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Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

[R] Thanks @TOM-RO.

 

Tonight I have yet another update, because more stuff is going on. Earlier in the day, I asked everyone whether they thought we should come out to my trans friend. It was 5 votes to one, with only S in opposition, but ze was eventually okay with it.

 

A and I had made a plan together where I would try and talk to our mum about a couple of things, and if at any point I got too terrified to speak, she would take over and talk for me.

 

Needless to say, after more than six months of not controlling together, Azure went inactive. I managed to tell our mum a few little things, such as being scared to speak.

 

Our mum’s phone stopped working today, so what I thought if was sending her an email. She said if she could use the hotspot on either our dad’s phone or mine, she’d be able to check I created a new Gmail account (so I could experiment with names without messing up any other email addresses other people contact me with, and I think I just broke a world record for the longest email ever written.

 

I wrote about a lot of the stuff I’ve already written about on here, minus the plural stuff, and plus a few extra things. I kind of went into more detail about things I’ve done to (barely) hurt myself and thoughts of even worse things I’d had for a while. There was other stuff in there too, like explaining how constricted I felt by masculine gendered social rules, and a few ideas for new names. I also told her why “I” trust my trans friend to keep things quiet if I tell her to, since she may have had similar experiences and know how serious things are.

 

I split the email into three main topics: the pressure I’ve felt throughout my life to conform to gender norms and how the way I’ve acted is to appear closer to male, wanting to come out to my friend, and more on suicidality. I’m trying to keep myself as safe as I can. I have a Headspace call on Tuesday night and a Kids Helpline chat on Wednesday.

 

I sent the email about an hour ago. Today’s been okay again. Sorta like yesterday, but with a bit of extra dysphoria in the morning. Wasn’t too bad though and didn’t last long. Anyway, I need to get some sleep. Goodnight.

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

Hey @SomeoneNADJS 

 

It's great that S was eventually okay with coming out to your trans friend. Does this mean you are going to come out to them? Speaking to another person in a similar situation can be really good for one's well-being. However, like your mum said, you need to feel ready. Take your time with it. Don't pressure yourself. 

 

It was very courageous of you to open up to your mum. Writing an email was a really great idea. It's good that you thought outside the box, and were able to communicate with you mum in a way that felt comfortable to you. How did your mum respond?

 

You're taking all the right steps to keep safe. It shows how very determined, courageous and strong you are throughout all of this Heart

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

[T] Hey @Maddy-RO. T here. Weird thing happened and I figured out how to sorta swap places with R without meaning to. I’m loving it though! She’s still awake, but just not thinking.

 

We’re planning on coming out to our friend. R sent that ridiculously long email and our mum read it while she was studying for her exams. The two of them talked and she said she was happy for us to come out to our friend, but to just be prepared in case she tells other people without our permission. I don’t think that’s likely, but I can see where she’s coming from.

 

Our mum responded well I think. She was sorry R was in so much pain, and she said that it wasn’t her (R’s job) to make her feel better (as R was afraid this stuff would add to our mum’s existing stress). She’s been more supportive after that, which is really great to see.

 

R can’t really do all that much right now because I’m taking up all of the thinking space (which is what she usually does), but there was a positive little feeling there which I think translates to a “thank you”. Yup.

 

This feels so weird to be doing this. It’s kind of fun to muck around in our body, even though I’ve barely done anything XD Anyway, today was better for R and other than a bit of exam stress she was doing good. Tomorrow is D’s birthday, and I hope if I can help D do what I did to get in this position, maybe that could be a little birthday present for him to experience Smiley Happy

 

Also, I think R or I might have dissociated a little bit after I started taking over. Our vision randomly zoomed out a bit twice. I’m talking to a member of another system online rn, and apparently this has happened to them too.

 

[R] I’m back in control, and editing this post about an hour after T posted it. I am really tired and I have a headache now. I was awake the whole time, but it feels weird reading everything T wrote, like I wasn’t there. I was though, but I just couldn’t think. This is something I thought it would take loads of practice to do, but no, T wakes herself up, and eventually with the help of a friend from another system, on her first try, takes over nearly everything for about an hour and a half. This is something we tried to achieve between A and I several months ago, but we gave up. And then, for one of the least experienced with controlling the body to do it successfully on her first try, is completely unheard of from everything we’ve done. This is the first time anyone else has ever done this in our system. This’ll be one hell of a surprise when everyone else wake up for D’s birthday tomorrow.

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

Hey @SomeoneNADJS 

 

I'm so happy to read your mum responded well Smiley Happy.   Sounds like there's a big surprise for D's birthday tomorrow to!  Let us know how that goes.  I hope you get a good rest in the meantime  Heart

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

@SomeoneNADJS hi T, it's good to meet you!

I've heard that dissociation can be a bit of a thing in systems, but I don't really have any personal experience..

I'm glad your mum's been more supportive, and that you're having fun!

 

 

Also I've just seen your update R. (yeah it takes me ages to write a post...)

Wait so this was the first time anyone but you has had control like that? That must've been a weird experience if you're not used to it..

I'm glad that you're all able to get support from people in other systems.

I think you said that you were worried about how swapping control would impact your dysphoria, has that turned out okay so far?

