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Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

[R] @Tiny_leaf Thank you for those resources! Hopefully those'll help us. Might even be useful if I get back into voice acting characters for my games as well.

 

@Claire-RO Today was the due date of my last assignment for the term! One more day of school, and then it's school holidays. Our current plans are seeing a few friends, we're going to a holiday place we go to a few times a year (which is also D's "birthplace"). A and D have birthdays on the holidays, so maybe we could figure something to do together on those days.

 

Gave our mum the note on Tuesday morning just as I was getting out of the car (I managed to get the note back as she didn't find it). She's glad I told her, and I talked mostly about what I (and everyone else) want for transition and how bad my suicidal thoughts have been. Later that day, we went to an appointment with out psychologist. Our mum went in first to give her the note, and when I came in about half an hour later, our psychologist asked me a few questions about my suicidal feelings. According to our mum, she was pretty worried about what I'd written.

 

Wednesday, went to an LGBTQI+ social group for the first time. It was nice to meet some other people facing similar issues, and just to meet some new people. I won't be going again until late October though because we're going to be on holidays the next time the group will run.

 

Today was pretty miserable. For a week I've been consistently up past 1:30 in the morning. It's taking its toll on me since I have to try not to fall asleep a lot of the time, and everyone else in our system is getting quite tired too as a result.

 

Just finished up a chat with a Kids Helpline counsellor a few minutes ago, and he pointed out how much has happened in the past 12 months. I've had five other people join me in what is now our system, realised I wasn't cisgender, explored being non-binary (which S has also done on hir own as well), come out to our parents, thought about and discussed transitioning every day for months, we all worked out what we want, and now I've opened up about some of the stuff I specifically have been struggling with every day.

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

Hi R @SomeoneNADJS 

 

We haven't crossed paths on the forums yet, so it's really nice to virtually you Heart Sounds like you're going to have a lovely school holidays. Any ideas for how you'll all celebrate A and D's birthdays? 

 

You've made huge strides this year, as your psychologist pointed out - so much has happened for you and from what I can read you have all done so much to address your shared mental health. I'm happy that you have the support of your mum and a psychologist as well. Are you all finding the appointments helpful? 

 

Losing sleep very quickly takes a toll - I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling in this way. It's tough because we usually lose sleep at times that we need it the most. Are there any activities that calm you all, that you could do before bed to help? 

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

[R] Hi @Bre-RO! Nice to meet you too. Didn’t really have many ideas, so last night I asked a member of another system S and I were chatting to last night. Her ideas were to go somewhere special or to make something, but I’ll have to stay at home and pack on A’s birthday because we’re leaving at 7:30 the next morning. So, still no ideas yet. We’ve still got a few days to think of something.

 

I am finding all of the appointments helpful. Only the Kids Helpline and Headspace counsellors know about our plurality (because we haven’t met them in person). I’ve just realised this Tuesday we’ll have three of them (GP, psychologist, KHL, in that order). We still need to figure out what to do, since we’re not sure when I should try and get a referral to a gender clinic (as I’m still handling everything on the outside).

 

Good news is I’ve been getting a better sleep the past two nights. I’ve been able to sleep in until the late hours of the morning, so I’ve definitely been getting more lately Smiley Happy

 

For this weekend, I’ve been trying to distract myself from the bad stuff. Yesterday things got quite bad, but today’s been better. I’ve been wondering if it’s a good idea to encourage the others to have a go at controlling our body. Everyone’s mostly stayed away from it because of dysphoria, but I’m thinking if we’re to transition, it’ll probably be better to have everyone a bit more involved.

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

@SomeoneNADJS

Hi R and thank you for checking back in!

 

It sounds like you have all been working hard to build up your support network which is such a big step Smiley Happy You are more than welcome to check in here after your appointments if you need to debrief tomorrow Smiley Happy We are so in awe of your determination to seek support, and your willingness to try accessing new services! We hope that a referral to the gender centre will help you all to work through some of the discussions we had earlier around transitioning and dysphoria, and that you find gender services a safe and supportive environment Smiley Happy The contact ReachOut have had with gender centres has been really positive and really empowering, we hope that each of you find it empowering too Heart

 

Great to hear you are sleeping better! Are there any things you have been doing differently that you think may have contributed to better sleep? Would love to hear your reflections to see if there are any learnings others may also benefit from who are struggling with sleep!

 

It sounds like, R, you are thinking about stepping back and giving A, D, J, S and T space to be more involved. What are their thoughts about stepping up more often? I am hearing you are trying to empower them to have more of a say, is this correct? 

__________

Check out our community activities calendar for October 2019 here

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

[R] Hi @Jess1-RO. Thank you. I’m not so sure that we should seek a referral tomorrow for a few reasons. Today I’ve spent a while stressing over it (and I’m already tired from getting five fillings this morning). Also, I want to discuss it further with everyone here because I want to make sure we’re making the right decision. Even then, I’m still terrified myself.

 

I don’t think I’ve been doing much differently. I think it’s had to do with not having to worry about spending the day presenting as male and not having to school work. I think it’s been a little easier without that pressure.

 

Throughout this whole process I’ve been talking to everyone and getting their ideas, and since about April exchanging control of our body between us has been minimal (and we barely did it before then anyway). What I meant was I think that it would be important to share control of we’re going to transition. That way it might be easier on me for dealing with dysphoria, and so they can also experience the transition process. I think it’d be better in the long run. I spent a while chatting with A earlier this afternoon and she wants to start having a go at using our body again, so I’m not sure how that’s going to go. I’ll have to catch up with what everyone else thinks tonight.

