cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

[R@Tiny_leaf Sorry I didn’t reply for a while, I’ve been really tired the last few days.

 

Thank you for those points. I’m not sure where I am with that though. I could have Asperger’s and I can identify some traits in some of my other system members, so that could be an indication that I could be too. Idk at this point.

 

I didn’t realise that autistic masking was a thing. Maybe if I do have Asperger’s that could be part of the whole facading thing for me, but I can’t tell.

 

I haven’t had much luck so far in finding a nb autistic person’s perspective. I’ll have to keep looking.

 

On another note, a few things happened in the last few days. For one, my first exam is tomorrow. also had a birthday in the last few days (and next up is T in December).

 

I also realised the other day that something weird that happened in early 2017 might have actually been plurality, with someone other than our current group of six, involving one other person (who I’ll call C). She was around for a little bit, but early on in 2017 we stopped talking and she just kinda disappeared.

 

I originally estimated that she was around in late 2016 but I found a few notes I’d written the other day that say she was around in February 2017, but don’t mention much about her.

 

I’ve been conflicted over whether or not she still exists and whether or not to try and see if she’s still there, but a lot of us think it would be best to try and stay as a group of six at least until we start transitioning, so that if anyone else ever did show up (for example, C), then we would already have started if C or whoever would’ve been against it.

 

I’d like to see if C’s still there nearly three years later, but I don’t know if that’s the best idea.

 

I’m still tired and a little stressed over the exams still, and I need to stop myself from staying up too late.

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

Hey @SomeoneNADJS 

 

It sounds like there's been a lot on your mind. Between tossing up possible diagnoses and feeling conflicted about C - no wonder you're finding it hard to sleep and relax. Do you have a before bed routine at all? 

 

It can help to spend some time (as long or little as you need) to unwind before before bed. When I struggle to quiet my mind for bed-time I make my before bed routine two hours long! Just to make sure I can get that precious shut eye. 

 

Hope you can find some peace with the exam stress Heart 

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

[R] Hey @Bre-RO. There has been quite a bit. Just to clarify, we’re not seeking a diagnosis, as none of us think that would be useful and neither does anyone else as far as I’m aware. I’m just unsure about where I/we am/are on the spectrum, and if that factors into anything.

 

Currently we don’t have a bedtime routine. Mostly I just play games or watch TV until I’m supposed to sleep, and then I usually go to bed and either sleep, talk online, or let someone else switch in and talk online. Probably not the most healthy thing for us to do tbh.

 

At least I got some more sleep today. T and I hung out for a bit and then I ended up falling asleep for a while this afternoon, probably for about two hours I think.

 

Hopefully I’ll be able to manage the exam stress. Luckily I only have three more to do.

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

@SomeoneNADJS 

 

Hey R, 

 

Thanks for clarifying that - it's good that you are aware that there's a lot going on and are willing to explore different avenues to better understand yourself/your systemmates. 

 

Based off what you've said it could be really helpful to think of a bedtime routine. It could even be as simple as deciding when you'll take some time off screens and what things relax you (shower, tea etc, comfy clothes). You might already know this but the light from screens tricks our brains into thinking it's still day time. Some people even watch the sun set and then stop using screens to let the brain know that it's becoming night and it's time to start getting sleepy. 

 

We'll be thinking of you all during exam period! Not much longer and the stress of it all will be behind you Smiley Happy 

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

[R] Thanks @Bre-RO. Exams are behind us now, but it’s not been a great week.

 

I only ended up doing two exams. The other two I was meant to do I didn’t end up doing. There was one I was supposed to do on Wednesday and one yesterday.

 

Tuesday night I wasn’t feeling great, and the next morning I was still feeling really bad. This exam had an essay component I was supposed to get feedback on, but our teacher only got it to us in the evening before the exam, so that had me a bit worried too. Unfortunately this is not the first time this sort of thing has happened regarding an assessment with this teacher this year.

 

So, didn’t go on Wednesday. Wednesday night I had a lot of trouble going to sleep. It was a hot night, and our dad gets cold easily from the air conditioning (even after five minutes of it being turned on). Hence, we’re not allowed to have it turned on at night. I set up two tower fans in our room, but they weren’t enough to get me to sleep. Until nearly 2am, I was feeling even worse than the night before, but settled down after that. Still couldn’t sleep though, and I wouldn’t sleep until after 6 in the morning. I said I didn’t feel like I could do the exam, and our mum let me sleep until 2 in the afternoon. That had her worried, because the subject this exam was for is my favourite and I usually come top of the class on it, and this isn’t something I would normally want to miss.

 

After Halloween I was doing better though. Managed to get to sleep until a little after midnight, and got up at 12 this afternoon. For the rest of the day I played tennis with our dad and had a go with his tennis ball machine, came home for a swim, had a shower, went for a massage, and then I’ve been tired for most of the day and I’ve mostly just lazed around.

 

We’ve been thinking about C for a bit. We still haven’t even checked to see if she exists, but after I had a talk with someone from another system, I’m wondering whether this would actually be C or it might be someone else given C’s identity.

 

The way I see it, C has been in “dormancy”, if I can call it that, for nearly three years (earliest record I found where I wrote something mentioning her by name was in late January 2017), but I don’t think it was by choice. She’s not the first person to go into long-term inactivity like this, since T did for a few months by choice from about December to around February this year. She ended up coming back for whatever reason (I can’t remember), and after another two months we officially counted her as a member of our system (as we weren’t sure if she was another person or not before that).

