Trapped in a sucky place
Tears are streaming down my face and I can't stop crying about work again. I just feel so bloody miserable. I hate it. I hate work and I just feel so tempted to walk out and tell them I'm leaving. I feel so broken. I have no self-confidence. I have no faith in my abilities anymore. I don't even feel like I can apply for a new job because I have no confidence within myself anymore.
It hurts so much to have another conversation highlight that feeling inside of me that tells me my manager doesn't trust me. It was the way she accused me of doing xyz today that really stung. And when I told her that no I was doing it the correct way she wanted me to, she didn't believe me.It was the way she dismissed what I just said. It was the way she spoke to me about it. I hate it. I feel so powerless and yet I'm so stuck and don't feel like I can physically make a move. I'm scared to talk to anyone and say this isn't okay. I'm scared it'll only make things worse. I'm scared it'll mean I no longer have a job.
Leaving my current workplace without having another place to go would mean I get no financial help from centrelink as it's a job I can do and I'm choosing to leave without another job lined up.
I just feel so stuck in a place that is tearing me apart and destroying me inside. I feel like I've worked so damn hard the last couple years on my mental health, and this manager is just destroying me. I hate it. I hate all of this
Re: Trapped in a sucky place
I'm really sorry @Bee , that's awful
Is there someone who might be able to give good advice with a fairly low risk of making it worse? Would it be possible to get advice from your old manager maybe?
Another option I'd encourage you to consider a is makingcomplaint/ discussing this with HR... I know you're scared of making it worse and I can't guarantee that won't happen, but how much worse could it get? And how much better could it get? If it's already at a point that's too much for you to handle, maybe it's worth taking a shot at getting support from HR to see if it improves it, and giving yourself permission to walk away if it makes it worse?
Completely your decision though and I know it's not a simple one, we'll support whatever you decide
I'd suggest keeping a record of what's going on though, just in case you do decide to make a complaint... Dates, times, quotes from any incidents with whatever details you can remember. That might also help you get your head around what's happening (I used to downplay what was happening a lot and be really vague because I was scared of acknowledging it when talking to others, but later on when I was able to discuss specific situations and say what actually happened, it became much clearer to me and them that actually it just wasn't ok).
Also... Could medical certificates help you for Centrelink if you do end up leaving? My doctor gave me one saying I wasn't fit for work for the remainder of my prac when it was too much for my mental health.
Here for you, and so sorry you're going through this. You're amazing and strong and shouldn't have to be dealing with this. The fact that it's happening is a reflection of her character, not yours. Please do whatever you need to to look after yourself
Do you know when you're starting the study you were hoping to do? And would that mean you could leave or reduce your workload?
Really hope things get better soon
Re: Trapped in a sucky place
Oh @Bee ❤ Just reading this absolutely breaks my heart and actually made me tear up!! You have been such an incredible support for me since joining and I had no clue any of this was going on for you until I came across your post just now. And it makes me angry. I'm sorry but I officially hate your manager!!!! 😠 I would love to have a word or two to her myself for you!!!
You seem like one of the most genuine, caring and trustworthy people so please do not let her bull shit attitude get you down!!!! She does NOT deserve to have that kind of power over you. No way. And it makes me furious to hear how upset she has made you. You do not deserve it. You should be able to walk into a workplace and feel appreciated for what you are doing, it should NOT leave you feeling powerless and without the confidence or right to speak freely.
I am not entirely sure what has happened but it almost sounds as if she is bullying you and you don't feel safe to go to work?
I am totally with @hellofriend on this one and think you should report it. It sounds like nothing will change unless you do? If it helps, I have been bullied quite badly in a couple of jobs. The first, I just let it all happen and never stood up for myself. It completely destroyed my self-confidence and worth and like you, I felt so incapable of being able to apply for another job because my managers and some staff members had made me feel so incapable. That was a few years ago now and I still struggle applying for jobs today because they really destroyed me. I never stood up to them when I should have!! The second job I was bullied in and made to feel incapable I felt a little stronger within myself as I'd had a job overseas in between the two where I'd learnt first hand what it felt like to be appreciated by an employer and work colleagues. So this time, now that I had something to compare it too, I was not letting them get away with it. It took me a few months to build the confidence but I ended up reporting it. And despite all the anxiety leading up to it (I also thought I'd lose my job) I felt so relieved once it was out there. And I even found others admired me for it which was a nice feeling because I hadn't realised my manager was also making their jobs harder. Unfortunately our general manager and my manager were closer than I was with him obviously, and he didn't have a pair of balls to step up and talk to her about it so nothing was ever done. I put up with it a little longer because I was so worried I wouldn't find another job - she made me feel like I was worthless and that I was lucky to have the job I had. But eventually I came to realise no job is more important than my health, particularly my mental health. So I quit! And let me tell you - it felt AMAZING!! 😍 I was lucky in the way that my parents were able to help me out until I moved for uni and got a new job but honestly if you can do it, just do it! Quit and take pride in quitting. But don't quit without reporting it first, or writing a letter to state why you are quitting. Stand up to her because from what I can tell you are a decent human being and deserve to feel appreciated, not belittled ❤
I also think you should look into centrelink more because I am sure if you explained the situation to them and proved you were actively looking for another job they should be able to help? Or go grab a medical certification like @hellofriend suggested!
