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Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

[R] A lot of updates to write. I went out in female dress last Wednesday for the first time in public and I loved it. I even found that easier than wearing school uniform. We also don’t have to wear the male uniform again, except for on the end-of-year presentation day we have to go to because I got an award (one of the teachers accidentally let this slip). Anyway, I’m wearing sports uniform in the meantime.

 

What else? Oh yeah, our aunty, two close family friends and our grandfather’s girlfriend have been told I’m trans by our mum. Our Aunty also has two sons, one of whom has a trans friend (FtM). Apparently he (our cousin) cried when he was told about us because he doesn’t want us to have to deal with all of that pain from the dysphoria.

 

We have the option of going back next year in the girls’ uniform, or just wearing sports uniform. My dysphoria’s still just as bad in sports uniform, but I’d rather wear that than the other one. We still haven’t made a decision on that.

 

Also, I’m planning on telling a few friends who will be coming over to our house this Saturday. Hopefully it won’t be too difficult.

 

Sorry @Bre-RO, can’t remember much of what KHL said all that time ago, but we’ve been switching less. I’ve been thinking about perhaps keeping track of who’s switched in every so often, so that if we do start doing it more frequently (mainly during the holidays), hopefully we can give everyone time in a ratio we’re happy with. Speaking of which, you know how I said ”C” acted differently to how she used to? About that... I figured out yesterday something I found a little strange. Apparently this sort of thing is common among systems, but I had no idea this was a thing that happened a lot.

 

C” sometimes swapped between having two mental voices, one that seemed like her old self and one that seemed new (which she used predominately). However, I theorised that she was actually two people, the old and someone new (“C” will refer to both of them).

 

The two then were a bit surprised when they noticed that this was actually what had happened. So, now we have (the one who was around all that time ago who we intentionally tried to bring back, and A* (the “new” person). I’m using an asterisk beside her letter to differentiate her from A, and the reason I say she’s new in quotations is because there was a thought-presencey thing that appeared every so often since November last year that we largely ignored.

 

Since “C”‘s addition, that presence disappeared for the first time, which we now think became A*. She wasn’t the first to have this feeling of presence before joining, as J also had this trait for a while.

 

Tl;dr for the above three paragraphs, there are now eight of us, (me, ADJSTC and A*).

 

Despite how we’re moving forward and how we’re very likely to start HRT next year, I’m still feeling as terrible as before on a normal basis. I missed school today because of dysphoria, but I would’ve been late anyway because of one of my many appointments. I have a habit of being afraid to speak up about my distress until getting to school, so our mum got angry at me and said a whole load of things about slight mistakes I made that made me feel even worse and threatened to take me straight to hospital if I didn’t immediately tell her how likely it was that I would commit suicide. She cried a bit when she thought about me having high intent, and then remained silent for the rest of the car trip home, and then continued for a bit to make me feel worse before apologising after I spent about an hour cleaning our room.

 

I know that she might be the one on the wrong, but I feel like I’m really guilty and should be apologising to her. The whole thing kind of triggered my self-hatred before, and as I’ve had pointed out to me by my fellow system members time and time again, I’m too much of a perfectionist and I usually hate myself more if I make mistakes. Although that still doesn’t change the way I feel about myself. Still hate myself, but at least I have seven other minds who share this brain with me who do love me. Funny how I can find it easy to love them for who they are, flaws and all, but hard to love myself.

 

So, A* has seemed to express little dysphoria so far (both she and C are female), and has expressed wanting to switch in, so maybe we need to do that tomorrow so someone can actually go in my place. I guess one advantage of having a larger system than most others we’ve talked to is having a bit more flexibility with who could switch in at any particular time. We don’t want it to be too crowded in this head though.

 

Also, I forgot a KHL appointment on Thursday and still need to reorganise a new one, so I haven’t talked to them since last Sunday I think.

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Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

Hey @SomeoneNADJS 

 

It's really nice to see you all here - thanks for catching us up on everything that has happened for you . A lot has happened! It's really heart-warming to hear that you went out in a dress and loved it. I'm really happy for you all Heart 

 

Coming out to your family and family friends was also a huge step. How are you feeling about telling your friends on Saturday? 

 

I'm sorry to hear yesterday was a hard day - that would have been a difficult car ride home. You mentioned that you had a high intent for suicide. I'm just wondering if you got to speak with anyone about that yesterday? Maybe giving KHL a call would be helpful. How are you feeling today? We're here for you if you're having a hard day. 

