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Time to end it or keep going

Well first off im starting my last year in highschool at the moment, including a year 12 subject ive got an exam for in less than two weeks. I've always been very good in school, and take it very seriously as im set on university to pursue dietetics. Im wanting a high ATAR for university so find it very stressful around exam time with managing other things.
Ive been dating a guy i go to school with, for over a year now. We come from very different families, I'd like to think I come from a normal middle class family, my parents both are nurses and we have just moved into a big house with a few acres. My parents have always brought me up to focus on school, ive had a job at the local supermarket for 2 years to teach me responsibility and time management. My boyfriend comes from a family where his parents just work casual jobs here and there, or the doll at times, they smoke and drink, they rent and have 3 cats and 2 dogs in the house (no litter tray), and hos older brother has resorted to the same way of life (no job, and relies on his gf for living, money and driving places). Well, my boyfriend is one month away from turning 18 and has never had a job. Despite being one year older than me, he seems like the complete opposite to me. He is never stressed about school, and continues to get Ds or Es on his report card, he has this idea of the Navy after school but I don't understand why hes not stressing about school to get into the Navy (as i need grades for uni, surely he does for the navy), he has always been on the other end of the stick to me. Im a very clean, orderly, and passionate person, but hes just laid back and blames others when he doesnt get what he wants.