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this at the moment. I know how hard it was for me and hate to think you are in that position. I know it's easier said than done but I personally believe you should quit. No job is worth your tears or self-confidence ❤
Hang in there, and speak out!! You've got this 💪 And we've got you ❤
Re: Trapped in a sucky place
I don't know who to turn to about it all. I have spoken to my previous manager and her advice is to get out and find other work - which I agree with. She is also having problems with them about her employment even though she no longer works there..
I have tried to document things, but every time I do, I burst into tears and am not able to actually write it factually without ending up in bad places, so I've not been keeping a hard record for my own mental safety (If I can't see and read it over and over again, I can't beat myself up over it as much as my overwhelmed brain will forget the worst bits - which is a hindrance when it comes to making a complaint, but my mental health has to come first, even if it means just getting through until I can leave)
I am hovering between that space of "this is not okay" and "well I just have to put up with it"...
A medical certificate probably wouldn't do much in terms for centrelink. My mental health team all agree that work is good for me, although not a negative workplace, but I don't feel comfortable or want to ask for such a long medical certificate. I looked it up and it's a 4 week period of no support if I leave my job without a valid reason, but what they consider a valid reason can be interpreted so many different ways.
Also because I am still getting a bit of centrelink with this job, my job plan has this job as part of my requirements, so leaving would also break that which would mean penalties too, so it's kind of a lose lose situation until I have a new job to walk into.
It means a lot thank you. I keep being told not to take her shit personally, but I don't really know how to. And she has a way of saying/her tonne that just makes me think/feel it is personal.
I'm just waiting to hear back from TAFE, but once I get another call from the disability services I should be able to start soon. Because it's online study, I wouldn't be able to leave work because it's not considered full time study.
I had a quick look at the link on my phone before, but I'll have a proper look soon, thanks.
@MB95 thanks. I've been told that by some of my closest friends who know what's going on too, they have some interesting views on my manager (but I won't share them here)
Absolutely agree that workplaces should be a nice place where you feel appreciated and not feel like your powerless. That is one of the hardest parts of facing all of this, because it's so hard to force myself to continue going back when I'm just getting hurt so much emotionally.
My mum asked the same thing, but honestly it doesn't seem to fit the criteria for workplace bullying. Because she ONLY talks to me when I've done something wrong or she thinks I have, or she doesn't like what I'm doing etc. Aside from that and when I absolutely have to ask her something there is no contact between us. Which makes her negative comments and tone that much harder to cope with.
I am scared that if I report it that she will only get angry at me for reporting it and not coming to her first despite the fact I'm scared of her and she's not approachable.
Re: Trapped in a sucky place
@MB95 I thought I'd reply here as this is more about being stuck in the crappy workplace. (as not to cross post)
My old manager told me not to quit without having another job, and I have previously done similar where i quit one job left for another and 1.5months later I had no job, and no confidence. I was completely shattered by it all.
But basically it's usually not a good idea to quit a job until you have another one lined up. It makes it harder to gain a job when you are unemployed vs when you are employed. I've experienced looking for work while unemployed, and it's so hard, I don't want to go through that again if I can help it.
Re: Trapped in a sucky place
Sorry I've been awol for a bit @Bee. Just been trying to get myself back on track but I'm feeling a little stronger and wanting to help others so here I am ❤
I can totally understand not wanting to quit until you have another job lined up because I've also been in that unemployment position and it really isn't fun at all!! I do still believe you should quit because you deserve SO MUCH better but I can see why you are hesitant to just walk out now. I think you are so brave and tough for putting up with it. Seriously. I know how hard and damaging it can be so hang in there, your strength will see you through!! ❤
Until then.. have you maybe thought about volunteering somewhere? I know when I couldn't take it anymore at work and just quit I did alot of volunteering and I actually had jobs offered to me through that.. could be something to think about?
You also speak about your mum quite a bit and she sounds like an awesome support for you! I was just wondering if you were to quit and not have something lined up right away, would she possibly be able to help financially support you until something comes up?
I am so glad that you realise your mental health is important though! Not many people realise till we hit rock bottom so I'm glad you're able to recognize that ❤
Also.. last thing, I'm trying not to make this too long for you!! But you mentioned how you're scared to report your boss in the chance she'll get mad at you for not talking to her first but that you're also scared to talk to her. I'm totally relating to this!! Is there any chance you have a close work mate or even just someone you respect at work that you may be able to share some of this with and have them speak to her on your behalf? I know it sounds daunting, and you obviously know your manager best but sometimes it can work? In one of my past jobs I was a supervisor and noticed one of the other supervisors bullying one of our staff members and treating them differently to everyone else. Now, I personally don't stand for bullying at all so was not impressed. When I brought it up with the staff member they expressed to me how they were feeling because they felt safe with me and trusted me. Then once I had their permission I spoke to the other supervisor and let her know how she was making the staff member feel. It took a little adjusting but she soon recognized she was in the wrong and tried to change the way she treated the staff member.
