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The monsters are back

I feel numb again. I feel ugly and unimportant. I feel fat. I hate going to work, everything makes me tired. The only thing keeping me floating is my boyfriend. The nightmares are back some nights. I can't have a break from work because then I'd have to explain why. I feel not good enough. The worst thought the other day, I was thinking about grandpa. He passed away when I was 12, I sat beside his bed and watched him close his eyes for the last time, say his last words. He had this medicine that he wouldn't take that I thought might cure what was happening. I went in well mum and granny were in the other room and tried to get him to take it thinking it would reverse what horrible thing happened afterwards. He wouldn't take it, I couldn't get him to. Now the voices are back and there blaming me. It's my fault, if I'd had got him to take that medicine he would've lived. 

Its pathetic but it's haunting me and I can't talk to my boyfriend about it because he'll probably think I'm crazy. 

Thoughts out- thanks for reading this far. Xx

Re: The monsters are back

Hey @CassyLeexxx thank you for sharing your story with us Smiley Happy It sounds like you're going through a lot right now. Have you ever spoken to a counselor or someone like that?
It's not pathetic to feel this way, everyone reacts differently to things and that's okay. Do you have any strategies that you use to help you?

Re: The monsters are back

No I haven't spoken to anyone. I can't even tell my own boyfriend. 

I don't know. I usually just distract myself. Colour, read, even play the PlayStation. But I don't have time with work at the moment I come straight home and go to sleep. I can't exactly ask for time off because I'm not telling my boss. I'll just have to get over it

Re: The monsters are back

hi @CassyLeexxx, sounds like a lot has been happening. I'm glad you have your boyfriend to keep you afloat. It's understandable that you're afraid to tell to your boyfriend what's happening - I mean who isn't afraid of judgement? In saying that, I just wanted to acknowledge how brave you are to share this with us Heart

Is finding some time off work important to you?

Re: The monsters are back

Hey @CassyLeexxx sounds like a really tough time you are going through Smiley Sad

The way you are feeling is definitely not pathetic - it seems like you are still processing what happened. It's understandable that you are finding it really hard to talk to anyone about these feelings - reaching out is tough! It's great that you feel that your boyfriend is able to help keep you afloat and that you have some hobbies that help to distract you. Am I right in thinking that work is pretty full on at the moment and using up a lot of your energy?

Do you think seeking help from a doctor or someone would be something you might find helpful sometime in the future?