First off, in the first six months of dating him I found a pattern that every time we had a date, went out for lunch, or did anything together I copped the bill because I worked. I remember the ideas of my future gathering, the idea of saving for a car, the desire to save for a trip to new zealand for a scuba diving course (which i did), and simple pocket money became harder when i was paying for meals for him and me combined every weekend. At the time we lived in separate towns, a half hour away, and i would pay for his meals and things regardless of whether i came to visit him or he came to visit me. I once paid for pizzas for his whole family when I CAME FOR DINNER.
It got to a point where i just said STOP. I told him that it was not fair that he should come to visit me with no money on him and expect me to pay everytime he wanted takeout. I told him to get himself a job so he could share the bills with me because i wasnt going to be out working anymore to pay for him, while he was off with his friends. He thought i was being unfair and pushy, an it took over a month to convince him to apply for jobs, which completely shocked me cos i cant understand how anyone wouldnt feel guilty about making their partner pay every time, and then argue when they wanted you to get a job and help out. Well, it went on and on, i had stopped paying but found that now, i couldnt go out with him at all.. when i wanted to go out to a movie date he was worried about money and it became a drama and i felt guilty for asking to go out. I noticed i was the one lookung for jobs and he only actually applied at jobs i told him to. I noticed he would come over all the time and be fed and stuff at home, but then mum started saying to me we cant afford to feel five people every day..we arent as rich as he thinks we are.
He tells me he will get a job, but hes told me that hes not passionate about getting a job. The reason ive contunued to push him to get one isnt just about evening out the date bill. He has this fantasy about a car when hes 18, and a gap year.. but you need money for a car, moneg for petrol, a gap year you usually work in to get money for when you start studying or training again...but ive told him casual jobs arent easy to find the older you get. Employers won't hire an 18 year old woth no experience. But hes never listened, and taken his sweet time with applying, and never follows things up unless they call him themselves (i always call or email a week after applying to seem eager).
Well, im coming up to my exams. Our 1 year anniversary was last week, and we were planning to go out for dinner (second avtual dinner date in a whole year). Id spoken to him in the morning about a venue, and then dug into study over lunch time. He wasnt contactable from 1pm onwards...which i wasnt fussrd about. It came around to 5pm and i wanted to know a time, so i could book a table. But he wasnt contactabke still. His phone was off cos i couldnt call. It came to 6pm, a universal dinner time time..and i still hadnt heard from him. Mum was wanting to order pizza for tea (takeout is a treat in my family), and it was 6.30 now. I rang his dad whom didnt know where he was. And then 7pm hit, it was a school night, mum wanted to know if i was going to dinner or not..so i just stayed in. Finally i got a call at 7.30, when i was halfway through my pizza dinner at home. And he didnt even achknowledge the time, he just said "when we going?". Id found out he was with his friends at the pool just down the road from me, but instead of calling or swinging by when he was done, he rode all the way home (a half hour trip), before bothering to check his phone. I couldny believe it, he had just screwed up our anniversary.
Since then ive woken up and realised we both want different things. Im a person who plans my goals and works hard toward them, he doesnt. I dont think its his fault, but im sick of stressing FOR him, finding a job FOR him, doing his resume, feeding him and constantly being let down on important events or simple dates. I think he just needs to mature a bit and realise he consequences of not working hard for what you want..like he will realise he needs a job for a car. But i dont want to wait for that, im sick of waiting to see the responsible man i want. And that person simply isnt possible at our age, so i keep having thoughts about wanting to be alone to focus. Cos i feel dragged down.
Last week me, my boyfriend and another girl Nina were all going for House Captain in school. We had an interview, speech, vote and me and Nina got it. I was really upset for my boyfriend cos i know he really wanted the position, but i needed it for a uni scholarship to show my community service. I still offered to decline the position and give it to him of he really wanted it, cos i didnt want him to have a grudge against me..cos hes always made me feel guilty for having the grades, job and success i do now. He told me to take it. But the next evening he sent me texts saying how he felt worthless, like a failure, and that it was all the teachers fault. He said he was over trying. I tried to confort him, but wasnt going to support his idea of giving up. I told him to look at his life, and write down what he wants and make a plan on how to get it. I said if you want a job, find ways to improve your communication skills and other things like working harder at school, or if you want leadership positions to help out with leadership whereever you can to gain some leadership skills. Well he continued to take the negatives out of what i said, and it eventually twisted around to insults. He began saying i was just as bad as the teachers, that i sucked at comfort iust cos i get everything i want and dont understand hard work, and that i was selfish to have taken the role.
That was when i woke up and realised i didnt want this. He might make me happy and laugh and go all bubbly when im with him, but he drags me down in my success in other aspects of my life. Im scared his failures are going to affect me after school, like he wont get into the navy because his grades arent high enough and will expect me to support him when im doing uni, or that in year 12 he will be relaxed and want attention and distract me from my own grades and i wont get into uni.
Its all shown its true colours this month. With the last week ive wanted time away from him to focus on school, and im feeling really shit cos i think i want to break up with him for my own benefit..and he keeps pushing it and wanting to talk, call and come over to talk about if im dumping him or not...all because i told him i want space to focus on my exam. Hes making so much drama and keeps calling and wanting 'attention' cos he feels worthless still for not getting house captain..when i have my final exam in less than two weeks and feel like hes distracting me.
I am planning to breakup with him after the exam cos its been 6 months and hes still got no job and nothing has changed. I am feeling dragged down, and that all he offers me is cute gooy feelings but no real support. But at the same time i dont know how to keep him off my back for the next week cos i cant afford distractions right now. I see him at school everyday, its hard to avoid him. And when i avoid him its oobvious and starts more drama.

Re: Time to end it or keep going

Hi @tashmcl, welcome to ReachOut.

 

Thanks for posting in the forums. We're glad to have you here. It sounds like you've got a lot going on right now and you're doing your best to get through it.

 

If you'll see your boyfriend at school, it might be hard to avoid him altogether but there might be things you could do to give yourself some space for brief periods of time, at least. Could turning off your phone for short blocks so you can study/relax be an option?

// Spiral outward, keep going. //

Re: Time to end it or keep going

Yes, i can do that. Ill turn it off for an hour or so tonight to do some revision, thank you

Re: Time to end it or keep going

You're welcome @tashmcl. I hope it helps.

Ultimately, you have the right to do what is best for you, and if ending the relationship is going to save you all this stress, it's okay for you to make that choice, even though it might be a difficult one.

 

Please keep us updated with how you're going.

// Spiral outward, keep going. //

Re: Time to end it or keep going

Hey @tashmcl,

 

Sounds like it must be frustrating to have to constantly prop your boyfriend up while you're trying to focus on your own HSC! I agree with @letitgo - you're responsible for your own wellbeing first and foremost. Caring for others is admirable, but you won't be in any position to help anyone if you don't take care of yourself first - something I'm sure your parents would know a tonne about! There are always more patients to see, but you're no good to anyone if you're stumbling through hospital rounds half-dead from fatigue and exhaustion. 