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

[R] @TOM-RO Everyone was pretty surprised by the news! D and I also ended up switching a few times today, although the first one lasted the longest. He spent about an hour doing study for me and made about a page and a half of notes on the Vietnam War. Afterwards I took back control and was still a little bit dissociated for about the next 5-10 minutes.

 

After that, we went to the beach, and I jumped off a pier a few times. Twice I sat down for a few seconds to let D take over again so he could have a go, but the switches were a bit rushed and both times, as soon as he hit the water it was back to me again. Other than that I offered him another go later but we were both tired and he’d had enough.

 

Last night was one of my better sleeps in a while. Hoping to get some good rest again tonight. Smiley Happy

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

[T] @Tiny_leaf Hi! Yeah, experiences also differ across systems. For us it’s a good thing since it’s seemed to help with dysphoria so far. Although it might be a bit soon to say. Thanks Smiley Happy

 

[R] Yeah, this was the first time. T didn’t get any dysphoria, but I think she was more fixed on the fact she was in a body she could control rather than a gendered one. D, on the other hand, was a bit more aware of it and got a little bit of dysphoria (which is weird because he’s meant to have gender congruence). I haven’t had dysphoria while this has been happening since I’ve barely been thinking while they’ve taken over. Might be useful if we can switch if I’m getting really dysphoric or suicidal, and then maybe we could reduce or stop the dysphoria. I’m not sure where we can go with this.

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff Yeah

@SomeoneNADJS 

 

Hey T - so nice to meet you and glad to hear that you suspect switching systems helped with dysphoria. Hopefully it's something you're all able to refine and use to cope when things are tough Heart 

 

Hi R - I hope you're well with all the changes that have happened since the last time we had a chat. How are you feeling now that you are switching systems? It sounds like you've been doing so much to keep yourself safe and I'm so glad your mum has been supportive. Heart I think emailing her was a great idea - sometimes it's much easier to communicate that way. 

 

Sending lots of strength to you all Heart 

 

 

 

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff Yeah

[R] Hey @Bre-RO. T’s a bit tired at the moment, but she’s seen your message.

 

Just wanted to clarify, because I’m not sure if I’ve explained this before, but when we mention “our system”, we’re referring to the six of us collectively; everyone sharing our body. Another system is another group sharing a body.

 

I hope we can use this to our advantage, but I’m not sure I really want to spend any time at school doing stuff. I mean, I’m still awake when we switch, but I barely think and I’m just plugged into the body and not really responding to anything that’s going on, or just in a very minimal fashion. I’m not sure if I can deal with being misgendered all of the time. Maybe D or S might have a better time with it, since D is male and I think S is a demiboy.

 

I’ve been going well most of the time. Tonight was a bit not-so-great, but I’m feeling a bit better knowing that we now have this skill. I’m kind of scared of going completely inactive, but I’m not sure if that will happen. Funny, because sometimes I don’t want to exist and when I get close to having such a chance, I’m afraid of it.

 

Thanks Smiley Happy

 

On another note, we finally have the date of our appointment at the gender clinic. It’s at 9am on a Tuesday, so I’m assuming we won’t be going to school on that day. We have 18 weeks to wait now.

 

I managed to keep coming out to our trans friend (really should give her a nickname or something, so I’ll just call her Genevieve) off my mind for the past few days. Probably because of the excitement of figuring out how to switch, I think.

 

Anyway, tonight it was back on my mind and our Headspace counsellor suggested I try and get over my fear of talking to her by the next time I talk to him (in two weeks’ time). I wanted to do it in person, but now I’m doubting my ability to do that. I’m now thinking a phone call might be easier. I’d rather not text, so then that way, in the unlikely scenario she does out me, whether intentionally or by accident, she won’t have any evidence, and if anyone I know finds out, I can just lie about it. Shouldn’t be too hard, since I’ve been doing it for so long.

 

Another thing, we’re planning on coming out to our school. Just as a non-binary trans girl, not as plural. Don’t think the latter would go down well. I’m not sure, but I think it’d be a lot easier telling a load of people I’m trans rather than saying there’s six seperate minds sharing a body here (5 of which who are not male). Anyway, we’re planning on doing that next year at the beginning of Year 11. Our mum’s going to let the school know in advance so they can prepare the staff and all. I’m hoping we can grow our hair over the summer holidays once this upcoming term is over.

 

Things are moving forward, and I think we’re getting closer to a place where all of us can be happy and get what we want out of life. Except discrimination’s still going to be an issue, probably. For the rest of our lives. Why does society want everyone to be cisgender and a singlet again?

 

Anyway, I should probably get to sleep soon. Not sure how likely that will be, so I might still lurk around here for a while longer.

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff Yeah

@SomeoneNADJS can your system mates look out for you R so you don't become completely inactive? 

 

"Why does society want everyone to be cisgender and a singlet again?"

They're probably jealous of how awesome you all are.

Plus I think that people get this idea of a "perfect" human, and everyone else gets given crap when we don't fit into it. Smiley Frustrated

Also movies... like I'm pretty sure the only people with worse representation than people with psychosis are people in a system, which kinda sucks...

Idk, humans are weird..

 

Oooh, coming out to your school sounds exciting!!

One thing you could do (if you're impatient like me) while waiting for your hair to grow out is find some more feminine short hair styles, there are some really pretty ones.