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

@SomeoneNADJS do you think starting off with something simple and in private might help with swapping control more?

Like something like playing Jenga together might be good for swapping control, getting used to the way your body moves (for those who haven't had much chance to control your body), and let you play Jenga.

Or a team board/ computer game might help with coordinating with each other and sharing decision making.

Idk how much sense that makes though sorry..

 

Oof.. I hope the fillings weren't too painful....

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

[R] @Tiny_leaf That’s probably a good idea. Fillings weren’t too bad pain-wise, because those teeth were numbed before anything was done.

 

A was going to join me at the GP’s, but we had a bit of a disagreement before the appointment about something unrelated and she got a bit upset at me. I didn’t do much at the GP anyway, but we got the referral. Our mum’s going to drive to pick up the referral letter tomorrow, and it looks like the earliest we can get into the gender clinic is February next year. I was the only one there for the psychologist, and we just went over the pros and cons of transitioning (which I’ve already gone over several times over the last few months).

 

On KHL, our counsellor suggested reading some stories about people who have medically transitioned and maybe talk to QLife about things. I’m still a bit worried about our body becoming more masculine as time goes on. As of now, there are some masculine traits we don’t have (such as an Adam’s apple or too much of a deep voice), but I (and I’m sure none of us) want those characteristics.

 

It’s 11:07pm now, so I’m going to go on a QLife before they close for the night. I also want to talk to A about this morning. I hope she’s not too upset now.

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

[A] This is A here. I wanted to say I’m alright now. R made a bit of a silly mistake, that’s all. I’m going to make sure that doesn’t happen again Smiley Happy Also, R forgot to mention that we’re getting a blood test tomorrow for the GP.

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

Hi R and A @SomeoneNADJS 

 

It's really good to hear that things are progressing with getting an appointment with the gender clinic with the support of your mum. It sounds like she really cares for your well being and wants to make sure you're happy. 

 

I hope you're all doing nice things to care for yourselves - this process can get draining so making time for all of you is important Heart 

 

How did the blood tests go? 

 

 

Re: TW Trans/Non-Binary and Plural Stuff

[R] I feel terrible. Today’s been terrible. Trigger warning for what I’m about to write.

 

I went over to a friend’s house on Wednesday night for a sleepover, where she came out to me as trans. I’m not out to her, and I wish I’d told her that she wasn’t alone and that I was trans too. But I didn’t. I told my mum what had happened and she said it was good I hadn’t told her about me because she didn’t think I was ready yet.

 

I wish I had the courage my friend had to be honest about who I am. As a trans person, I mean. I’m sick of pretending to be male all the time. And I don’t know how to pretend I know nothing about trans stuff. I didn’t know what to do. So I just said nothing else.

 

Since then, I’ve been heavily dysphoric and suicidal since. Today was meant to be A’s first birthday, but it’s been a disaster. We wanted to have a little meditation session together as something little to celebrate her birthday, but we didn’t end up doing it. We’re getting up at 5:30am tomorrow morning to go on a holiday for a week, so I’ve been packing stuff for the rest of today. Our mum’s been stressed out and she even mentioned wanting to kill herself. Something just snapped and I couldn’t handle it.

 

i tried hurting myself but I stopped after about 10 seconds because my head felt funny. Later on our dad came in and I made him take it away from me so I wouldn’t do anything again.

 

After he took it, he told me he was about to tell me something that he wasn’t sure was going to help. And it sure as hell didn’t. He told me I could control my emotions and just stop feeling suicidal. Like I’m doing this all on purpose.

 

I’m safe for now, but I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to be able to stand lying about who I am to everyone just to follow some stupid social rules about who I have to be that I’ve felt forced to follow for my whole life because I didn’t know of any alternatives. I wish I could at least be honest about things. But I didn’t. And I still feel terrible. I had to go on Kids Helpline three times today. The first two times were with the same person (the internet cut out so I had to reconnect), and in the third it was with someone else, but they didn’t say their name when the internet cut out again so I couldn’t reconnect.

 

On that third chat, the counsellor said I probably should’ve said something for both my sake and for my friend. I’m not sure if I’ll see her again for a while, so I don’t think I’ll be able to say anything to her in person. I have her phone number, but I’m not sure if I want to say anything that way.

 

And what makes this even worse was when I asked A what she wanted to do for her birthday, she said she wanted me to saying something to my friend. But I didn’t.

 

I’m not even sure if it’s a good idea going on about all of this here because this friend could be reading this. I don’t know. I’m not sure if this could be what also gets me caught out as plural, either. I don’t know what I’m doing.

 

I’ve just felt terrible almost all day. I think I’ve just screwed up A’s first birthday by being miserable and wanting to die. In the early hours of this morning I even managed to write two and a half pages about how much I wanted to die if I couldn’t be who I am on the outside. Socially, at least, if nothing else. I just can’t take this anymore. I want to do something, but again my mum thinks I don’t understand the prejudice I’d face for being openly trans (which I get afraid of every single day).

 

My Mum wanted me to sleep on the couch with her, but I won’t be able to sleep with the TV on and I’m not comfortable on the couch. Today’s been pretty rough, and I don’t think I see things getting better. I don’t feel safe keeping things quiet, and I don’t feel safe being open about this.

 

I don’t know what I’m going to do. And I accidentally snapped the string on a dress I got too, which even though that can be fixed, it just all adds up to more misery.