 

 

 

 

 

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Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

[R@Bre-RO Thank you Smiley Happy I’m a little bit nervous about telling my friends, but I know that for one in particular our mum is letting her mum know before I say anything. Or, alternatively, there is the option of letting our friend’s mum tell her. I’m not sure at the moment.

 

I didn’t contact Kids Helpline that day, but I did end up contacting our counsellor yesterday night, mainly about whether or not to go back in the girls’ uniform, but we touched on some switching stuff too. Today was a little miserable though.

 

Two main things I want to get through: one is about switching, and the other is about someone I mentioned in my last post. I’ll quickly go through the latter point since it won’t take much to write, but one of the people I mentioned started texting me today sending me nice messages, and then came out to me as gay. Counting our system as one, now I know there are at least 3 LGBTQ+ people in the family (or 10 if you count us individually). The reason I won’t say which is in case he might see this one day.

 

Anyway, yesterday I switched with A* in the morning for school, who then switched to J, who then switched back to me. All of this happened in the first hour and a half maybe of the school day.

 

Anyway, I don’t think I said much about C from when she was originally around, but since it was just us two and neither of us had any clue about plurality or what she was at the time, she thought she was a ghost. She still kinda feels like that now I think, but as more of a mental form rather than believing that’s what she actually is. The reason I’m saying this is because A* went under C’s identity for a few weeks, and alongside having some mild gender dysphoria when switched in, she also felt weird about being in a body. Interesting to see how A* still identifies with C’s old memories. After that, J switched in briefly, but she was pretty tired so she just handed control back to me not long after.

 

As for today, T stuck around for about an hour. I think I remember she may have briefly chatted with C, or maybe A while she was switched in. Anyway, T had a weird experience where she kept feeling like she was going back and forth between thinking like me and thinking like her, and when she spoke from our body she didn’t feel like she was the one talking, and that it was me instead. Although she did have to call for me before I could talk to her, and considering it takes a while to try and keep the switch stable, I doubt I would’ve even been able to take over that easily only for T to realise and prevent it. Plus, I don’t see how T could’ve done that if she wasn’t awake. She probably was too focused on the work.

 

The whole thing about someone switching in doubting themselves and feeling like me (whereas I semi-feel like it’s me if they come and ask me, and then feel like it wasn’t me when I wasn’t consciously thinking), isn’t new. It’s something we need to figure out how to reduce, but this is probably because we’re still not too experienced.

 

These last two days have given me a bit more insight into the dysphoria levels of T and A*, and I think that despite A*’s worry that she might get suicidal from the dysphoria, I think that it’s working to reduce my individual dysphoria, which is good I guess.

 

Also, I’ve been thinking about maybe letting someone else have a go at writing these posts, or talking to KHL instead of me. Our counsellor has talked to me every session except one (where D spoke online while I watched), and I think I might be the only person who’s written anything in this thread. Only reason I’m still doing it now is because it’s late and I’m tired, and I presume so will anyone I try and wake up.

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Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

@SomeoneNADJS 

 

Hey R, 

 

I think it's normal to be nervous about that kind of thing. It sounds like your mum is being a great support in the process of coming out which is really lovely to hear. We'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping that you are received with all the support and acceptance you deserve Heart 

 

You and your systemmates seem to have been through a lot with so much switching recently. It also sounds like it has been a huge learning experience for you - which can be good and overwhelming at the same time. I just want to make sure you all have someone to talk about the switching? You mentioned being part of some online spaces where you had some support with it - is that still the case? 

 

Also it's really nice to hear that you've found more LGBTIQA+ people in your family unit - it can be nice to feel that sense of solidarity with people that are close to you Heart I hope today is better that yesterday! We'll be looking forward to hearing about how tomorrow goes. 

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Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

[D] Hi @Bre-ROR decided not to come out to the friend who was coming over on Saturday, so she still doesn’t know yet. We also do have someone to talk to about switching, but it can be hard sometimes because this person is dealing with their own gender dysphoria and depression (and same goes for the only other person in their system). As for family, the first LGBTIQA+ person in the family we aren’t close to and R hasn’t seen him since he arrived at our house uninvited in February. Our cousin we are a bit closer to, though.

 

The reason I’m awake now is because R woke up at 4am, and was chatting to A for a bit, but then because of something I told her (R) a few days ago, she woke me up to ask me something, and I ended up sticking around for a bit.

