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This time it's worse than ever. I cant get out of this sadness. Is there anybody out there?

I am lonely, anxious, and empty and spent. I have no motivation. Looking at my life from the outside people would say, wow, he is really successful; but this is merely an act, a show, a faux that I put on. I somehow have managed to go through my life without making a genuine connection with anyone. I feel as if though I am an alien living amongst the rest of humanity, yet at the same time I feel a great sadness with all things unjust in this world. My success in business is merely an attempt to allow me to function from day to day without the need to make real connections with other people. I am self-employed and self-dependent, I am very successful at getting by without having to speak to anyone directly, yet at the same time when I need to make a sale or interact with people I will put on a happy face. The future, the present and the past are all one for me. I wish I could be like them, the happy go lucky ones; I wish I could plug my brain into a computer and do a complete system reboot or upgrade. I wish I wasn’t me. I don’t feel connected to my kids, wife, parents, siblings or friends. What friends? I have none. Self-pity, there is another thing I feel. I wish someone else could walk in my shoes for a day and just relieve me of my duty to stay being. I watch others reactions to see if I’m acting strangely and even then I don’t know if I am or not. So I just brush everything off and continue being the joker! As long as you’re kept amused you won’t notice the despair in me. There is a chasm so deep in my heart that nothing ever seems to fill up the emptiness. They say that GOD created the heavens and earth in Seven days; they don’t tell you that he spent an eternity before this in total darkness and isolation. I feel like all that emptiness throughout time and space is slowly pouring through my being. I really do want friends but I don’t know how to make them. Growing up it was easier because you could make a friend simply by sitting next to someone in the class room. Nowadays I wouldn’t have a clue. I have so many hang ups about me that I can’t possibly bring myself to start a conversation. I have tried satisfying the gulf of emptiness with an array of substitutes including, drugs, alcohol, and an affair with another woman, which I told my wife about, but all too often they fall short of healing the pain.

I guess anyone reading this would be thinking what would fuck someone up this much. Well, I was abused by an uncle when I was just 4 years old, was told to shut up and never tell anybody about it and if I told my parents than they would not love me or even believe me. This Uncle was a close part of our family for a long time. I never told anyone till I was 22 years old. When I finally told my dad he seemed to be in shock, I couldn’t tell if he was disgusted in me or blamed me or what. He told me don’t ever tell your mum cause it would devastate her and she won’t be able to deal with it. Off course, he was right. It did devastate her. I ended up talking to the police and making a report. My uncle was questioned and then released. No evidence they said! I gave a six fucking page statement, in which I recalled having been picked up from school by my uncle and taken home because my parents couldn’t pick me up that day. I am very disappointed in the justice system to say the least, a view I’m sure the police share too. I remember the police officer telling me that my uncle was a nasty piece of work and that he had been questioned before about another rape allegation. The police also said that they wouldn’t bother investigating if he was to somehow mysteriously disappear off the face of the planet either.

After he was questioned, this prick of an uncle than goes and tells all of my relatives, both here and overseas, that I’m crazy. The defense of a man that has no defense “you’re crazy”! Years have passed since this occurred and I simply just stopped going to family functions or parties. This isolation spread to all areas of my life, including my not so social life.

So here I am, crazy by design and by reputation. Forever trapped until my eternal sleep!

Re: This time it's worse than ever. I cant get out of this sadness. Is there anybody out there?

Hi @Nobodynowhere,

Welcome to Reachout.

It makes me so mad when I hear about people who abused kids and got away with it. Especially when the "justice" system fails to help. I'm so sorry that happened to you. But good on you for opening up about what happened to you. I actually think  that the first time you are able to trust ONE person enough to tell them the whole story and you're believed, that is a big step.

For different reasons, I've struggled to make connections in my life too. No permanent relationship, althought I really want one. Lots of loneliness, and feeling like there's something wrong with me because I struggle to be close to people and can't keep a relationship even though everyone around me can! So I feel for you.

Have you been able to talk to someone in your life about how you're feeling? Or would you consider talking to a counsellor? (both those things have been helpful to me). No-one deserves to feel trapped and alone, so I hope you'll talk to someone. And you can keep chatting to us here of course.

There are lots of self-help resources on the Reachout site which you might find useful, although the language is geared towards under 25s. You're still welcome here though. Smiley Happy

 

Good luck!

blithe

Re: This time it's worse than ever. I cant get out of this sadness. Is there anybody out there?

Hey @Nobodynowhere 

It sounds like you are going through a difficult time and you have so much happening in your life and you mask it pretty well. I think I sometimes tend to put a fascade as well and it can be the most draining thing because just being honest and you is so refreshing. 

 

I think this is a great first step for you and you should be proud of yourself for being open about your experiences. If you need to speak to someone further you can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 and they also have online chat support  There is also beyondblue which caters to a wide range of people and situations 

 

You sound like a strong and determined person and you have been through so much, It sounds like it must have been difficult to deal with especially when you feel trapped and isolated. I hope just letting it out and sharing your story with us has helped you feel a bit better.

 

Take care of yourself 

 

 

_________________________________________________
**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**

Re: This time it's worse than ever. I cant get out of this sadness. Is there anybody out there?

Hi folks,

Just a little note that I had to remove a post in this thread as it contained contact details, which aren't allowed under Reachout guidelines. This rule is to ensure that people can participate here knowing that their details will remain private and they'll stay anonymous. 

 

Cheers,

blithe