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This is a long awaited confession

***Viewer discretion is advised for people struggling with suicidal thoughts or depression, if you are known to get triggered from reading depressing stories, don’t read this one***

 

Ever since I was a child in grade 1 at about 7 years of age I’ve been left out completely pushed away from groups. I was the kid that would get pushed shoved and bullied because I was different. 

 

I have red red hairy and freckles, which a big no no when it comes to primary school. I was made fun of and laughed at by other children. I felt like an outsider, of coarse teachers never noticed and my parents just couldn’t see my motivation to live life  diminishing. I have no reason to commit suicide because I have finally opened up to a counsellor online and he mentioned this website. These feelings of complete loneliness, anxiety and depression have been compiling for about 11 whole years, some days I would just stay awake and cry only to wake up the next day to go back to bed crying again. I still haven’t made any friends in high and I’m not sure how long I can last, that is staying in school. 

 

Ive tried making friends but all I get is strange looks and judgmental eye gazes. This of coarse has been bottled up and I’m fed up. I’m seeking help. Anyone to just make me happy for a day, for me to not feel like a useless human being.

 

i should have seeked help before but I couldn’t find the motivation to do so. I would lay in bed missing school so I didn’t have to look at myself in the mirror and think what could I have done. What could I have changed to at least get noticed. With long stares deep into a mirror I have forced myself to come upon this website and seek help.

 

im not sure what to do though, I mean I could talk to people online, get a friendly message but I’ve been so secluded for such an extended period of time that I’ve lost hope. My parents don’t understand saying “why are you sad now” and “why are you telling us this now.” 

 

Ive also started hearing things when I sleep like little “hey”s or “what”s which has been terrorising my heart lately, sometimes thinking I hear full sentences like “when will he go” and “why doesn’t he do it”. I don’t know what this means but I’ve only just started hearing things and I’m scared.

 

If anyone could point me in the right direction I would very much appreciate it.

Re: This is a long awaited confession

Hi @AlphaZero434! Welcome to the forums! I hope you can find them and the other parts of this website useful.

I'm sorry you were bullied and rejected at school. Rejection and loneliness can be physically painful. I wish the teachers could have done more about it and helped you more. Smiley Sad I also experienced bullying in primary school and I believe it played a role in my mental health issues. Like you, the experience continued to affect me in high school.

I can understand why it took a long time for you to seek help. It took a long time for me to find help too. It can be really hard to work up the courage to seek help after being treated badly by other people, especially the teachers who didn't do anything about it. Well done for speaking to a counsellor and reaching out on this website! I think it could be beneficial for you to also see a psychologist as mine was really helpful. She helped me find ways of coping with the trauma, believing in myself and being assertive in social situations. When I got bullied again in high school, she also helped me stand up for myself and stop the bullies in their tracks.

I thought that something was wrong with me when people ignored me, but it helped me to see that I didn't deserve the way that I was treated. The people who bullied you are the ones with the problem. If they didn't want to see the amazing person that you are and your good qualities, then that's their loss. Bullies can be really insecure too. Yours could have had things that they wanted to change about themselves, so they thought that they had to tear someone else down to make themselves look good and draw attention away from the things that they were insecure about.

I also experienced auditory hallucinations, mostly at night or when I was tired. I saw a psychiatrist and she believed that they were not psychotic and were as a result of the trauma I had experienced. She thought that they were associated with the nightmares I was having. If you are only having them at night, then it could be associated with the stress you mentioned having at night rather than being psychotic in nature. They diminished once I progressed further in the sessions with my psychologist. They can seem scary but a large number of people who have experienced trauma also get them. Hallucinations aren't necessarily a sign of something serious and they don't mean that you're going crazy. A lot of successful people have experienced them, such as John Nash and Eleanor Longden. There is a really cool thread on the forums that has a lot of useful suggestions for coping with voices here. This thread is also similar.

What do you think of these suggestions? Heart

Re: This is a long awaited confession

Hey @AlphaZero434, and welcome to the forums!
I'm sorry if I'm not much help, I'm in high school like you. But here goes nothing anyway...

I have definitely been rejected multiple times, and bullied occasionally too, because of a special system my guidance counsellor gave me for the classroom noise.

My friends also rejected me a lot too. I ended up becoming depressed for a long time, causing my bf to break up with me, and me making a comment that I shouldn't have made.

We're all here for you, and I don't think we would judge anyone either. This is a safe place for everyone.

Well done on reaching out, it takes courage to do so. A lot of us had to find that courage before posting at all.
Again, sorry if I'm not much help.

//Nothing is impossible. The word itself says "I'm Possible"//

Re: This is a long awaited confession

Hi AlphaZero434,

 

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through that, that sounds really scary. I've sent you an email to check in.

 

Thanks,

Tom

Re: This is a long awaited confession

Hey @AlphaZero434

 

Firstly, welcome to RO, I hope you find the forums to be a space you can chat about how you are feeling and feel supported and valued. 


It sounds like you are going through a tough time and it sounds a bit scary.

 

Making friends can be incredibly difficult and sometimes kids at school can be pretty nasty. I have freckles too and remember being bullied in primary school about them. Its something that has stuck with me for a long time and I have always hated my freckles. However, in the last year or two I have started to love them and have had a few strangers compliment them! 

 

I promise you that you will make friends and be included one day, even if that isn't at school. 

 

Try not to focus on how you should have sought help before, because you are seeking help now and that takes a lot of courage and is a step in the right direction. 

 

Im looking forward to hearing from you soon and becoming RO friends Smiley Happy 

 

Re: This is a long awaited confession

Hi @AlphaZero434! Just checking in. How are you going today? Heart

Re: This is a long awaited confession

Hello, 

 

im doing well thank you, I’ve noticed that the late night talking has stopped.

 

one bad thing did happen though. I had gotten accidentally injured by a metal thing sticking out of the ground and it was kinda rusty sooo, I got a muscle infection in my right leg. No big deal, the doctors said and they handed me antibiotics.

 

but all in all I’m doing alright 👌

Re: This is a long awaited confession

@AlphaZero434I'm glad you're doing well! How do you feel now that the talking has stopped?

Oh dear! That sounds painful! Smiley Sad I'm glad you got antibiotics and you're okay now! Smiley Happy

Re: This is a long awaited confession

It feels good. 

Knowing that I’m improving is just pushing my effort a little bit further than usual.

 

Re: This is a long awaited confession

Hi @AlphaZero434
Sorry to hear that you've gone through a tough time like that!
And getting a muscle infection, ouch! I'm glad you are improving though.
We're here for you on RO Heart