell someone else about this - who could you tell?
There are a few things you can try if you're having overwhelming thoughts  - reaching out to someone you trust, or to a professional such as those over at Lifeline  on 13 11 14, or the KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800 . You can also echat if that's better for you.

 

Let us know how you are today, and look out for an email in your inbox too. Heart

 

 

 

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Re: TW? :(

Hey, thanks @gina-RO...

Still feeling pretty bad because its all still true, but I did get some sleep and it's a bit less overwhelming now. I am thinking about suicide, and I do talk to KHL (who know about that). I find that for me talking to KHL can help if it's life problems that I know are more trivial/ temporary that I find hard anyway, but with big stuff like this that isn't situational and doesn't seem fixable I find it less helpful. I mean sometimes having someone act like they care makes it less painful in the moment, but it also gets a bit awkward having the same sad conversation over and over (because the problem never goes away) and it never reaching a resolution. I'll maybe give them a call in a couple of hours when my usual counselor is in though, see if it helps this time

 

(Also isn't lifeline 13 11 14?)

Re: TW? :(

@hellofriend I'm glad you got some sleep - Big feelings and thoughts might still be there, but everything is just a bit more manageable with a solid sleep under your belt. 

That's good you chat to KHL and that they are helpful sometimes  - calling them later sounds like a good plan.

I hear what you're saying about things never reaching a resolution if the problems still exist when you get off the phone/ call them again... could you look at things more in terms of living with and accepting thoughts and feelings - and living in line with your values despite these things - rather than getting rid of them? 

 

Ah yes thank you for that!! it is indeed Smiley HappySmiley Happy 

 

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Re: TW? :(

@gina-RO Probably not... The thoughts and feelings (and realities) suggest to me that I shouldn't be alive, so I don't think I can accept those and also live a meaningful life, they don't seem compatible

Re: TW? :(

@hellofriend , hmm yeh i can see how they aren't compatible.
There's a thing (strategy) called cognitive defusion that you could bring up with your KHL counselor, or with a counselor in person,  if you're interested in learning more. It's a process where you learn to distance yourself from your thoughts, and it can help in feeling less distressed by the thoughts - whatever they are.  Its more about noticing thoughts, than trying to change them. It can be a useful tool for some - but isn't for everyone. Heart

 

Were you able to get some support today? 

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Re: TW? :(

Hey @hellofriend Heart

This thread has really pulled at my heartstrings... I can relate to what you're posting here. It's really tough, isn't it? Smiley Sad

It seems like you're pretty savvy when it comes to seeking help, which is awesome! I'm wondering what's worked for you in the past? You mention that your struggle is ongoing, but you've made it to this point. That takes resilience no matter what the thoughts in our heads say.

I'm also just wondering what you think would be most helpful for you right now? Did you want to find some ways to deal with the feelings, or is it more a matter of just talking at the moment? Either way, we're here Heart

Let us know how the chat with KHL goes Smiley Happy
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No human being, however great or powerful, was ever so free as a fish

Re: TW? :(

Thanks @lokifish and @gina-RO.

I'm sorry this is something you relate to @lokifish, it is indeed tough Smiley Sad

I guess that what's got me through to this point is really wanting to live a life that benefits the world, and connect with other people, and feel happy, and that while those things don't seem possible, they'll be completely ruled out if I kill myself.

I feel a bit better after talking to KHL. We spoke about the thoughts/ feelings, and about a couple of situational things that were impacting and being impacted by them, and I feel a lot better about one of those situations now. Also did appreciate someone listening and acting like they cared (which I'm appreciating from here too, btw).

I'm not 100% sure what it is I'm looking for here, I think the talking is good, and I'm definitely not opposed to suggestions on how to deal with feelings. I'd probably weigh up how likely I thought they were to help with how much energy they'd require to decide if I'd actually try them, so sorry if that ends up offending or frustrating anyone. Heads up that's also probably relevant for talking (I might stop replying if it feels too hard). But yeah I'll always appreciate the expressions of people caring/ offering suggestions even if I'm not always the best at showing that

Re: TW? :(

@hellofriend I'm glad that KHL were able to help Smiley Happy

And that's totally okay. Everyone here is different and not everything people say will 'click' with you. There's never any pressure to reply to posts either. Do what works for you and to hell with everything else Smiley Tongue

What've you got on for the rest of the evening?
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No human being, however great or powerful, was ever so free as a fish

Re: TW? :(

@hellofriend We are absolutely here to listen, and show our care (which is genuine btw!).  

Totally get that you need to do the things that sit right with you, taking in account your energy levels, and what you know about how you work, and what usually helps. 

 

The aspirations you have for your life are wonderful - really good reasons to stay alive. They sound super achievable to me- I've already seen the way you positively impact others and connect with people through the posts you've made on this forum ... your responses to others show a lot of genuine care, and deep understanding of other's emotions - a skill that really helps others  Heart

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