 

So I don't think you've been selfish to take the House Captain role- particularly since you offered to let him have it! Assuming the relationship continues, your being House Captain could actually help your boyfriend since it'll definitely be easier to support him if you have a scholarship to support you while you do it. You owe it to yourself to look after you, because fewer and fewer people are going to be able to do that as you grow up- parents stop being able to help out with homework, teachers eventually disappear, and ultimately, no one will know you as well as you do.

 

It may also be worthwhile to consider whether the relationship will last after next year if your boyfriend does join the Navy. A lot of Defence Force jobs require people to relocate to the army/naval/air force base they've been posted to, so unless you both live near a military base, chances are that you might have to take the relationship long distance, which can bring it's own share of challenges. This is not to say that long-distance can't work, but it does take effort, and you have to make the decision as to whether it's worth it.

 

Oh, and welcome to Reachout! Things might be a bit rough right now, but we're happy you're here Smiley Happy

Re: Time to end it or keep going

Thank you, yes the future will bring its own set of challenges. We will be living separately for uni, the navy needs him in queemsland, i need four and a half years in melbourne. But thats still up in the air. However afterwards he plans to be an information technition or marine engineer..whichever one stays at the base more and doesnt have to move too much. I just hope he gets in, im so worried he wont.

Re: Time to end it or keep going

Im mostly scared about how to cope now with him. Im noticing hes becoming.more and more unbearable, we just have so many differences. Just in everyday things like he doesnt wash his hands after the toilet..which absolutely grosses me out, his house has cat fur and poop everywhere and it reaks of smoke which makes me sick, he isnt fussed about having a job yet but hes 18 and wants a car and stuff next year and i want to be able to go out on more dates cos im over just Doritos, pizza and movies at his place where i come home smelling like cigarette smoke and have fur all over me. Its gross. I am worried about his diet cos here i am following a dietician career and he eats a box of shapes or chips or sweet cookies everyday at school, and only has takeout for dinners. He doesnt understand my stresses of school, he doesnt understand basic hygiene or presentability in a job interview, i have to teach him things, tell him what to do and act more like a mother because his parents are so laid back. I need to do his resumes, help him choose career pathways, help him choose hos subjects at school, organize every date, its confronting and frustrating when i have my own stresses. And then he goes all sooky and wants attention when i simply need support to focus on school and events that mean more to me than a relationship.

Re: Time to end it or keep going

Hi @tashmcl

Sounds like you've been going through a lot! It's really great that you have your aspirations and it sounds like you have a lot of self-awareness. From personal experience it's important to pay attention to how you are feeling. Relationships definitely take a lot of work but in the end it's very important to put yourself first and take care of your wellbeing. 

Re: Time to end it or keep going

Hey @tashmcl

 

some of the other builders have already given some great advice, but I also wanted to take some time to message you. Firstly, good luck with your exams! It seems that you are definitely headed in the right direction to get a good ATAR and attend univeristy and I glad to hear that you are so driven to do well.

In terms of things with your boyfriend, my motto is always - if you are more sad than you are happy then it is not good. I can see how frustrated you are with everything you have to do, but that you do still worry for him, which shows how caring you are. It is however important to remember, like @Asche said, that you are a priority too, and someitmes you have to do what is best for you. I agree turning your phone off is a good idea, and also if you would rather not break up with him until after your exams, but would like some space I would just be very clear about that with him that you have exams to study for and at the moment that is your main priority. Maybe you could go to a library/cafe where you could not only get a lot of study done, but you would also not be distracted by anyone you know. 

Best of luck with everything! 

Re: Time to end it or keep going

Thank you very much, yes i tend to utilise the library but its not open on weekends which is a real pain. So i have been staying back after school doing practice exams for revision and its in exam conditions so im not distracted. Ive been turning off my phone also for an hour or two each night and am hanging out with my girlfriends mostly at school which is really good. Hes laid off a little. Just trying to maintain that. Im still not sure if we should just talk and could work it out..or if im more unhappy and should leave after exams..but ill deal with that question later. Thank you xx