I understand how scary it can be to speak out but at the same time you should feel safe and supported at work!! I've slowly come to realise that bullies and ass holes will treat people like dirt until someone stands up to them. Unfortunately they'll usually just move onto the next person, but the more we stand up to them the weaker they become!!! 💪
Now that my novel is over.. I also wanted to check in and see where things are at now and how you're feeling about it all?
Re: Trapped in a sucky place
@MB95 no need to apologize, I saw in your thread you were going to take a break for you.
I’m not sure there are many volunteer opportunities in my town (joys of country living) I can have a look though.
I do get a bit of support from my mum, but not a whole heap. It’s a bit of a tricky situation that I haven’t really shared with anyone before.
Regarding finances, that wouldn’t be an issue for her to support me until something comes up. Sure I still live at home and put money in for the household budget, but without that, things would be even more strained
It’s taken me a LONG time to be able to put my mental health first and do what helps me more.
There are a couple of people I could talk to, but it comes down to making that report. And I’m scared to do that because of some mistakes I’ve made which have been big deals within the office – which is totally understandable, I fucked up and they caused a lot of work for my manager. So, I don’t want to be the one to pick a fight that I fear will only end up in me losing my job. There’s just way too much fear around making a report that I can’t do it.
Things have been okayish the last week. There were a couple of positive interactions, but they haven’t made me feel any more comfortable with her.
Re: Trapped in a sucky place
@Bee definately have a look at what there is volunteer wise - what state do you live in if you don't mind me asking? Cause some states have a website where you just put in your area of residence and what types of things you're looking for and it comes up with some options. I also live rural lol So I know what it can be like 😂 But another idea could be to even just find someone who could do with a helping hand? I found it was a huge thing for me when I didn't have work because I was feeling so down and worthless and incapable of anything, but knowing I was helping others helped bring out some positiveness to the whole situation!
What sorts of things do you enjoy doing in your spare time? We could try and brainstorm some things together if you like? Or places you might be able to help out at?
I understand things might become a little more strained with you out of work, but your mum sounds emotionally supportive so I'm sure she wouldn't mind helping you out until you're financially on your feet again? I know it's tough and if you're anything like me you might be feeling a little bit of guilt having to rely on her? But if she can see you're being proactive in trying to find work and not just lazing around then I'm sure she would rather you be out of a job that is not mentally supporting you?
If you ever want to talk about that tricky situation, I am here to listen ❤
And I can only imagine how long it's taken you! When I wrote my message I didn't mean it to sound like you had it all together and it was easy for you, sorry. I know it would have been a long, painful and challenging journey but what I was trying to say was that I think it's so amazing you are now able to recognize how important your mental health is! That shows just how much progress you've made along the way ❤ I really find you inspirational and think you're amazing so don't ever doubt yourself okay!?!
I totally respect that you are scared to put in a complaint, it's really not an easy thing to do. But just remember that EVERYONE fucks up from time to time!! It's how we learn, and if your manager can't see that then she shouldn't be a manager. I've had staff working under me before that have stuffed up and caused me alot of extra work too, or issues where I've had to deal with a client directly to solve the issues but I always respect that people screw up and shit happens. I find the most important thing is how I respond to it because I would rather my staff member learn from their mistake then be terrified about making any more. Idk. Maybe that's just me. I've been told I'm really chilled to have as a supervisor/manager but I just don't see the point in making people feel shit about making mistakes. It's only human and I make them all the damn time myself 😂
Would you feel comfortable sharing the mistakes you've made with me? Promise there is absolutely ZERO judgement from me!! Just don't feel bad about making them because it happens and it's how we learn ❤
Re: Trapped in a sucky place
I'm in NSW. It can be hard to find volunteer opportunities because those who offer volunteer roles don’t advertise on the state sites, sometimes they come up on the job boards, but most often it’s word of mouth or advertised privately via email from their contacts…
I’m a creative person, so I colour in A LOT Otherwise I do some photography and processing the images, sometimes I edit them to create something new. I also like Lego games! Thanks to N1ghtW1ng for getting me hooked on Lego games!
My family isn’t in a position to financially support me if I lose income and income support, thus keeping it is vital! Mum doesn’t think I should quit either, she wants to see me “see it through”
I do feel guilty when I need to rely on her, and a lot of that stems from being a carer for her since I was about 12/13. I don’t really want to talk about it. I’ve covered a lot of it with my psychologist and that was helpful
That’s okay. My brain kind of went, “this needs justifying” sorry if it came across as snappy.
But yeah it is great that I’m able to reflect and recognize the importance of my own mental health
That is true, mistakes happen. We’re only human. And it is her role to support her staff. After an incident happened locally and seeing how it affected her, I am even more hesitant to make a report, just seeing how it affected her. I think I’m better off just pushing through and just doing my best.
Re the mistakes, due to company policy and confidentially and anonymity here I can’t share any details of the mistakes I’ve made.
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