This post will have been written about 100 times before I actually feel comfortable posting it.
I wish I could talk to people about what I think about.
I will have written and deleted this countless times before I post it, in fact if i even post this I'll be surprised, maybe I'll commit now not to delete what I write here.
Once when I was young a girl in a few grades above me told me that it was my fault and I was disgusting that a relative thought it appropriate to give me a hands on demo of what adults do when they "love each other" when I told her (I don't remember why I told her, I don't even think she was a friend) To be honest I think that girl scarred me more than what actually happened. I've never been able to tell anyone about what happened then? I've always felt like it was bad but "not bad enough" for anyone to care about, I always feel like people will make me feel ashamed again so I don't talk about it to people.
I feel like I like I'm a horrible person, I ruin relationships, I stop talking to friends who I no longer trust out of the blue without really giving them any warning. I used to bully kids in primary school, I think I think about that more now because I notice I still have those traits, if I feel shit I want to lash out at other people if they irritate me.
I got my boyfriend a job where I work, we basically live in each other's pockets and its straining the relationship, I just want to scream at him all the time. We live with his parents and I hate his mother, she goes through our groceries and makes judgemental comments and just is nosey and annoying and I hate being here and my boyfriend just doesn't have any drive to do anything, 23 and no licence. I just want to move out and I can't afford to by myself.
I'm terrified of being alone, like I don't mean just in a relationship. The thought of being alone is so daunting to me, if I'm not with my boyfriend I want to be with a friend. I'm scared of how I feel and how quickly depressed I get when I'm alone, I just feel like I immediately start spiralling.
My previous relationship was terrible. When my boyfriend and I first got together I got terrible anxiety, my chest hurt for weeks and I just had awful thoughts all the time and that's when I first when to a doctor about it. I only had one appointment with a psychiatrist and I wish I organised more but i don't know any or how to get appointments that fit in with my schedule. I get up at 6:30 and get home at 6:30
I'm terrified that my boyfriend and I are turning into something like my last relationship, and in most ways it's totally not but I don't know.
I think a lot about things that happened when I was younger and how they may have shaped my habits I suppose with relationships? I'm scared I'll never be happy. I feel like I don't trust any one. Literally no one I don't even trust that my own mother tells me the truth.
I constantly need reassurance I feel myself being annoying asking my boyfriend if he loves me 5 times in 10 minutes. I'm so irritable, I take everything the wrong way I twist everything everyone says. I don't think anyone could like me, theyre just being polite
I've started rocking back and forward sometimes I pick at my scalp a lot I have a lot of scabs in there I don't know if I caused the scabs or just made sores worse I don't know which comes first, some times I want to crash my car. I text a lot while I'm driving, I don't think I care because I don't think I'd care if I crashed and hurt myself. I'd care if I hurt someone else but not as much as I should. I feel like I don't really care a lot about people? I would never tell someone in real life that.
I think if my mother wasn't around I wouldn't be. I could never hurt her. It makes me want to cry just thinking about everything she's been through. I've thought about dying since I was 11. So it's been 10 years now and I suppose I'm learning things about why I am the way I am from reflection, so I can see things that have caused my thought patterns and how that's affected my choices but I don't feel like knowing that helps, I just feel more doomed.
I just feel self aware that l will probably never have that perfect relationship or perfect friends or a perfect life.
I've put on like 15 kilos in less than a year. I absolutely despise myself. But I have no motivation at all to do anything about it. I just want more donuts. Ha...
I'm just sick of everything and I hate when people try to give me advice on what to do because I know I won't follow through on any of it and half the time it's probably stuff that would help.
I'll stop writing now before you fall asleep haha.
Re: This post will have been written about 100 times before I actually feel comfortable posting it.
Well done, YourRealName, that took a lot of courage to write. And good on you for committing to posting. Your courage in sharing your experience is not only something to be proud of for yourself but it is also going to help someone else that doesn't have the strength to post yet.
I don't want to jump in to 'fix it' mode obviously—your feelings with work, relationships, and trust will take time to work through—but you mentioned struggling with finding a psychiatrist and I wondered if you have asked your GP for a referral? I know that's another appointment to fit in but it could help to raise a few of your concerns all at once with a GP. You may also find eheadspace to be helpful. It's a free service for young people to chat with a mental health professional. You can chat with them online or give them a call, whatever works for you.
You've bravely taken that first step towards sharing with us on RO and I do hope you keep us updated with how you're going. We're always here to listen and support you.