 

Out of a system of now eight people, I’m supposed to be the only male one. For a while I’ve been wondering (and so have a few others here) why I feel like I’m male but want to have a female appearance. The theory we had was that our dysphoria is a brain-thing (as in, it affects all members regardless of gender; unlike a lot of other systems we’ve seen with members of more than one gender).

 

Anyway, on Sunday night, R was chatting to the person I mentioned earlier who we talk to about switching, but I woke up and kept trying to get her attention. I told her I wasn’t sure if I was male, and that I feel like I could be female, but I’m not sure. R told me she’d love me no matter what my gender was and sent me a mental hug. She told the person she was chatting to, and they replied and said that at least we probably won’t have a reason to doubt we’re trans now.

 

The reason R woke me up was to ask me about pronouns. She can tell I’m not comfortable with male pronouns, but I don’t think I feel comfortable with female pronouns at the moment either. We’ve settled for “they/them” for now.

 

Other than that, a bit of bad news. Yesterday R spent nearly all day trying to fight off dysphoria, and she didn’t realise until an hour or two prior that she had an appointment with our psychologist (the one who isn’t trans-specialised). Not only did she find it hard to speak (as per usual), but she had her first panic attack in about 3 years. For most of the appointment, she just sat there with her face away from our mum (who she’d let into the appointment with her) and the psychologist, and cried a bit, and then hyperventilated for about ten minutes I think. R got to what I worry is now a new high for feeling suicidal, but after the attack she managed to settle down and contact Headspace.

 

Almost forgot, one of the family friends who was told about us being trans has a trans woman for a cousin, so maybe one time we could meet her. I think R would like that.

 

I’m not sure if I should keep going with the switching updates here, but there’s been almost no switching in the past few days. J went on a walk with our dad and got bored, and I unintentionally switched in while writing this post, but that’s it.

 

I’m going to need a bit of time to figure out who I am, but I’d like to be referred to as “they” in the meantime, please.

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Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

It sounds like you've had a bit of a difficult week @SomeoneNADJS, btu I am really impressed with how you were able to manage it, particularly in the way that you were able to reach out to your supports, as well as access your professional support when you needed to. 

You should also be very proud of yourself for finding a pronoun that you feel comfortable with. Gender identity can be an incredibly difficult thing to navigate as a person at the best of times, so being able to reflect on how you are feeling and decide on something so important is very admirable. 

I was wondering if you've looked into any resources of individuals who also have experienced DID while being trans, as you might be able to relate to their experiences, and you could find others who also feel dysphoria across their system. They may have advice, insights or reflections which could be really helpful for you right now too Smiley Happy

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Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

[R] Hi @Andrea-RO. The last week was a bit difficult, and thank you for telling me that.

 

[D] And thank you from me too. I’m not sure if “they/them” fully suits me at the moment, but it’s the closest pronoun to feeling “right” for me at the moment.

 

Now that I’ve taken over R’s post, she’s been looking through the forum we usually use, which does have a few DID or otherwise traumagenic systems there, but most systems there aren’t trauma-based (and neither are we).

 

[R] It’s a bit tricky to find this sort of thing, especially since certain advice might be more tailored to different systems. I haven’t found anything useful yet, but I have an idea of another place I could go to find some information.

 

Also, D and I are now getting our own separate KHL appointments with the same counsellor. They talked yesterday, and D elected to keep talking to the same counsellor as I do and to keep our records together, since there might be some overlap in the things we talk about since they impact both of us. This isn’t the first time the two had talked together over WebChat (it’s the second), but it had been quite a couple of months since then, and did get a bit nervous, but I think they’re doing better now.

 

[D] A good thing that I think will come out of our separate appointments is that this can not only help me figure out my gender and help R cope with being suicidal and keep her looking forward to the future, but also I think it’ll get me a bit more active.

 

We’re still trying to figure out a way so that everyone gets a turn to switch in, or otherwise do something so they’re not spending an excessive time in inactivity. I’m especially worried about ST, and C at the moment. J has been fairly active recently, A* a little less than her, and A has been active for little bits of time every day. We’re figuring it out, slowly.

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Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

Hey @SomeoneNADJS 

 

I echo @Andrea-RO in that I'm so happy that the "they/them" pronoun is the closest to feeling "right".  It sounds like having the same counsellor for D and R is working currently as it allows a space for both D and and attend to their needs and work through these complex matters.  It was a very pragmatic and proactive move to try this so well done Heart This journey is a step-to-step process and will take time but it sounds like you're moving in the right direction Smiley Happy