 

I feel bad because what if I have “killed” C without knowing what she was or meaning to? This sort of thing is a bit murky ethically because we don’t feel great about locking someone who was already there out, but we don’t want it to negatively affect the quality of life of anyone else. Granted, if C was added to our system, ours wouldn’t be half the size of others we’ve talked to (two largest we’ve talked to have 17 members each), but still this isn’t a decision any of us would want to take lightly.

 

Anyway, good news is exams are over and I’m not feeling too bad, and everyone else is on a scale between great to alright, but bad news is we don’t know what to do, and we might have to ask other systems their opinion on the matter.

 

Not really sure if it’s any use saying any of the stuff related to C here, but it does kinda bother me that that’s what I might have done to someone unintentionally. I mean, this is apparently a fairly common thing that happens with systems like ours apparently, but I don’t know what’s really the best option for everyone.

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

Hey @SomeoneNADJS 

That really sucks that you were not able to go to the exam for your favorite subject, will there be any chance for you to resit it? I hope you were able to sleep okay again last night, its good to hear things have been a little better and that finally, the exam period is over for you Smiley Very Happy

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

[R] Sorry, took a break from the forums, because a lot has happened, good and bad.

 

So, had a week of work experience last week, which was tiring. It’s probably be best not to go over what I was doing because I’m still afraid of someone figuring out who we are (as unlikely as that may be).

 

Anyway, C is now part of our system. I can’t remember if I talked about her much, but now there are seven of us. She’s been settling in pretty well, but she’s been acting differently than I remember. She knows this and she’s okay with being different than how she used to. We’ll still love her regardless.

 

Also, for about the past week or two I’ve been sleeping downstairs on the couch because one of our parents can’t stand the air con. I’ll explain why this is relevant later.

 

On Tuesday I had accidentally booked both Headspace and Kids Helpline at the exact same time, but I was able to send in an email to Kids Helpline and get a reschedule. Our Headspace counsellor has ended our regular appointments.

 

I talked to KHL on Thursday night, and our counsellor was worried about me being unsure if I could stay safe (don’t worry, nothing happened to anyone in the end). He asked to phone me, which made our mum suspicious. She figured out that I was at high risk of doing something bad, so now she has been turning on the house alarm downstairs to try and stop me from getting up at night. Problem with this is that I can pretty easily get past the alarm sensors, as long as I don’t move too quickly.

 

Last few days have been better. was able to switch in yesterday morning and keep in control until 2 in the afternoon before I took back control. Since she still feels like I am there and it kind of feels like I was too (despite me not thinking at all), we both had concerns and got advice from another system, so hopefully we’ll be okay with that. I’m thinking that, depending on how bad I get, it might be important to get everyone who’s interested switching often to minimise any risk of me taking action on anything.

 

Also, seeing a new psychologist on Tuesday who specialises in transgender issues for a two-hour appointment. This means I’ll be missing school... again.

 

@TOM-RO I won’t get another chance to do any of the exams I missed, but I’d rather not have to do them anyway. Sleep has been getting better, but it’s probably not enough (unless I’m sleeping in).

Highlighted

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

Hey @SomeoneNADJS 

 

Thanks for the update on whats been happening for you all. You're right, a lot has happened! I actually think it's a really positive thing that you take breaks from the forums when there's a lot going on. You know yourself and your systemmates best and when it's a good time to come here Heart 

 

You did mention that C was beginning to emerge again. I'm glad to hear she's settling in well. How are you feeling about her being different now? 

 

I'm glad you were able to reschedule your KHL appointment and that your counsellor ensures that you stay safe. How often will your Headspace appointments be now? 

 

Also, it's good to hear you've got an appointment lined up with a trans specialised psychologist - I really hope you're all able to get along and feel comfortable Heart 

 

 

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

[R] Hi @TOM-RO. Yeah, if things get a bit too difficult we might step off for a bit when needed. Haven’t seen much of today, but switched in for a bit at school and A considered it, but didn’t end up doing it. We all love C and I don’t mind if she’s different to how she was years ago, as long as she’s happy (I’m certainly quite different after she was last here).

 

My online Headspace appointments have been ended, so it’ll just be like it was before, where I can go on when I feel like it to chat, and it will be with whoever picks up first on their end.

 

Thanks Smiley Happy Also have an appointment with the other psychologist after that (day of appointments). I wouldn’t have attended school anyway, but since our school is in bush land and there is a catastrophic fire danger for the area, the school has closed anyway. Luckily we live in a more urbanised area so we’re not at such risk.

 

Anyway, not much else important happened today. Other than I talked to KHL again tonight, mainly focusing on our switching as a potential tactic to help with negative emotions. Problem is that I’m usually quite focused on what’s happening (e.g. feeling dysphoric), so I don’t leave a lot of room mentally for anyone else to stay up for very long. That also might make it harder for me to switch out, but we’re working on it.

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

@SomeoneNADJS 

 

Hey R, 

 

Good idea, we'll be here whenever you feel up to visiting forums Heart It sounds like switching is becoming easier for you all to do? Did KHL have any helpful insights around switching as a way to manage difficult emotions? It's really nice to hear that you all love C - what is she like? 

 

I'm sorry to hear that feeling dysphoric is taking up so much mental space. It must be exhausting at times for you to juggle everything that is happening - It will be good to have a counsellor that understands trans experiences Heart I really hope that eases the dysphoria so that you're able to focus on the other goals you have for yourself.